


The Scars On My Heart

by Zockerbestha



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Aziraphale Has a Penis (Good Omens), Aziraphale Is Trying (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Bonding, Bottom Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), First Kiss, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Pressured into sexual acts, Quote: You go too fast for me Crowley (Good Omens), Sexual Content, Top Crowley (Good Omens), Trust Issues, Virgin Aziraphale (Good Omens), Wing Grooming, Wing Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:48:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 66,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22599634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zockerbestha/pseuds/Zockerbestha
Summary: Now that Armageddon was adverted, Aziraphale was ready to finally be with Crowley romanticly. But Crowley wasnt ready for that yet.Aziraphale has to make up for the scars he left first.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 103
Kudos: 362





	1. Things That Need To Be Said

“You can stay at my place if you’d like?”

It was a simple and very kind request and Aziraphale accepted, although with some hesitation. It was an old habit to deny Crowleys advances or requests, one that he hopes to finally break.

They made their way into the Bus that would miraculously bring them to Crowleys flat. For the first time ever, they sat _next_ to each other und Aziraphale took it a step further and reached out and then held Crowleys hand. The Demon didn’t really react to it, sadly, but as Aziraphale watched him from his peripheral vision for a while, he noticed how Crowleys head would drop ever so often before jerking back up and reasoned the sleepiness of the Demon was the cause.

“Would you like to sleep, my dear?” Aziraphale asked him, his voice barely above a whisper.

Crowley took off his sunglasses with a long sigh to rub his eyes. “M’ tired, yeah”.

Maybe Aziraphale should have asked first but decided to just act on his desire then. He knew how Crowley felt about him for thousands of years and he hoped the Demon knew about his own feelings towards him too. They didn’t have to pretend anymore, Aziraphale can just do what his heart desires now.

With just a little bit of hesitation, Aziraphale reached for Crowley, his hand coming to rest on the shoulder farthest away from him and slowly pulled him closer. Crowley went stiff for a moment but Aziraphale just turned his body, moving _his_ Demon into his arms, his head coming to rest on his chest.

“Sleep. I’ll watch over you, please don’t worry” the Angel promised and gently ran his hand up and down Crowleys lean back.

Crowley made some noises of protest but then soon went lax in the Angels arms, the soft up and down motions of the driving bus helping further along to guide him to sleep.

Aziraphale could have never guessed how happy, overwhelmed and just amazing this would feel. Having Crowley in his arms like this, listening to his slow breathing and even some quiet snoring. He wondered how he managed to go over 6000 years without it.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the last prophecy of Agnes Nutter, re-reading it again, just to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. But no, he was sure that their plan to swap bodies was exactly what the witch had meant. The idea of sending the love of his life to heaven to deal with his trial was more than horrifying but even after all that had happened, Aziraphale had faith. Not only in their creator but also in Crowley and himself. They would survive this and after their trials, they could finally start a life together.

Aziraphale leaned more comfortable back at his seat, making sure to not disturb the sleeping Demon, and thought back to all the time they spend together. It wasn’t as much as they both wanted but they knew how risky it was.

Back on the wall of the Garden of Eden, Aziraphale was terrified. He’d given away his flaming sword, trying to protect Gods favourite creation, the humans. That was his purpose, wasn’t it? His mind clouded from all his thoughts and the fear of whatever punishment he’d receive. Would he fall for this?

And then out of seemingly nowhere this silly serpent appeared next to him, casually talking as if an Angel and a Demon talking wasn’t the most unusual thing. Aziraphale remembered how scared he was at first, even scolding himself for giving away the only weapon he had. What if this Demon attacked him?!

But it never came to any hostility from Crowleys side and the Demon showed him kindness and reassurance, telling him that he certainly didn’t do the wrong thing. Maybe Crowley was mocking him, he thought after their first meeting, but he somehow always knew that Crowley had meant every word of it.

Then the flood happened. Even now Aziraphale shivered when he thought back at the moment he had received the news that this flood was meant to kill everyone except for Noah and his family. He believed in God, always did, but he couldn’t shake this ugly feeling in his stomach. Those humans may have sinned, but did they deserve to die like that for it? And even the children, the most innocent beings were being punished.

And then there was Crowley, yet again.

“Not the kids, you can’t kill kids!” he had said and he was right, how was it a good thing that children died?

Aziraphale chuckled a bit when he remembered Crowleys comment about the unicorn. “Well, you still got one of them!” Crowley yelled up at the ark. Sometimes Aziraphale wondered if Crowley was just joking around or if the Demon really didn’t know how the humans and animals reproduce.

Next was the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It was a sad day. Aziraphale had spend much time with the son of God, talking for hours. He wanted to protect him when he heard about his trial but Jesus had insisted that Aziraphale is not allowed to intervene, it was all part of the ineffable plan. That was the first time he really questioned Gods will. How can a mother let her own son die like that?!

Crowley was at his side. They were both on edge, so no wonder they snapped a bit at each other. Did Crowley really think Aziraphale was there to smirk at this display of torture? The Angel was very surprised that Crowley had spend so much time with Christ too, showing him all the kingdoms of the world. This night was the first time the two got drunk together and Aziraphale couldn’t help but admire Crowleys beauty.

Rome was fun. It was the first time that Aziraphale came up to Crowley and not the other way around. He was nervous, which explained his stupid comment on Crowleys behalf.

“Still a Demon then?” – “What kind of stupid question is that?! Still a Demon, what else am I gonna be, an aardvark?!”.

It really was a stupid question but at least they were able to laugh at it later on as they shared their first real meal with each other.

So many shared memories. The time they met as knights, the globe theatre when Crowley made Hamlet become a hit just for Aziraphale, the French revolution where Crowley saved Aziraphale from his own stupidity _and_ the guillotine, the time Aziraphale almost got discorporated because of Nazis.

Oh that held a very special place in Aziraphales heart. A Demon, coming to save an Angel on consecrated ground, burning his feat in the process. Bombing the church and even thinking of Aziraphales books. That was the first time Aziraphale really let his love for Crowley rise up and acknowledged it, savoured the feeling.

But it was also a special moment, because it was the first time they saw each other after their first real fight.

Crowley stirred a bit in Aziraphales arms, pulling the Angel from his memories, just now noticing the tears that threatened to build. He held the still sleeping Demon even more tight in his arms, smiling to see him save and sound.

When in 1960 Aziraphale did give Crowley the holy water, it was the most painful thing he had ever experienced.

“Here you go, the tool for your total and utter destruction!” Aziraphale would have never wanted to hand this blasted thermos over but he should have known that Crowley would try anything to get holy water. So he rather gave it to him in a “safe” way than have him robbing a church for it, with some humans no less, who didn’t understand a thing about the danger they put Crowley in.

“You go too fast for me”.

Aziraphale had Crowleys face in that moment burned into the back of his skull. Even through the sunglasses, Aziraphale saw the tears that began to form. But at that moment, the Angel had to act selfishly to protect himself. The idea that Crowley would kill himself when things went pear-shaped, with the weapon that _Aziraphale gave him_ no less, was too much to bear. He needed to distance himself. If he got closer to Crowley it would only hurt more when anything happened.

Aziraphale forced himself to come back to the here and now. Crowley was in his arms, the Demon he wanted for all those years was here with him. They would be together for all eternity now, at least he hoped so.

Aziraphale wanted to make up for the time they had wasted. Tonight he would spend together with Crowley in every way possible. An excited wiggle went over his entire body at the thought of finally showering Crowley in all the love Aziraphale had, giving him his full attention, the way he had always deserved. Crowley would be just as excited as he was, surely.

_Later, Crowleys flat_

The next time Crowley opened his serpent eyes, he had the oddest feeling. His still sleepy mind told him that he wasn’t on the bus anymore but still _moving_ , somehow. He blinked a few more times, trying to wake up. That was when he noticed the strong arms, one under his knees and the other at his back, that held him tight and smelled the familiar scent of Lavender and old books. He looked up and saw a tartan Bowtie and that was all he needed to know for further confirmation. _Aziraphale was carrying him!_

“W-What the fuck?!” Finally fully awake, he struggled in Aziraphales grip until he freed himself and landed on his still a bit sleepy legs, almost landing on his arse in the process.

“Oh, goodness Crowley! You startled me” Aziraphale sighed, holding Crowley at his shoulders to steady him. “Are you alright, dearest?”.

 _Dearest._ Since when was that something to be said?

Crowley forced himself to breath normally again, before addressing the Angel once more. “What were you doing with me?”.

Aziraphale blushed a little but smiled brightly. “You looked so peaceful, sleeping in my arms, and I didn’t want to wake you up. So I just-“.

“You just thought to yourself ‘Oh Crowley surely wouldn’t give a _damn_ if I just carry him like a little baby!’, was that it, Aziraphale?!” Crowley cut Aziraphale off, making that smile disappear. The anger turned into guilt rather quickly. “Sorry, didn’t mean to yell at you…just, please don’t do that again”.

“I’m sorry, dearest” Aziraphale fidget with his fingers.

There it was again, _dearest,_ what the hell was that supposed to mean?

Crowley looked around, sighing when he realised they were in his flat, his _home._ Too much happened today and all he wanted to do was fall flat onto his bed and sleep, but he couldn’t just yet.

Crowley walked towards his office, if you can even call it that, and waved Aziraphale to follow him. “Could you do me a favour? I’m pretty much at my limit right now with my powers”.

Aziraphale gasped when he saw the remains of _something_ on the floor, laying in holy water. The smell was horrible but was unmistakably the one of a Demon. “What happened?”.

Crowley shrugged, his voice tense and a bit accusingly: “I tried to tell you that the forces of hell were coming after me…That was Ligur, a duke of hell. Could you remove this mess?”.

“Certainly” Aziraphale answered, snapping his fingers and gone it was along with the smell, not even a stain left.

“Thanks” Crowley mumbled, rubbing his eyes, noticing that he isn’t wearing his sunglasses. “I’ll head to bed. Make yourself at home, Aziraphale. We’ll do the body swap in the morning, alright?”.

He turned to leave but Aziraphale grabbed his hand tight, trying to pull him back. “My dear, I was hoping we could spend some time together now”.

Crowley looked into those ocean blue eyes. How many times had he seen them and felt his heart swell with love and admiration? But now all he can feel is this empty and hurt feeling. He never denied a chance to spend time with Aziraphale, but he just couldn’t tonight. “I’d rather not, if I’m honest”.

Aziraphale frowned at that: “I could make a drink for us and we can sit down and talk. Or I could draw you a bath and help you clean yourself, your muscles must be sore”.

Crowley tore his hand from the Angels grasp: “No. Just no, Aziraphale”.

They looked at each other, both hurt and with glistering eyes, until Aziraphale spoke, very quietly. “What’s wrong?”.

“What’s wrong?!” Crowley breathed, his hurt turning to anger. “What the fuck are you trying to do here, Aziraphale?! Y-You hold my hand, make me sleep on your chest, carry me and now you want to bath me? While for the last 6000 years you avoided even looking at me for too long?!”.

Aziraphales breath caught in his throat at that. “I’m trying to…to finally bring us together like we always wanted, Crowley…You wanted us to be _together_ too, right?”.

Crowley swallowed a lump in his throat, his eyes fully serpentine now. “If _I_ wanted? You’re the one who always pushed me away and I know why but-but…” he took a steadying breath, avoiding Aziraphales eyes. “What are you trying to say?”.

Aziraphale took a step closer, his voice firm. “Crowley, I lo-“.

“Don’t!” Crowley cut him off again, raising an accusing finger as a warning. “Don’t you dare say those words!”.

The step he took earlier was taken back and Aziraphale frowned even more. “Why? Why can’t I say what we both feel?!”.

Crowleys breathing got shaky and he felt tears build in his eyes, which in turn made Aziraphale worry even more. “Please, Crowley…talk to me, I can take it”.

“I can’t hear you say those words…not after today” the Demon whispered, his defences slowly breaking down. He needed to tell him this, he needed to get those words off his chest.

“Can you imagine the emotional rollercoaster I had today? I know Armageddon was hard on everyone but still. First, I met with you at the Bandstand. I was desperate Aziraphale, desperate for _you._ I was scared, I know you were too, but I didn’t care about myself. I needed you to be safe, because you’re the only being I give a single fuck about. And then you told me we’re not friends” He had to pause to swallow down a sob that wanted to escape.

Aziraphale watched him and listened, knowing he had fucked up bad today.

“I tried to brush your words off, like I always did throughout our time together. He’s just scared, he knows what will happen if we…” not even he could say those words but both knew what he wanted to say.

“…Because I always told myself that if it really came down to it, you’d choose me over anything else, just like I would choose you. Then I came for you a second time, begging you to run away with me. Hell was coming after me and I had lost all hope to safe earth…but you didn’t choose me. You choose heaven, saying that if you’d reach the right people you could stop it, not listening to me” those next words would have never left his mouth but Crowley needed Aziraphale to hear them anyway. “Not even my fall hurt that much, Aziraphale”.

Aziraphale felt tears running down his cheeks but he didn’t say anything, just listening.

“I barely managed to kill Ligur with the holy water you gave me and trapped Hastur in my answering machine, still don’t know how that bastard got out of there…” The memories of what came next finally brought him to tears.

“I came to get you one last time, because even though it hurt, I still wanted you. And I saw the bookshop burning down. In all my years here on earth I was always able to sense you but now you were just gone…I thought I have _truly_ lost you” a deep sob wrenched itself out of his throat and he furiously wiped the tears away.

“When you found me in the bar, drunk as fuck, I wasn’t _just_ trying to drown my feelings, this deep grieve over loosing you” Crowley lifted his eyes, staring deep into the ocean of Aziraphales eyes. “I knew that if I was drunk enough, I would build up the courage to throw myself into the next holy water fountain I‘d find…’Cause a world without you isn’t worth living” another pause before he went on, not missing how much Aziraphale was shaking.

“Keeping the Bentley going for so long and stopping time drained what little energy I had left from me. When you said you’d never talk to me again if I didn’t came up with something, I didn’t even fell the sting of hurt anymore, because I was numb at that point” he finished, his chest heaving with breaths he didn’t need but felt like he was going to suffocate anyway.

“C-Crowley” Aziraphale sniffed, talking a step closer once more. “I’m so s-sorry”.

“I can’t hear you say the words I wanted to hear for so long, because although I trust you with my life…I’m afraid of getting hurt again and I can’t take that anymore, Aziraphale” Crowley never cried so openly before, not even his sunglasses there to shield his eyes.

Aziraphale opened his shaking arms, afraid of doing any more damage than he had already inflicted: “May I hold you?”.

Crowley sniffed, taking the last step between them and leaned his forehead against the Angels shoulder, crying even more when Aziraphale carefully put his arms around him, holding him gently.

They remained silent for a while, nothing more than their tears and shaking breaths. Until Aziraphale took a steadying breath, his voice shaking when he spoke. “I’m sorry, Crowley. I’m an Idiot, so utterly stupid…I will make it up to you, please let me make it up to you, I can’t bear the thought of losing you. _Please,_ don’t leave me. I don’t deserve you or your forgiveness but please stay”.

Crowley nodded into his shoulder, slowly moving out of the embrace. “I need some time, Aziraphale. I want _this_ between us” he gestured vaguely between themselves, “But I’m not ready yet. Give me some time…I will always stay with you…Now I’d like to sleep, please”.

Aziraphale nodded with a sad smile, his head hanging slightly in shame, his eyes closed, waiting for Crowley to leave.

What he didn’t expect was to feel the light brush of soft lips on his right cheek, but he didn’t dare move until Crowley went into his bedroom for his well-earned rest. The kiss was a promise. A promise that things can get better again.

As Aziraphale made his way to the couch with a guilty heart, he couldn’t help but notice that Crowley hadn’t called him _Angel_ once.


	2. A Good Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a week of being apart, Aziraphale and Crowley meet again for what looks like their first date.

_One week after their trial_

Patience is a virtue.

Aziraphale had patience. Enough of it to wait for his favourite tea or cocoa to cool a bit, enough to wait for a new book that was being sent his way or even enough to wait for as long as the chefs at the Ritz needed to prepare his food.

But waiting for a whole week for the day he could see Crowley again was his limit.

He had missed his beloved bookshop dearly, after all he had almost lost it, but during this week he couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wanted to leave it. Specifically to visit Crowley.

The day after the world was supposed to end was so many things at once. Nerve wrecking, awkward, beautiful and still full of relief.

Aziraphale was on edge the whole time but surprisingly not because he was literally dragged through hell. No, it was because although there was laughter too, Crowley was mostly distant. The only touch they shared that day were the two times they shook hands to perform the body swap and back.

The Angel must have taken every little thing Crowley did for granted before, because without them, Aziraphale felt lonely. He missed every small smile, every time he had the chance to see those serpent eyes light up, every joke and every simple touch.

“Its not for long” Crowley had said, “Just a week. I think a bit of distance would do us good. I´ll come and get you next Saturday, alright?”.

Aziraphale felt near tears yet again and forced himself to smile, with some success, but not nearly enough to fool Crowley. “Of course, dear, whatever you need…I´m sorry”.

He apologized so many times already that even Crowley chuckled a bit at how pathetic it felt. But he couldn’t help it.

As an Angel, Aziraphale was the very being of love. It was deeply woven in every fibre of his essence, filled his corporation to the brim and was his driving force.

He had loved many things in his long life so far. His books, his clothing, the ducks at St. James park, humanity and everything else that was on this earth. Of course he loved _her_ too, and yet he never felt such a high amount of overbearingly intense love as he did for Crowley.

During their week apart, Aziraphale could only ever think of Crowley. And even if he did somehow manage to drift his mind off from the Demon, it only lasted for maybe a few minutes at best. His bookshop was closed, or maybe one should say it was more closed than usual. Sometimes a customer would walk up to the door, knowing full well that it was a gambling game if the shop was open, but even they were surprised at the extend it took during this week.

And since Aziraphale felt like he was going mad because of a _week_ , he felt even more guilty at the thought of Crowley doing this for 6000 years.

Only about ten minutes away in Mayfair, a Demon was busy eyeing his plants.

For Crowley, this week apart was filled with mostly sleep and getting drunk to drown his thoughts. He honestly couldn’t tell how he felt anymore. Mostly there was just this emptiness inside of him, a hollow place where something used to be, but was almost gone. There was just a faint feeling of it left, thought he didn’t dare acknowledge it.

Then there was anger and grief. Over what he almost lost, the things Aziraphale said to him and yet also anger at himself for sending the Angel away. But he did the right thing, he needed this time apart to gather his feelings and thoughts again.

And deep down he also felt hope. Hope that things could get normal again, that this emptiness wouldn’t stay forever and…did he dare to think of it?

He bit his lips instead and banished the trail of thought, focusing back on his plants, shaking in fear before him.

“Not a single spot” he announced which in turn made the plants shake just a little bit less. “But don’t get your hopes up! You still have a long way to go and if I even see one of you relaxing and thinking you’re good enough, you’re done for!”.

Although it had some effect, even the plants knew that there wasn’t a real fire behind it right now. They didn’t feel at ease, they knew better than that, but they weren’t as scared as they could’ve been.

Crowley sighed and sat down in the middle of the room, ignoring how cold the concrete floor was. “Whatever”.

He rested his head on his right hand, glaring around at his plants, feeling like they were trying to accuse him. “What was I supposed to do, huh? Act like nothing happened?”.

There wasn’t a response, but he still narrowed his eyes at the greenery around him.

“I did just that for 6000 years, see what has resulted from it?” he gestured at himself, “No, Aziraphale deserves to feel bad. A Demon can only take so much, so stop trying to make me feel bad about myself! I’m a being from hell, I-I…”.

He stopped ranting, noticing how ridiculous it was, purring his heart out to his fucking plants. Another deep sigh left his lips and he looked at his wristwatch, he’ll have to get Aziraphale in about half an hour.

He got up and started to pace, a thing he often did when he was irritated. “What should I have done in your opinion then?”.

He stopped in front of a spider plant, as if it had actually asked him for an answer. “Should I have let him fucking bathe me?! And-And then what? Kiss him and then drag him to my bed, fucking him until the sun would rise like I dreamed for centuries?!”.

He hadn’t meant to voice that last part but whatever, they were just plants after all. He felt like crying all over again. He was hurt, he wanted space, wanted to build a wall around his heart and yet he also longed for Aziraphale, the only ever friend he ever had. The only being beside God herself that he had ever truly loved.

He ran his hand through his fiery hair and then down his face, taking a few calming breaths while closing his eyes for a few seconds. “I need a shower”.

Crowley walked over to his bathroom, banishing his clothing with a thought and stepped inside his shower. The warmth of the water was just what he needed to calm down. Strictly speaking he didn’t _need_ to wash himself but he stilled liked to do it. He liked the feeling of water sliding down his lean body, letting it wash away his worries with it.

His mind wandered yet again to Aziraphale and for the time being, he decided to let it. He wondered if Aziraphale would ever share this shower with him. The Angel had offered to bathe him after all.

Crowleys imagination was a skilled thing and so he pretended the water sliding down his back was actually Aziraphale, gently washing and massaging his skin. What would Aziraphale do? Would he just wash him? Or would he start to kiss him too, maybe even more?

That was the point where Crowley had to stop himself and then the shower itself. Tears began to form in his eyes, his Iris fully blown wide, leaving no white to be seen. There it was again, this burning in his chest.

How can you want to be both as near and as far away as possible from someone?! Feelings were a stupid thing, why ever did God decide to create them in the first place?

Stepping out of the shower on shaking legs, Crowley miracled himself dry and dressed in his favourite and usual attire. He needed to leave, or he’ll be late.

After another quick look in the mirror he headed to his front door and left his flat. He walked to his Bentley, the old girl roaring to life almost immediately as he sat down in the driver seat. He gently ran his hand over the headboard and smiled. “Eager, are we?”.

Another roar of the engine was the answer and he gripped the steering wheel, driving out of his parking spot and into the busy streets of London.

While Crowley was on his way over, Aziraphale stared at his reflection, brows knitted together in worry. He felt like he looked ridiculous but then again, he reasoned, his outfit didn’t need to appeal to himself but to Crowley.

The Demon made a few jokes in the past about how Aziraphale never dressed according to the modern age, which was true, but Aziraphale liked his clothes. They were comfortable and suited him just fine. He never felt insecure about them before, but now with his relationship with Crowley so uncertain, he desperately wanted to please the Demon. Hopefully this new attire would work.

He wore light blue jeans, combined with a bare grey T-shirt and a white coat. His bowtie was left behind like the rest and he had a modern wristwatch instead of his poked one. Not even his shoes were the same, instead his feet were safely placed inside white sneakers. The Angel had never heard the term “Sneakers” before, but the kind lady helping him combine this outfit assured him that it was modern and “totally in right now”, whatever that meant.

It wasn’t bad, the clothes were comfortable, but it wasn’t _him._ But that didn’t matter to Aziraphale right now.

He heard the unmistakable sound of the Bentleys engine, coming to stop in front of his bookshop. His heartbeat increased and he could feel it up to his throat. The knot in his stomach loosened a little at the realization that in a few seconds, he would see Crowley.

The door to the shop was locked but, of course, opened right up as Crowley laid his hand on the handle. The little bell above the door announced his arrival.

“Aziraphale? I’m here!” Crowley called into the bookshop, just to make sure that the Angel knows.

“Crowley, my dear!” Aziraphale appeared from the backroom, a wide smile on his lips as he finally saw the lean form of his most beloved companion.

Crowley eyed him and took of his sunglasses to make sure his vision didn’t fool him. “What the hell are you wearing?”.

Aziraphales smile wavered a little and his hands began shaking. “O-Oh this? I bought it a f-few days ago, something modern, you know? Y-You don’t like it?”.

Crowley stalked over and circled him, frowning when he came to stand before the Angel. “Why? I mean, if you like it then wear it, it looks nice. But this isn’t who you are, in my eyes. I mean it doesn’t even have tartan on it, it doesn’t look like the fussy old bookshop owner you are”.

Aziraphales shoulders slumped down and he sighed, closing his eyes to gather his thoughts. “I thought you’d like me being modern and such…”.

Crowley sighed too and snapped his fingers. Aziraphale felt the change of clothing, the familiar weight of his coat, the tightness of his bowtie and knew that Crowley miracled his normal clothes on him.

“Could you look at me?” Crowley asked and Aziraphale complied, opening his eyes to meet the serpent ones. “You don’t need to change for me, Aziraphale. I lo-… _like_ you this way, always have and always will”.

Aziraphale smiled again and let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Alright, dear. Thank you”.

“Don’t mention it” Crowley, for once, didn’t hide his kind smile and turned for the door. “Shall we then?”.

Aziraphale hurried to his side and closed the door after them. He was overly excited and had a slight jump in his step as he made his way to the Bentley. They sat in silence during the drive to the Ritz.

Funny enough, they hadn’t said a thing about where they would go today but both felt like the Ritz would be a good choice. Maybe after 6000 years of knowing each other it shouldn’t be a surprise that they could make simple decisions like that without even saying a word.

Although Aziraphale held onto the Bentley for dear life, he didn’t comment on Crowleys driving once.

The Bentley came to a halt by the Ritz and the two entities made their way into the building. They were led to a miraculously free table and sat down, Aziraphale going out of his way to pull the chair back for Crowley to sit.

The attention, although very unused to, was greatly appreciated by said Demon, but he didn’t show too much of it. It was nice but there was still tension between them, obviously.

Aziraphale didn’t miss that Crowley looked awfully stiff in his seat. It was only more apparent when one considers that Crowley wasn’t known to sit straight at all, so the difference was clearly visible.

They ordered their wine first and then decided on a small bite with it. As they sipped their wine an uncomfortable silence formed.

“Crowley?” Aziraphale asked for his attention with hesitance. “A-Are you uncomfortable with me?”. 

It was obvious but Aziraphale wanted to make sure. After all, too many things were left unsaid in their past, which contributed to this mess their relationship had become.

Crowley sighed deeply and took another sip of his wine. “Its complicated, Aziraphale…”.

The Demons mind began to race, having the same thoughts Aziraphale had only moments before. They needed to talk more openly about everything, otherwise this wouldn’t lead to anything.

“I want us to be honest…This last week without you was very strange for me. A part of me wanted to stay away from you while the rest of me wanted to see you. I don’t think I could ever live without you and I don’t want to but…again, its complicated” he said, trying to keep his voice steady.

Crowley found the tablecloth to be very interesting in that moment, too afraid of what he would see if he looked up at Aziraphale. A jolt of surprise went through his body as said Angel laid his hand softly, _carefully_ over his own, laying on the table. He didn’t grab or use pressure, giving Crowley the opportunity to retrieve his hand, if he so desired. He didn’t.

“Is this alright?” Aziraphale asked, searching for the Demons eyes behind the dark lenses.

Crowley nodded with a shaking breath. He was ever so glad to be able to hide a little bit behind his sunglasses.

“Listen, Crowley. If this is still too much for you, what is understandable, then please tell me so. We don’t need to do this now, we can wait” Aziraphale tried to reassure him, gently stroking his thumb over Crowleys knuckles. “You can sleep for another hundred years, if that helps. I can handle it, I had before…although not exactly, I did visit you every now and then – Oh!”.

Aziraphale covered his mouth with his free hand, a beautiful blush settling over his cheeks. He clearly didn’t mean to tell him that last part.

Crowley finally raised his head enough to look at Aziraphale, eyebrows rising high. “You visited me during my century long nap?”.

“That was hardly a nap, dear” Aziraphale tried to deflect, with no success.

Crowley chuckled quietly, shaking his head in disbelieve. “Why?”.

Aziraphale grew even more red, to Crowleys delight. “I-I missed you. And I was worried that something might happen to you while you rested, I did some reports for you so hell would leave you alone…I hope that wasn’t inappropriate?”.

Well that explained why hell never said a word about his absence during his nap. The thought of Aziraphale, hovering over him as he slept, silently fussing over his wellbeing was rather endearing. “No, its alright…Thank you”.

The mood was a little bit lighter after that. They were even able to laugh together and Crowleys posture relaxed, thought some tension was still there.

Afterwards, Crowley drove Aziraphale back to the bookshop. Aziraphale started fidgeting his fingers once more, glancing over at his beloved. “Would you be alright with sharing a bit more wine in the bookshop?”.

Crowley hesitated, his mouth closing and opening a few times, but no sound left his throat. Their meeting went rather well but his guts twisted a bit at the thought of staying alone with Aziraphale, in his home no less.

Aziraphale forced himself to smile, his voice calm. “It’s alright, you don’t have to, my dear. But I would like to give you something, of that’s alright? It would only take five minutes at best”.

Give him something? Curiosity may have killed a cat, but it never killed a Demon and so Crowley agreed and followed Aziraphale into the bookshop.

“Wait here a moment, please” Aziraphale instructed him and vanished into the deeper parts of the shop, his voice fading a bit, but he still audible. “Now I know you would never, but I would still be glad if you kept this a little secret. Our used to be sides wouldn’t be too happy about his if they ever found out, I’m afraid”.

That only made Crowley more intrigued to know what the Angel was gifting him. A secret? Something heaven and hell would be angry about? Whatever it was, Crowley already liked the sound of it.

Aziraphale eventually reappeared, holding a big plant pot with a small tree planted inside. An _apple tree,_ to be precise. And Crowley, as the serpent of Eden, knew exactly what kind of apple tree that was. “W-What?! How?”.

Aziraphale smiled sheepishly and put the pot down on his desk. “Before God destroyed the Garden, I couldn’t resist and plugged an apple from the tree of knowledge. God is omnipotent, so she knows about it but since she never acted upon it or anyone else ever knew, I figured it was safe for me to keep. It miraculously stayed fresh for a long time until I decided to plant its seeds and from those seeds this little tree grew. I don’t have much knowledge about plants but I somehow managed to keep it alive for all this time” he explained, hesitantly putting his hand on Crowleys shoulder, “I wanted to give it to you for a while now…but I never had the courage to do it. Now it is yours, if you’d accept it”.

Crowley stared at the tree, carefully reaching out to stroke over one of its leaves. “I-It’s beautiful I…Fuck, _Angel,_ thank you”.

Aziraphale shivered at finally hearing his pet name again and smiled brightly at Crowley. “You are so very welcome, my dear”.

Crowley turned away from the tree for a moment, slowly snaking his arms around Aziraphales soft middle for a tight hug. It surprised the Angel, but he soon returned the gesture and they stayed like that for what felt like hours.

After their contact broke, they agreed upon meeting again very soon and Crowley took his tree and departed to his own home.

Aziraphale watched the Bentley go, his chest throbbing from all the love he had for this Demon and felt proud of himself for making Crowley this happy.

As Crowley later put his new tree down next to the rest of his plants, he smiled at himself. He raised a hand to his chest and sighed with relief as he felt the previous emptiness finally filling again, not all that much, but it certainly was a good start.


	3. The Memorys I Keep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale invites Crowley for a romantic beach day, having a surprise ready for his most beloved.

_Four months later_

The past months were filled with what Crowley liked to call “dipping your toes in water” moments.

You know the feeling; You want to submerge yourself in water, maybe a nice bath or going for a swim on your holidays. But you don’t just jump right in, no you test the water first with the very tip of your toes.

Sometimes you have to jerk back, because the water is way to freezing to even think about entering further. One of those moments, for example, was when Aziraphale talked about the time he got rather close with Oscar Wilde. Not sexually or even romantically but it hurt Crowley none the less at the thought that a mere human was allowed to hug Aziraphale and have all those casually funny evenings shared with him, while he himself wasn’t allowed to even shake his hand during that time.

Other times the water would be hot, almost to the point of boiling. An example of that kind of moment was when Aziraphale became a little overly eager one evening and tried to kiss Crowley, for which he wasn’t ready for. The blush that settled was hot on his skin, but it also hurt, and he had to keep his distance for a while after that to calm down again. (Of course Aziraphale apologized profusely for his ignorance).

_But_ there would also be times when the water has the perfect temperature. Luckily those moments occurred far more often than the other two. A prime example of that was when Crowley wanted to take his Bentley for a little stroll one afternoon and found it to be filled to the brim with wonderful red roses. A handwritten note was left on his windshield:

_My dear Crowley_

_I do hope you don’t mind the roses too much but I just needed to show you their beauty. I hope you keep them but of course you don’t have to._

_Their red colour reminded me of your beautiful fiery hair._

_Your Aziraphale_

“Your Aziraphale”, now that made his heart pound like a jackhammer. He had to admit, he liked the attention he was getting from the Angel. It was nice to have the roles reversed, Aziraphale being the one to pursue Crowley like a madman.

And of course, he kept the roses, though he decided to let them wither away with time, since if Aziraphale wanted to gift him flowers so often, he would run out of space in his flat eventually.

The greatest gift however, the small apple tree of Eden, however would never wither away. It was in fact the only plant in Crowleys possession that wasn’t terrified of him. It didn’t have a reason for it, since Crowley never found a flaw on it and therefore never yelled or threatened it.

The other plants were more than just jealous and confused when they heard the Demon praise it, this newcomer in their space. On the other hand, it seemed to have motivated a few of them to grow even better, wanting to hear those kind words directed at them one day.

Today Aziraphale wanted to drive to Brighton to have a romantic beach day. It was fine with Crowley, he liked the sea and as a cold-blooded snake, he liked the warm sun and sand even more.

The thing that made him hesitate at first was the idea of having to undress. After all, it was a beach. They would swim and he can’t swim with his tight denim jeans and his vest, that would be uncomfortable.

Of course, he wouldn’t wear _nothing,_ he did own swimming shorts, but he wasn’t comfortable yet to share so much skin. It was a bit ridiculous. In Rome, after they shared oysters at Patronus new restaurant, they went to one of the many bath houses together. They had literally seen everything of their corporal forms, the way God had made them.

But his worries were for nothing, as Aziraphale reassured him that he didn’t intent to swim either. They would just enjoy the beach together, no need for any nudity.

What did make him just a little bit uneasy though, was the fact that Aziraphale had insisted on bringing two things along: A basked, covered with a blanked, and a chest.

He didn’t know what was stored inside those items. The basket, he suspected, was filled with food and wine. After all, Aziraphale did propose a picnic once.

But he had no idea what the chest was about. It looked old and a bit dusty, it was supported by a minor miracle, so it didn’t just fall apart at the seams.

Both items were safely placed in the Bentleys trunk and they made their way to Brighton.

“So,” Crowley broke the comfortable silence after a while, “What’s in that chest of yours?”.

Aziraphale had a wicked smile on his lips and Crowley noticed a light blush on those chubby cheeks too.

“Don’t you worry, my dear, you’ll find out soon enough” Aziraphale said, turning his attention back on the scenery outside the window as they drove past it.

“Soon implies what? In an hour or sometime today or…?” Crowley was curious by nature and Aziraphale knew that well.

Aziraphale couldn’t help but chuckle. “If you _must_ know, I intend to show you once we found a more or less remote place to relax at the beach”.

Crowley sighed in defeat, there wasn’t any use in trying further. At least Crowley did have patience, too.

The Demon twitched in surprise as Aziraphale gently caressed his cheek, just lightly as not to distract him from driving, as if that even mattered with a Bentley under demonic powers.

“You are very handsome, you know” Aziraphale breathed in awe, almost too quiet to be heard.

Hugs and small affectionate gestures were a little more common between them at this point. Even some small words were exchanged in that regard. But this was the first time one of them said something like this so openly, so direct.

Crowley was caught off guard and was glad that the Bentley, due to the previously mentioned demonic powers, took over for the few moments in which Crowley tried to reboot his brain. Otherwise that comment would have been the reason for the Demons second crash (the first one being when he hit that Witch in Tadfield).

Aziraphale immediately realized that Crowley was overwhelmed by his compliment. “O-Oh, I’m sorry Crowley! I shouldn’t have said that so soon, we can go back to London if you want”.

“Ngk!” Crowley felt his cheeks burning but his mind began to think more rational again. “N-No, it’s alright…Just caught me by surprise”.

Aziraphale let out a sigh of relief and smiled reassuringly at his companion. “I will be more careful in the future, please forgive me”.

An awkward silence followed then, both trying their hardest not to make eye contact, due to their embarrassment.

Crowley felt his stomach fluttering and he a sweet tingly feeling all over his heated skin. He couldn’t help it, he admitted that it felt good.

“Do you really think so?” he asked quietly, biting his lips afterwards as his guts began to twist in a knot from excitement.

Aziraphale looked at him and frowned puzzled. “Think what?”.

Oh, he was really going to make him say it, wasn’t he? That Bastard. “That I’m…handsome”.

He gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white from the force of it. He was surprised the Bentley didn’t react to being handled this roughly.

He stared at the road intently, but he could see a tender smile form on the Angels lips from his peripheral vision. It was so full of affection that it almost hurt.

“Of course, I mean it” Aziraphale raised his hands to his own chest, covering the place where is heart was beating just underneath. “You are the most beautiful being I’ve ever had the privilege to lay my eyes upon”.

Oh fuck, that really did feel good. The dark emptiness inside Crowley was being filled once more with another few drops of that feeling it once housed to the brim. “Y-You’re handsome, too”.

He managed a shy smile towards the Angel before he concentrated on the road again. They didn’t talk for the rest of the way to Brighton, but the silence was welcomed by them both.

Once they arrived at their destination, Aziraphale instructed Crowley to carry the basket while he himself carried the chest, cradled in his arms.

The sun was pleasant on Crowleys skin and the light breeze from the ocean brought with it the salty smell he knew all too well. He had to hand it to God, the oceans she created are wonderful.

As he followed Aziraphale towards the sandy beach, he couldn’t help but think that besides the oceans, she created another wonderful thing too.

Aziraphale lead him straight towards a part of a beach that was suddenly clear of any humans, the tingle of an angelic miracle hanging in the air. Aziraphale really wanted to be alone with him.

They found a spot that was concealed by a few big rocks and set the blanket down to sit on, the chest was put down next to Aziraphale.

“Would you be a dear and open up the bottle of wine in the basket?” Aziraphale asked, confirming Crowleys earlier suspicion that something edible and, more importantly, drinkable was inside that basket.

“Not a problem” Crowley answered. Wine was exactly what he needed right now, he could almost taste the fine red liquid on his forked tongue…But what is this?

Crowley frowned down at the bottle of wine in the basket. It was accompanied by a few snacks, as he expected, but around the bottles neck was something shiny. He picked up the wine with care and inspected the shiny object, while Aziraphale wiggled nervously in his place.

It was a bracelet. A silver plate on top of chains, the kind that his tie was made of too. On the plate itself the words “Most Beloved” were carved in Enochian, the language of Angels, in beautiful shimmering gold. It looked handmade but as a Demon Crowley felt the angelic powers over it and was hesitant to touch it.

“It’s safe” Aziraphale assured him then, “I made it myself. Who knew a skill I learned hundreds of years ago out of fun would prove itself to be useful someday?”.

He chuckled shyly. “It has a protection spell on it, it wards against Angels…thought I left myself out of that spell, hope that’s alright. I dearly wish to keep you safe”.

Crowley stared at the beautiful jewellery before reaching forward to pick it up. It didn’t hurt him, not that he didn’t trust Aziraphale, but it was reassuring none the less. “You made this? It looks great, Angel”.

Aziraphales eyes lit up as he watched his Demon put the bracelet on, turning his wrist in all directions to get a good look.

Finally, Crowley smiled softly and shimmed over to Aziraphales side, hugging him. “Thanks, I like it”.

Aziraphale returned the hug instantly, glad that his first ever self-made gift was appreciated. “It suits you nicely, my dear”.

“Now I really want that wine thought” Crowley chuckled and removed himself from the embrace to open the bottle.

Aziraphale pulled two glasses from the basket and held them still for Crowley to fill. Afterwards they shared the first sip together and relaxed into the blanket, staring out to the open sea for a while.

“You asked about my chest earlier” Aziraphale said, breaking the silence. “Would you like to know more now?”.

To be honest, Crowley almost forgot about that mysterious chest, too preoccupied with his new accessory. But now that it’s mentioned again, his focus shifted immediately.

Aziraphale tapped the spot next to him on the blanked. “Would you come a little closer?”.

Crowley hesitated for a moment. It was one thing to hug Aziraphale. It was a short whiled physical contact but sitting close to him was something else. But he decided he was acting a bit ridiculous and complied with the Angels request.

Aziraphale pulled the chest to the front of them and laid his hand on top, about to open it as he looked at Crowley again. “Would you mind removing your glasses, dear?”.

Crowley shifted his gaze from the chest to Aziraphale. They had talked before about how Crowley felt safer with them on, not as vulnerable as he really was and agreed that he may wear them as he saw fit but that Aziraphale was allowed to ask for their removal sometimes. But at the end it was Crowleys decision if he wanted to wear them or not.

Aziraphale noticed the hesitation and tried to explain his intensions. “You don’t _have_ to, of course. It’s just that you have beautiful eyes and…” he looked back at the chest, “…This is rather personal and I’d like to share it with you fully, without barriers”.

Personal? Crowley may have known Aziraphale for 6000 years, but they never really talked about personal stuff from their past before. Crowley took a steadying breath before he reached for his glasses and pulled them off, safely tucking them into his pocket.

They stared at each other for a moment. Aziraphale knew how delicate this moment was, how easily he could destroy the little trust that had built over the last months. He was grateful and yet terrified for those eyes.

Both simultaneously adverted their eyes from each other to the chest and Aziraphale finally opened it with a deep and calming breath.

Crowley leaned forward to take a peek inside and his brows knitted together in confusion. “What is all this?”.

The chest was filled with random things, little clutter and ancient looking objects. He looked up at the lid and was surprised to see a very old photograph of himself taped inside. It was shot in 1826, cameras were just invented but basically almost useless. He remembered that he had shown Aziraphale this new machine and that they had taken a photo of him to see what all the fuss was about. He also remembered that he told the human who invented the thing to destroy the picture.

Aziraphale sighed next to him, pulling him out if his thoughts. “This is my, what I like to call, Memory Chest. I know you like to keep little souvenirs sometimes but you’re by far not the only one”.

He gently ran his finger along the frame of the picture and smiled. “I hope you aren’t cross with me for the things I kept in here. The man was about to throw it into a fire but I managed to bribe him into handing it to me instead”.

Crowley felt a blush settle on his cheeks but the photo wasn’t all that Aziraphale had in there.

Aziraphale reached inside and pulled out a long black feather. Of course, Crowley recognized it as his own.

“It’s from the first time you allowed me to groom your wings, back on Noah’s Ark, remember?” Aziraphale smiled and petted the feather softly.

“Yes, I remember, how could I forget? And you kept it for so long?” Crowley felt warm all over again.

Wings and their feathers were an intimate thing for both Angels and Demons. Grooming the wings of someone else required at deep trust and connection, which was the reason that Aziraphale and Crowley mostly did it by themselves before. They didn’t have any connections of that sort. But then Aziraphale offered to help him, when he saw Crowley under the deck in Noah’s Ark, and it was a very bonding moment.

Aziraphale nodded and continued, feeling at ease since Crowley didn’t seem to be cross with him. Next, he pulled out a glass container with the head of a flower safely placed inside, a _narcissus,_ to be precise. “The apple form the Tree of knowledge wasn’t the only thing I took from the garden of Eden. After the humans were cast out, I saw that you remained in the garden for another day. You seemed to like those flowers and when you went your way, I took this single one and preserved it inside here”.

Crowley carefully took the glass container and looked at the beautiful white flower inside. “Yeah, they were my favourite flowers back then…I guess they kinda reminded me of you”. His voice was lighter and even a bit teasingly.

“Well I hope you mean the flower itself and not the story the Greeks came up with as to its creation!” Aziraphale chuckled.

(If you don’t know the story: Basically there was this young man, Narcissus, who was the most handsome man around. He was known to always reject any romantic advances, since he could never love someone who isn’t as beautiful as himself. He fell in love with his own reflection in a lake and died because he wouldn’t leave the sight of it. Where he died the Narcissus flower grew).

Even Crowley chuckled at that. “The look of the flower, Angel, I promise”.

Aziraphale was pleased by that answer and continued digging. The Item he pulled out next was a quill, a fiery red feather. Crowley blushed even more as he recognised it, that would get embarrassing.

“I always loved to read your poetry, my dear. I was a bit disappointed when you stop after William stole some of them…But I kept a few and the quill you used to write them with” Aziraphale reached back inside the chest and his hand reappeared with a few papers.

Crowley grabbed them instantly and pressed them to his chest. “T-They’re stupid! Why would you keep s-stupid stuff?!”.

Aziraphale huffed, almost outraged. “They’re not stupid at all! I’ve read them at least a thousand times and you know fully well that I do not read just anything…I always hoped you would recite them to me one day…Is it terribly selfish to ask for that now?”.

Crowley glanced around helplessly and embarrassed. He didn’t dare to think that Aziraphale would actually ever read any of his poems and the fact that the Angel liked them was almost too much for his demonic self. And now he was asked to read them to him, the being of his desire? But then he figured that since Aziraphale knew them already, it didn’t really make a difference if he read them to him now and when he looked up at those blue eyes, so full of hope, he just had to nod.

“ _My love is as a fever, longing still_

_For that which longer nurseth the disease,_

_Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,_

_Th’ uncertain sickly appetite to please._

_My reason, the physician to my love,_

_Angry that his prescriptions are not kept,_

_Hath left me, and I desperate now approve_

_Desire is death, which physic did except._

_Past cure I am, now reason is past care,_

_And frantic-mad with evermore unrest;_

_My thoughts and my discourse as madmen’s are,_

_At random from the truth vainly expressed:_

_For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,_

_Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.”_

Crowley didn’t make eye contact with Aziraphale, feeling like his face was burning up until a soft hand was laid over his left cheek, cooling it a bit and making him look up into teary angelic eyes.

“Beautiful, my dear Crowley, thank you so much” Aziraphale sniffled and caressed his cheek one more time before he broke the contact to rub his eyes.

“William was a dick” Crowley murmured. He remembered that smug grin on Shakespeare’s face when Crowley confronted him about his stolen poems. He remembered the urge of dancing on his grave after he died, but didn’t want to upset other humans or his Angel.

“I may have liked his work but believe me, I didn’t like _him”_ Aziraphale agreed, although secretly wishing for less vulgar language.

Now it was Crowley who peeked inside the chest and retrieve something from it. It was a hairpin, shaped like a snake, covered in beautiful glistering diamonds. “I thought I threw that into a pond after my outbreak?”.

A temptation that didn’t work out and he knew Hell wouldn’t be too happy about. He was angry at himself and at the stupid human who didn’t do what he was told.

He was supposed to tempt Louis XIV in his palace of Versailles, trying to get him to start another war. The king of France was filled with pride, envy, lust and greed the last time Crowley had visited, so it should have been so very easy. But the monarch was already turned to follow the path of holy light, his latest wife being the reason for it and Crowley had no change of getting to him.

He remembered Aziraphale being there but not even looking at him when his plan failed. He also remembered how he wanted to be comforted by the Angel, but who never came.

Aziraphale watched how Crowleys face fell a bit and reached out to slowly hold his hand. “What’s wrong, dear?”.

“I was scared back then” the Demon admitted, “I was angry because I feared the consequences of my failure in hell…and I wished for your company…your comfort”.

Aziraphale nodded, guilt building up. “I’m sorry. I wanted to follow you outside to calm you down but my duties were hindering me…I saw you ripping the pin from your beautiful hair and throwing it into the pond. Would you like to know how I got it? I think you’ll find it rather amusing”.

Crowley nodded without saying a word and so Aziraphale continued. “I was, once more, reprimanded by heaven and couldn’t use a miracle. So, I waited until nightfall and went for a dive, retrieving it the old fashion way, as it were”.

Crowley laughed at that, picturing the Angel soaking wet, crawling out of that dirty pond. His clothes must have been ruined after that. “All that just for this?”, he held the pin up.

Aziraphale squeezed his hand once before letting go. “It looked beautiful on you and I just couldn’t resist. I would do it again, any time”.

Crowley thought for a moment about throwing it into the ocean, only a few meters away, just to see if Aziraphale would actually do it, but decided against it. Instead he put it back into the chest, along with the quill, his poems and the flower and closed the lid. There were more things inside but Crowley was already feeling overwhelmed and decided that those would be for another time.

“Are you alright? Did I over do it again?” Aziraphale asked, worrying his fingers.

Crowley shook his head slowly, looking up into the Angels eyes once more. “Why did you keep all this stuff?”.

Aziraphale cleared his throat, feeling the blush on his cheek burning. “I know I never showed or voiced how much you mean to me in the past. I was scared about what hell would do to you if they knew. Heaven could make me fall but for you there isn’t much else of a punishment left” he blinked the tears away that threatened to leave his eyes, “And so I started this collection instead. Every time I couldn’t take it anymore, I would look through this chest and it would ease the pain in my heart a little”.

The sun behind them began to lower itself, painting everything in a beautiful golden and orange light.

Crowley took those words in and felt the emptiness filling a little bit more. It didn’t change how much Aziraphale had hurt him, but it made him feel better, knowing that Aziraphale kept those things for this long, thinking of him as he looked at the chest.

Crowley took a deep breath before a small but soft smile adored his lips. “Watch the sunset with me, Angel?”.

“Of course, dear” Aziraphale answered, relishing that smile.

To his surprise, but absolute delight, Crowley crawled over him and asked silently for him to spread his legs a little, so that he may sit between them. Crowley pressed his back against Aziraphales soft front and sighed when the Angel carefully put his arms around him, hugging him from behind as they watched the sun vanishing over time to make room for the night to fall.


	4. So Much To Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Aziraphale sit down for a much needed talk.

_Two weeks later_

“This is stupid” Crowley grumbled and moved further away from Aziraphale.

They were in Crowleys flat, sharing a couch that Crowley had to miracle into existence just for them to have a place to sit.

Aziraphale sighed. He wasn’t annoyed but it upset him that Crowley felt the need for distance yet again. He wasn’t upset with Crowley but with him, because he was the reason any of this is the way it is. “It’s not stupid, Crowley. We agreed that we need to talk more about how we’re feeling. Think of it as a…a meeting! All parties involved gather and share their information and opinions and work on the future”.

Crowley avoided the Angels eyes and stared into nothing, trying to sort through his thoughts. While their relationship has progressed a bit, Crowley still felt uneasy when he visited the bookshop for longer than maybe half an hour. It was easier when customers were around but that was a rare occasion.

That’s the reason why Aziraphale suggested that they did this at Crowleys place. And with _this,_ Aziraphale meant a deep conversation about feelings, their relationship and all that stuff.

Crowley agreed over the phone but now that it was actually happening, he was nervous and felt his body trembling. Crowley had trouble to even admit his feelings to himself, how was he supposed to voice them so openly?

His trusty sunglasses covered his eyes, making the world around him just a tad bit darker. This time, Aziraphale didn’t ask him to take them off, he knew that Crowley couldn’t handle being so raw and open for him in this kind of situation yet. And he was fine with that.

“M-Meeting…yeah, sure” the Demon whispered after a few minutes, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them.

Aziraphale felt another wave of guilt. Where was his confident, sassy Demon with hips that’s swing like he doesn’t have bones? With a charming smile and attitude?

Seeing Crowley so shy, making himself small as if to avoid a blow from a predator. He did this. It was entirely Aziraphales fault for the state Crowley was in.

He just couldn’t watch him like this. “Crowley, my dear?”.

Crowley slowly turned his head towards Aziraphale, being greeted by the sight of the Angels arms open wide, a soft smile on his lips that wavered around the edges.

Crowley never openly admitted to it but since that day on the beach, Aziraphale knew the Demon liked to cuddle. He liked hugs or when Aziraphale would gently run his fingertips over Crowleys arms, Aziraphale knew because it would always be Crowley who took the initiative. Not that Aziraphale didn’t want to, if he could he’d hold Crowley as much as possible, but letting Crowley take the shots was safer than taking the chance of scaring him off again.

This however was the first time Aziraphale invited him. Crowley knew it was his choice, that he didn’t need to get closer if he didn’t want too. But did he want to?

Aziraphale saw the conflict even through the sunglasses. “I can lay back a little and have you resting on my chest. I would just hold you, maybe a few calming strokes through your hair but nothing more, I promise…”.

His smile broke for a second before he forced it back on his lips. “…I know you feel uncomfortable when I can see your face during those conversations. You can hide your face by my neck, even if I dared to look at you, I wouldn’t see your face”.

He didn’t like the prospect of not seeing his beloveds face during such an important talk. But Crowleys comfort was above everything else.

Hesitantly Crowley nodded. Having a chance to hide was appealing and he liked the warmth that radiated from Aziraphale. He watched as the Principality made himself a bit more comfortable, leaning against one arm of the couch, before he opened his arms again.

Crowley felt his heart beating up to his throat as he slowly crawled over to Aziraphale, duking his head underneath the chubby chin as his torso was pressed flush against Aziraphales. His glasses were a bit uncomfortable, but he didn’t want to remove them.

Both let out a deep sigh as Aziraphale put his arms around the still trembling Demon, holding him in a gentle but tight embrace. They adjusted to this intimate contact in silence, Crowley lost in the smell of chocolate and lavender and Aziraphale in the warmth that pooled in his stomach.

“How are you?” Aziraphale broke the silence after what felt like hours but was probably closer to ten minutes.

“Comfortable” Crowley admitted, having closed his eyes some time ago.

Aziraphale smiled brightly. “Really?”.

Crowley nodded, as much as he could with his head tucked under. “You’re soft…could fall asleep”.

“As adorable as that would be, my dear”, Aziraphale said, ignoring the mumble of protest about the word _adorable,_ “I’d like for us to talk”.

Crowley trembled a bit more violently for a few moments and Aziraphale gently caressed Crowleys arm through it. “Are you alright?”.

The Demon didn’t trust his voice and nodded again, waiting for whatever Aziraphale would say next.

“I would like to know what those past months have been like for you” Aziraphales voice was so soft, as if Crowley was a wounded animal about to strike in defence. And in a sense, he was.

“Exhausting” Crowley managed a weak chuckle. “All over the place, really. I feel like someone had put weights on my back, holding me back. And every time I dare to make a move forward the weights would get heavier and it hurts”.

He felt his eyes burning with the effort of holding back tears already. “But then sometimes I’d feel warm and-and…happy…I’m sorry, navigating my feelings isn’t as easy as with a car”.

“Feelings sure are more complicated, I agree” Aziraphale said, daring to pet Crowleys hair once before his hand fell back into place on Crowleys back.

“What about you?” Crowley asked. He had wondered for a while, torn between guilt for making Aziraphale feel bad and an odd sense of need to protect himself anyway.

“I think exhausting would describe my experience too” Aziraphale stopped for a moment to see if Crowley felt uncomfortable but continued when he didn’t feel more trembling. “Please keep in mind that I do not hold you accountable for any of this. This is my fault and the things I feel are mine to bear and not your responsibility. When I thought about our future together, I always dreamed of us being as close as two beings could ever be. I hoped for us to start a new life _together,_ I want to show you how much you mean to me. I think the humans call it ‘worshiping the ground you walk on’”.

Crowley raised his head at that in shock. “Don’t say that! You’re an Angel, the only thing you should worship is God”.

Aziraphale gently but firmly pulled Crowley back into the embrace. “It’s a metaphor, Crowley. I won’t go around building monuments in your name”.

Then he added with a chuckle: “…Unless you’d like that?”.

“You’re insufferable sometimes, you idiot” Crowley laughed, feeling a little less tense.

Aziraphale laughed too, his chest rumbling with it, which Crowley found to be very delightful. “Well, I’d like to say I’m _your_ idiot”.

Crowley felt his cheeks burning and knew he was as red as Satans arse, his laughter coming to an abrupt stop. Aziraphales laugher died too and he grew worried once more.

“Was that too much?” He asked softly, already preparing for Crowley to voice his wish for some distance.

“Ngk!” Crowley buried his face deeper into the soft fabric of Aziraphales baby-blue shirt. “N-Nah…m’just em-embarrassed”.

Aziraphale relaxed a bit, he feared he had pushed too much yet again and although he didn’t intent to fluster his Demon like that, he was glad and just a little bit proud for it.

“Well, as I was saying” Aziraphale decided to continue, more serious again, “I would like to show you how deep my feelings for you run. As far as I understand, you’re still not ready for me to say it out loud, am I correct?”.

Crowley sighed, not missing the shiver than ran over Aziraphales body when his warm breath met his skin underneath the fabric. “Yes, I’m not ready. I’m sorry”.

Aziraphale nuzzled his cheek a little into the auburn locks underneath. “Don’t apologize, my dear. I have hurt you many times over the years and I know I said it a million times already, but it still isn’t enough; _I am so sorry”._

They held onto each other a little tighter and Crowley finally couldn’t take the sunglasses anymore, feeling like they might break soon from their position. “Close your eyes for a sec, will ya’?”.

Aziraphale did so without hesitation, although frowning in disappointment when Crowley sat up. He heard the familiar sound of sunglasses being folded and placed on the coffeetable beside them. Although it hurt to know that Crowley didn’t wish for him to see his eyes, Aziraphale didn’t say anything and waited until Crowley was back, safely tucked in his arms.

“Better?” he asked and Crowley nodded, his nose nuzzling against Aziraphales Adam’s apple. He felt a small amount of wetness and just held Crowley a bit tighter, knowing Crowley didn’t want him to acknowledge his tears, but still wanting to comfort him.

“What have you fantasised about our future? If you feel comfortable enough to share” Aziraphale asked. He felt like he’d overwhelm Crowley if he continued to talk about all the things he wanted to do with him or _to him._

Crowley began to play with the top button of Aziraphales vest, trying not to think too much about it and just talk. “I always pictured us in a place of our own. Away from heaven and hell, no fear of being watched…A safe place”.

He swallowed hard, his eyes wander over his flat, realising that this place wasn’t it. It wasn’t safe at all but all he had right now, and so he ignored the thought in favour of continuing. “A home, a real one I mean. A big garden for me to torment my plants and a library for all your books. I imagine you sitting on a plush reading chair, a cup of steaming cocoa on the table next to you and a book in your lap. You love your books, but I always hoped that if I came into the room to join you, they didn’t matter anymore. That you’d close the book and put it aside, giving me all your attention and pulling me in for a…”.

“Kiss?” Aziraphale finished for him after Crowley didn’t say more.

A quiet sob came from the Demon as he nodded and Aziraphale felt tears dropping on his shirt. Aziraphale ran one hand up and down Crowleys back while the other began to comb through his red hair. “ _Shh, my dear, It’s alright”._

It was too much and still not nearly enough. Crowley wanted to feel those lips on his for centuries, wondered about their texture and taste. He had imagined kissing Aziraphale so many times already. Sweet kisses, a little peck or a heavy snogging season. He had Aziraphale here, pretty much willing to be kissed and yet he couldn’t.

Fear clutched at his sides, his throat aching in pain from the hard sobs. The emptiness inside him expanded once more, making him feel like he’d explode. The closer they got the more painful will it be if Aziraphale hurt him again and he couldn’t shake this feeling away. He needed air.

He wiggled in Aziraphales grip until the Angel gingerly let him go. He forgot about not wearing his sunglasses and panicked for a moment until he saw, to his relief, that Aziraphale _did_ remember and had closed his eyes.

“I-I just need s-s-some air” he managed to whimper and grabbed his sunglasses, knowing it didn’t matter much to hide anymore but still feeling better with them on. “Y’can look”.

Aziraphale opened his eyes and saw Crowley walking on shaking legs to the nearby window and opening it. A cold breeze flowed in and Crowley took a deep breath, his sobs getting quieter until he’s just sniffling. He left the window open and slowly turned to walk back over to the couch, sitting down next to Aziraphale. A snap of his fingers and two glasses of whiskey appeared on the coffeetable.

They drank in silence for a while, Aziraphale daring to glance over at Crowley every now and then.

“I fucking hate this” Crowley growled, his voice hoarse. He wanted to rub his eyes and knocked against his sunglasses. In his frustration he yanked them off and threw them against the next wall, listening to the glasses shattering.

He felt Aziraphale flinching next to him and turned to face him. This fussy Angel had closed his eyes again as he saw Crowley taking off his sunglasses. Through the haze of pain and hurt, Crowley felt a bit of warmth. “You can open your eyes, Aziraphale. Can’t hide all this anyway”.

Aziraphale did so slowly and a sad smile adorned his lips as they made eye contact. “What happened, Crowley? The things you told me were wonderful and so very endearing, what changed?”.

“You know this feeling when you’re somewhere high up? You spread your wings, ready to fly down, the urge to do it so strong” Crowley sighed deeply, “and then you try it and your wings fail you. All those happy moments of excitement gone, replaced by fear”.

Crowley lifted his gaze, blue meeting gold. “I’m so fucking scared, Aziraphale. I know you’re trying and-and I want this so much, but this feeling always comes back and it haunts me! I don’t want to get hurt anymore…Why won’t it stop?!”. 

The next thing he knew he was wrapped in Aziraphales arms once more, both sobbing as they clung to each other. They stayed like that for God knows how long until both felt calm enough to talk again, holding hands instead of hugging.

“Crowley, please don’t punish yourself on my behalf. The reason you feel this way is _my fault,_ you’re the victim and it pains me to know that such a beautiful and amazing creature as you has to feel this way because of me” Aziraphale said, his voice strong and shaking with tension.

“You’re angry” Crowley noticed and felt uncertain as for the reason.

Aziraphale knew where his mind would wander off to and explained. “At myself, Crowley. I am not angry with you, nothing about any of this is your fault”.

Crowley felt relieved and took a deep breath, gently stroking his thumb over Aziraphales knuckles. Because even through the pain, Crowley felt the need to comfort his best friend. “It’s alright, Angel”.

Aziraphale let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. He pulled their hands closer to him and kissed Crowleys with such a softness and admiration that Crowley felt like fainting.

“I don’t _fucking_ deserve you” Aziraphale said with a last kiss to Crowleys skin before he released his hand.

“Angel!” Crowley remarked on the cussing. “You can’t talk like that!”.

Aziraphale chuckled a bit and shrugged, surprised when Crowley sled closer to him again, bringing his head to his shoulder. “And it’s not true. Or maybe not entirely wrong. I-I think we deserve...each other”.

Carefully Aziraphale brought his arm around the Demon and pulled him closer. “If you say so, my dear”.

The Angel gently laid a hand on Crowleys cheek, slowly turning his face towards his own, their eyes locking on to each other. “I can’t change what happened in the past, no matter how desperately I wish I could, but I promise you that I will work on our future together. I want you to trust me again, to not be scared. You deserve happiness and I will do anything I can to give it to you”.

He leaned forward and for a split-second Crowley thought that he’d try to kiss him and screwed his eyes shut. But those wonderfully soft lips instead hit his forehead and lingered there for a heart-warming moment.

“Next Saturday, I want to prepare something for you. I’m afraid that requires you to leave your flat for a good hour or so. I want to take care of you, show you that this heart of mine is only beating for you…” Aziraphale said then, caressing Crowleys cheek once before he pulled away.

Crowley raised his eyebrows. “You want me to leave my own flat? What exactly are you planning?”.

Aziraphale smiled reassuringly. “I don’t want to spoil anything, I want this to be a surprise. I know you don’t feel comfortable in the bookshop, so I’d like to do this here, if its alright with you”.

Crowley was always curious and liked surprised in general, as long as they’re pleasant ones. “Fine, you can have the flat to yourself for a while. But is there anything I might need to know beforehand?”.

Aziraphale thought about that for a moment and then nodded. “This is a bit embarrassing but how do you feel about nudity?”.

Crowley went bright red once more, a burning in his chest and the emptiness throbbing. “Don’t do that”.

“Do what?” Aziraphale asked, honestly startled by that reaction.

“ _Don’t give me hope”_ he whispered at last, not knowing how else to say it. “I have…other fantasies of us too and if you say nudity…”.

Aziraphale blushed too then, realising that his phrasing might not have been a good choice. “Nothing like that, my dear. You could wear your undergarment, I don’t need to see your…manhood”.

“Just call it a cock, Aziraphale” Crowley laughed then, oddly calm despite the war inside him.

“Well, yes. That” Aziraphale cleared his throat. “I would like to have your legs and upper body bare though. Again, I don’t want to spoil anything, but I want you to feel safe. Let me take care of you”.

Crowley hesitated for a moment but then nodded. While he was still a bit unsure about showing so much skin, he didn’t want to deny Aziraphale. He did have enough trust in his Angel and guessed that whatever Aziraphale planed for him, he knew where Crowley limits were und respected them.


	5. Too Fast Again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale can finally shower Crowley with all the things he deserved from him, but not everything is going according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains sexual content and self-pressure into acts of sexual pleasure.

_The next Saturday_

This is the worst thing Aziraphale had ever experienced. No meeting with the Archangels, cruel humans or loosing a precious book to a customer could even _compare_ to this.

He stared at the closed bedroom door, forced to listen to the cries of his most beloved and wondered how he ended up here.

_Two hours prior_

Aziraphale was bouncing with excitement. Everything was ready, his stomach was fluttering with nervous excitement, all he needed now was for Crowley to return. All week he was playing this evening over and over in his mind, imagined all the things he’d finally be able to do with Crowley.

Said Demon was just exciting his Bentley outside the building. His walk was off, his legs shaking with both excitement and worry. They hadn’t seen each other since their talk, Crowley insisted that he needed to prepare himself for this evening, even though he didn’t know what was coming.

He had _some_ ideas, after all there aren’t too many activities that require to be almost nude. He wondered distantly if he was ready for whatever laid behind his door. If he would ever be ready for anything regarding Aziraphale.

With a start he realised he was standing at his front door, so deep in thoughts that he didn’t even know how he made it up here. With a groan he combed his hands through his hair. “I trust him, no need to worry…”.

He didn’t even believe himself.

How strange is it to knock on ones own door? Did he need to knock? Should he just enter? But he knocked already, why does he worry so much about a damn door?!

Aziraphale opened it then, a bright smile on his lips, calming Crowleys nerves immediately, if only a little bit. “Crowley, welcome back!”.

Aziraphale new he was overly excited but he just couldn’t hold it in anymore, though he tried his best.

Crowley entered his flat, another shiver of nervousness ran down his spine as Aziraphale closed the door behind him and gently helped him out of his coat. He looked around a bit, but nothing looked different. What he did notice though was a new smell. It was faint but enough to stir Crowleys curiosity.

“Are you ready, my dear?” Aziraphale gently took his hand in his, bringing it to his lips for a little peck.

Crowleys lips moved up into a smile, despite his anxiety. “I-I think so?”.

Aziraphale returned that smile and began to guide Crowley towards his surprise. The worry in Crowleys chest came rushing back for a moment when Aziraphale led him towards the bedroom, his step faltering. And then he saw it.

Aziraphale let go of his hand, giving him the chance to go at his own pace. Crowley stared at the path of rose pedals. Red, white and orange leading a path towards his bathroom. In the lonely days of his life, he sometimes enjoyed watching a few romance movies. This was such a cliché and while he watched the movies, Crowley couldn’t see the appeal of a few pedals from now dead plants. But now that it was _him_ who received this, his heart skipped a beat.

But that wasn’t it. This was just the first taste of this evening, the main dish was still waiting for him. With steps that were far too controlled for him he walked over to the bathroom and dared to look inside, feeling warmth coming from both the room and Aziraphale behind him.

Crowley had a big bathroom, but it was definitely miracled to be even larger now. The whole room was dimly lit by candles and Crowley realised the nice smell was coming from them. It’s a mix of tropical fruits and citrus. And it had some new furnishing too; A big bathtub and some sort of massaging table, by Crowleys best guess anyway. It looked a bit weird, since it had two long arms, one on either side and although he did indeed have quite long arms, he doubted they were _that_ long.

He jumped a little when Aziraphale laid his hand on his shoulder, pulling him back from these thoughts about long arms. “Are you alright?”.

“Nhk-Er-Yeah” he stammered, feeling a little overwhelmed but deeply grateful for the effort Aziraphale had put into this.

Together they stepped inside and Aziraphale took hold of his hands as he came to stand before him. “I want you to try and not think too much about anything. This evening is for you to relax, I’ll take care of you, alright?”.

There was so much tenderness pooled in those blue eyes that Crowleys breath hiccup as he nodded, his voice wavering from the rush of emotions. “I-I’ll do my best…Thank you”.

Aziraphale reached up and gently caressed his cheek. “We didn’t even start, my dear, and you’re already thanking me?”.

The Angel chuckled lightly before he instructed Crowley. “Now Crowley, I need you to undress. As we talked about it before you can undress as much as you’re comfortable with, I won’t judge on whatever you decide. The only thing that I’d like to insist upon removing is this”.

Aziraphale brushed his thumb over the bracelet he made. “It protects you against Angels, I made it with the prospect of you being safe when I’m not around. But I am here now and I want to show you that you are _safe_ with me. Both physically and mentally”.

“Yeah alright, Angel” Crowley couldn’t help his grin. The picture of Aziraphale fighting against heaven to protect _him, a Demon!_ That would be a sight.

“Good, I’ll leave you to it” Aziraphale smiled and left the room, giving Crowley the chance to undress in peace.

Undress as much as you’re comfortable with. Now that was a hell of a question. Crowley liked his body. It was slim but strong, he liked his angular face and his fiery hair. If it wasn’t for the standards of society, Crowley probably wouldn’t have a problem with ripping his clothes off in public. But this was intimate. It was in his flat, his _home,_ his bathroom. And Aziraphale would see him.

“This is ridiculous, you’re ridiculous” he pointed at his reflection in the mirror. They had seen each other naked before, why was he acting difficult now? To be fair it was almost 2000 years since the roman baths. He took a deep breath, inhaling that nice smell again and calmed down. Aziraphale told him not to think too much and he’d be damned again if he not tried.

The first thing he did was remove the bracelet and gently laying it down on the sink. He half expected Gabriel or Michael to storm in as soon as he’d put it down. Next came his glasses. They would only be getting in the way of things anyway. His top, pants, shoes and socks followed suit, leaving him in his underwear, simple black shorts. He just couldn’t take _that_ step yet.

A last check in the mirror before he called out for Aziraphale, his arms coming around to hug his torso shyly, cheeks turning pink.

Aziraphale opened the door and stepped inside the warmth of the bathroom. He too had undressed a bit, wearing his pants and only his white armless undershirt, and for a long moment they just stared at each other.

Crowley followed the curve of Aziraphales body with his eyes, admiring his softness and the patch of blonde curls on his chest that peaked out from under the shirt. And could that be love handles on his hips?

Aziraphale meanwhile was breathless from this beautiful being standing in front of him. It was a shame that Crowley had his arms around him, hiding his lean form. He was mesmerized by the movement of his muscles as he breathed, the Demon is beauty itself. He felt honoured that Crowley trusted him enough to allow him this evening. But he didn’t matter now, everything is for Crowley.

Slowly he reached out a hand, smiling softly when Crowley took it and allowed him to be led towards the bathtub.

“What’s all this, Angel?” Crowley asked, eyeing the water that had a soft orange shade. A few rose pedals floated on the surface, along with one rubber duck.

“The human that sold me the products said that its good for your skin and that it has a warming effect. Come on and get in, dear” Aziraphale helped him into the tub, kissing both of his hands before he took a small step back, letting Crowley sink into the water.

Crowley did so with a soft hiss. The water felt good, just the heat he liked best, and he wondered if its just a coincidence or if Aziraphale knew him that well. He dived under for a moment to wet his hair too and when he reappeared, Aziraphale had taken a seat on the edge of the tub next to him.

“Your clothes are gonna get wet” Crowley pointed out, knowing they were important to the Angel.

But Aziraphale just shrugged. “I don’t care. I’m here to help you relax and my clothing getting wet won’t change that”.

 _I’m more important than his clothes,_ Crowley thought to himself, a feeling of strange satisfaction settling on him. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it was still nice to hear.

“Feeling nice and warm?” Aziraphale asked after a few minutes and continued with his plan when Crowley nodded. “Close your eyes and let me spoil you”.

The Demon did as asked and listened carefully for whatever Aziraphale was doing. He heard a bottle being opened and was then treated to a soft sponge gliding over his back and shoulders. Aziraphale began to hum a melody and Crowley relaxed more and more into the sensation.

“You have lovely freckles on your shoulders, did you know that?” Aziraphale moved from his back towards his chest, gently rubbing the skin.

Crowley opened his eyes, feeling at peace despite being so exposed. “Didn’t call em’ lovely but yeah”.

Aziraphale playfully tapped the sponge on the tip of Crowleys nose, laughing as Crowley flicked a bit water at him as revenge.

“You know Crowley, this is even better than I ever imagined” Aziraphale admitted, moving from his chest to his arms.

“Did you, er, imagine this often?” Crowley looked up at those blue eyes.

Aziraphale took that chance to press his lips on Crowleys forehead, a quiet sigh leaving his throat. “Actually yes. You have done so much for me over the years, it’s only right that I return that kindness. And don’t give me that look Crowley, you _are_ kind in my eyes”.

Crowley pouted anyway but it was only half hearted. “You’re lucky I like you”.

“Agreed” Aziraphale smiled, washing off the soap and moving down the tub. “Dear, would you allow me to wash your feet?”.

Crowley sunk further into the water until his flustered red cheeks were fully enveloped by it. The Angel had just washed his chest but his feet felt oddly more intimate. Try not to think too much. Slowly he raised his right leg out of the water, closing his eyes against the wave of emotions that crashed into him as Aziraphale held his foot.

The sponge returned and Aziraphale gave the limb the same attention his torso had received. “I completely forgot about the scales on your foot dear”.

As a matter of fact, so did Crowley. His first instinct was to hide and he pulled his leg back into the water. He cracked his eyes open, looking at Aziraphales worried expression.

“Are you embarrassed about them?” it was quite obvious, he knew, but Aziraphale asked anyway.

Crowley pushed his head up all the way. “Y-Yeah…don’t like em’”.

“I’m sorry you feel that way dear, but I can’t fandom why” Aziraphales smile was so comforting. “I like your snake form. You have the most beautiful scales, I remember how fascinated I was back in Eden as I watched you slither around, your body moving so gracious. You have, by far, the most gorgeous familiar!”.

Crowley just _had_ to roll his eyes at that. “That’s not hard, Aziraphale. Between Hasturs blob of a frog or Beelzebubs flies, it isn’t much of a choice”.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes too. “Still, my point stands. I adore you, in every form you choose to take. Would you allow me to continue with your other leg now?”.

Hesitantly Crowley lifted his left leg and Aziraphale gave it the same treatment the rest of his body had earned. As if to prof his point he leaned down and kissed the scales on Crowleys feet and the Demon felt his stomach fluttering, the emptiness filling a little bit more.

Aziraphale moved up again and sat down behind Crowley this time. “Could you tilt you head back?”.

Crowley did so and smiled up at his Angel, already knowing where this was going. Aziraphale cupped some water in his hand and let it run over Crowleys hair, going out of his way to make sure that none of it got into his eyes. Then he grabbed the Shampoo, pouring a generous amount into his palm and then began to work it into that magnificent hair.

Crowley groaned before he could stop himself. The feeling of those fingers massaging his scalp, scratching and tugging slightly, it loosened the tension from this week and Crowley felt perfectly fine with falling asleep like this.

“You seem to like this as much as I do” Aziraphale whispered into the space between them. “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself”.

Oh yes, Crowley was enjoying this. Warm water was poured into his hair once again, washing out the shampoo and then working in the conditioner.

“You’d make a good hairdresser…or I guess hairwasher?” Crowley mumbled with a light chuckle. “Don’t think you’d be good with cuttin’ hair”.

Aziraphale returned that chuckle, savouring the feeling of those soft strains of hair against his hands. “You should know, Crowley, that I wouldn’t do this for anyone else”.

“Fuckin’ hope so” was all Crowley said to that, although his mind was filled with pride. No one else would ever have the feeling of his Angels fingers in their hair, it’s all for him.

Aziraphale washed his hair out one more time, finishing the treatment with a kiss to his head. “I’ll let you bask for a few minutes. Would you like some wine?”.

“What kind of question is that?” Crowley laughed, gladly accepting the glass as Aziraphale handed it to him.

“How are you feeling so far?” Aziraphale asked and took another sip of wine. Since Crowley liked it, he resumed to petting his hair with his free hand.

Crowley leaned into the touch, savouring the taste of the red liquid in his mouth before swallowing it down, feeling it burn against the walls of his throat pleasantly. “Surprisingly calm”.

It wasn’t a total lie. He _was_ calm and enjoyed himself, but he knew it was only because he forced himself to be that way. He didn’t want to acknowledge the fear that hid in the shadows of his mind, just waiting for an opportunity to strike again. He just wanted to feel _good._

Aziraphales hand came to a stop before he hesitantly continued. “Were you…afraid of tonight?”.

“Honestly?” Crowley took another sip of wine, “I was. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but I had a few sleepless nights from it”.

“And yet again I’m sorry to be the reason for it” the Angel apologized, ignoring the fact that neither of them required sleep in the first place. “But are you afraid now?”.

Crowley closed his eyes, trying to focus on his emotional state, still ignoring the darkest parts of it. “I wouldn’t call it ‘afraid’. I guess…nervous uncertainty?”.

He let out a sigh and reached for Aziraphales hand, still in his hair, and pulled it to his front to press a soft kiss to the pulse point of his wrist. Aziraphale shivered at the contact and Goosebumps erupted to cover his entire arm. Crowley felt oddly proud to be the reason for that reaction. “I’m trying to ignore my worries because I want to focus on this. I-I like tonight so far and…I don’t want it to end”.

Aziraphale had to clear his throat to calm himself from this gentle act of endearment. “Well, we’re not done yet. Let’s take our time to finish our wine and then we shall continue”.

Crowley opened his eyes again, daring to make eye contact. Aziraphales breath hitched when he saw the serpents eyes. Liquid gold, a warm pool that had overtaken all the white, pupils blown wide and as he stared at them, he could see little bright spots. Dancing over the darkness like the stars that hung on the night sky. There was so much he wanted to say about them, but he kept quiet for now, knowing Crowley is self-conscious about them and afraid that he might say something wrong.

Crowley, too, did stare. Aziraphales eyes were always beautiful but tonight it was even more apparent. An ocean of blue and grey, bright like the sun and so full of… _love._ It scared him that he admits to that feeling, even in his head, but it was also a sort of relief. If he looked deep into the black pit of the Angels pupils, he could see the fire of a principality burning inside. As a Demon, Crowley should be afraid, terrified even. Aziraphale was a protector, a _guardian._ He thought about the bracelet and a small smile came over his lips, realizing that Aziraphale was no longer the guardian of the eastern Gate of Eden, but the guardian of Anthony J. Crowley.

Their staring contest ended when both emptied their wine into their mouth. The water was turning a little cold and Aziraphale was eager to move on to the next step of his plan. “Ready to step out?”.

Crowley nodded and got up, his legs feeling like jelly and his head swimming a little. Aziraphale held his hands again as he stepped out of the tub, but his legs weren’t quite ready yet to stand properly and so, he involuntarily stumbled and was then caught by Aziraphale, who hugged him.

“Easy there, my dear! Are you alright?” the Angel held him tighter, steadying him.

Crowley was dripping wet, basically drowning the Angel along with his clothes in water, but Aziraphale didn’t skip a beat to look out for his wellbeing.

“Ngk! Y-Yeah, sssorry” he was so caught off guard that his hiss slipped out and he tried to ignore the wave of anxiety that hit him.

Aziraphale made sure to hold Crowley until he was able to stand by himself again and snapped his fingers, not even looking down at his wet clothing. A white, fluffy and warm towel appeared in Aziraphales hands and he began to dry his Demon off, starting with his hair. Then he moved to his face, down his neck and chest, moving on to his arms, then slipping behind him to dry his back. At last he went to his knees and dried Crowleys long legs, making sure to not go near his clothed groin.

When the Angel got up again, he snapped his fingers once more to dry Crowleys shorts and his own attire. This whole process was overwhelmingly tender for Crowley. He had never had such a treatment before, no one has ever done something like this for him and he felt the need for more.

Feeling a bit more confident, he dared to tease. “Too bad. You could have won a wet T-Shirt contest, Angel”.

Aziraphale grinned at him, smacking him lightly with the towel. “Flattering. But to win I’d have to show myself like this to humans. And there is only one being in all her creation that I want to see me in such a state”.

They exchanged a knowing smile before Aziraphale led Crowley towards the massaging bed, instructing him to lay down on his back. “Crowley, it is important that you’re honest with me here. This part requires firm skin-to-skin contact and if its too much for you, I want you to tell me. Its perfectly fine if you want to stop or take a break. Will you do that for me?”.

“Yes” Crowley promised then, trying to make himself comfortable. He still wasn’t sure what those long arm-like extensions on either side were supposed to be for but decided to wait until Aziraphale would eventually tell him.

Aziraphale turned his back to Crowley, looking over his supplies. “I need you to choose an oil, my dear. Would you like ‘French Lavender’, ‘Sensual Jasmine’ or ‘Soft Cherry’?”.

Crowley let the names run over his mind. Since the Raine of terror, Crowley had a bit of a grouch with the French, so ‘French Lavender’ was out. Cherries also didn’t lie well with him, since he had the vivid memory of chocking on their kernels in the early days of their existence. He _did_ like Jasmines though.

“Sensual Jasmine, please” Crowley answered, and he heard Aziraphale pop the bottle open and his body shuttered from the sound. He never received a massage before, it just didn’t seem like a pleasant idea to be kneaded like dough by human hands. By certain _angelic_ hands on the other hand…

Aziraphale turned back around to face him, rubbing his palms together to warm the oil up. “Close your eyes and just try to relax, okay?”.

Crowley took a deep breath before shutting his eyes closed and waiting tensely for the first contact. He felt warm hands sliding over his torso, down to his abdomen and back up in confident and firm movements, spreading the oil. Crowley good a nose full of the nice smell and hummed, pleasant with his choice of oil.

He stifled a gasp when Aziraphale brushed over his nipples and then began to gently work on loosening his muscles. Crowley rarely acknowledged most parts of his corperation. It is like a suit, a warm place for his essence to nest itself in and it was a necessity for living among humans. Now however, he let himself feel his muscles and almost groaned in discomfort as a few centuries worth of stress and bad sitting habits came crashing down.

But here was Aziraphale, already moving on to his right arm to knead the tension away, with great success. Crowley was astonished by how precisely Aziraphale was working, how he attended to each digit of his hand, rubbing his palm and wrist with gently pressure, making his joints crackle every now and then.

When Aziraphale moved on to his left arm to give it the same attention, Crowley cracked an eye open, studying the Angels concentrated expression. He wore a similar expression while reading or restoring a book and Crowley felt comforted by the familiarity.

Crowley grew curious, and a bit of unnecessary jealously. “Say, where did you learn those techniques? And why?”.

Aziraphale sighed and Crowley watched a blush form on angelic cheeks. “I think it was around the 1980s. I went to a few lessons to learn how to massage, saying it was for medical reasons so I could give comfort when I wasn’t allowed to use a miracle…”.

His hands stopped for a moment before he resumed his work. “…It’s not entirely a lie. But it’s mostly what I’ve been telling myself, too much of a coward to admit I wanted to learn this art for the slight chance I could use it on you one day”.

“You’re not a coward” Crowley protested, his belly feeling warm with affection from that confession. “A coward wouldn’t tell an Archangel to fuck off or stare the Devil dead in the eyes and refuse to move. You fought to save the world, Angel. You’re brave”.

 _And yet it had taken me hundreds of years and so much pain on your behalf for me to admit to my feelings,_ Aziraphale thought to himself but didn’t say anything, not wanting to bring down the mood. “Thank you, Crowley”.

Aziraphale moved down to those long legs, working over the strong thighs down to Crowleys calves and then feet. As he pressed the pads of his thumbs to the sole of Crowleys right foot, he noticed a few scars and stared at them for a moment until it hit him. 1941, a few Nazis, an angelic fool and one Demon, skipping down the aisle of the church, hissing in pain but determent to safe Aziraphale.

Crowley frowned, opened his eyes and pushed himself to his elbows when Aziraphale didn’t continue for a while, tilting his head slightly to the left when he saw his Angel staring at his feet. “Is everything alright?”.

Aziraphale jerked up when he heard the concerned tone and cleared his throat, continuing to rub Crowleys foot. “Y-Yes, sorry. Tickety-Boo, I assure you”.

Crowley scoffed at the words ‘Tickety-Boo’, remembering the last time Aziraphale had used them. “Come on, Angel. You’re making my a little edgy”.

“I’m sorry for that” Aziraphale went on to the left foot, “I just saw the scars on your feet, didn’t notice them before”.

“Do they bother you?” Crowley already pulled his leg back but Aziraphale held on.

“No, it’s not that. I just admire you for walking over consecrated ground to help me. We haven’t had the most pleasant conversation the last time we saw each other, and you had every right to let me discorporate for my foolishness. And yet you came” Aziraphale looked up to meet Crowleys intense gaze. “That was the night I truly admitted my feelings to myself. I knew they were there for a very long time of course, but…”.

“I get it” Crowley smiled softly, forcing himself not to think of what had happened after that in 1967. “I don’t mind the scars. Holy and all that, I couldn’t heal them with demonic influence anyway. I hope you know that I would do anything to protect you”.

Aziraphale nodded, blinking away the tears that wanted to stream down his face. “I know, believe me I know”.

The Angel gently wiped his thumb over the scars one last time before he asked Crowley to turn around and lay on his stomach. After Crowley got comfortable, Aziraphale placed his left hand between his shoulder blades. “Do you feel comfortable enough to show me your wings?”.

There was a slight hesitation but eventually they unfurled with all their silky black feathers, stretching out and Aziraphale gently guided them down to rest on the arms of the massaging bed.

“Ah, I was wondering what those were for” Crowley chuckled, breathing deeply at the cosy position. Aziraphale might have hurt his feelings in the past, but Crowley knew that his wings were safe in the Angels care. After all, they had helped grooming each other before, not fairly often he had to admit, but maybe that will change in the future.

Again, Aziraphale spread the oil over the skin before he started to work it in. He started with the Demons neck, then his shoulder to which he payed some special attention to the place where the base of the wings met Crowleys back, knowing that those muscle groups are often those that hurt most.

It seems like he was right, as Crowley let out a relieved groan that almost turned into a moan at the end. “ _Fuck,_ that feels good”.

“Language, my dear” Aziraphale chuckled half-heartedly and moved on down Crowleys back along his spine and then down his sides. He was delighted to find out that Crowley was slightly ticklish there.

Crowley was already melting into the soft bedding at that point, feeling a pleasant tingle all over his body. And then Aziraphale began to massage his wings. The moan that came as a response was not intentional and Crowley hid his flushed face in the crook of his elbows.

Aziraphale worked on without a comment about the sounds Crowley was making, secretly very proud of himself. Maybe even a bit smug.

After massaging the flesh, he went on to the feathers. Crowley always held his wings in tip-top condition, within his abilities, so there wasn’t much grooming to be done. But Aziraphale coated them with the oil, rubbing it in gently and then daring to kiss a few of them before moving on to the other wing to do the same.

Crowley meanwhile was getting hotter and hotter. He couldn’t remember this ever feeling this intense. Heat pooled in his stomach and he unconsciously started to rub his hip, or more specially his groin, a bit against the massaging table. The movement was subtle and Aziraphale didn’t notice, he also didn’t think too much about the increasingly louder sounds Crowley was making.

At one point Aziraphale was satisfied with his work. Crowley was practically boneless and content and he considered tonight to be a success. He went to the sink and washed his hands, letting Crowley bask for a few moments.

After about five minutes he went to the head of the table and softly kissed Crowleys hair. “My dear, that’s all I had planned for tonight. You can put your wings away and then we can discuss what else we might do now”.

Crowley registered the voice and shuttered as he pulled his wings back into the ether. With them gone, his brain snapped back to what was going on and his hips stilled immediately. His heartbeat was increasing to a speed that is humanly impossible and his breathing got ragged as he began to panic. He had an erection.

How the fuck did that happen?! Why did it happen?! Never had he gotten hard from getting his wings touch before, neither by Aziraphales or his own hand. What was he supposed to do?!

His first though was to miracle it away. But that would _definitely_ attract attention from hell and they really didn’t need that right now. Worse case would be Asmodeus himself showing up at his doorstep.

Should he tell Aziraphale? And then what?! He can’t jerk himself off, knowing that Aziraphale was in his flat and _knowing_ what he was doing no less.

But he also couldn’t just lie here!

“Crowley? Crowley are you alright?! You’re shaking” Aziraphale worried above him and started to comb through his hair, which only intensified his need for pleasure. “Come on, I’ll help you up”.

“No!” Crowley groaned in embarrassment. “I-I can’t get up. I have a-a problem”.

Aziraphales concern grew even bigger and he looked over Crowley trembling body, trying to detect what was bothering him. “What is it? I’ll help you, just tell me”.

“I-I…” Crowley felt another jolt of pleasure as Aziraphale petted his hair. “I’m…hard. Downstairs, I mean…you know”.

Aziraphales hand stilled for a moment as he tried to decipher what Crowley meant by ‘being hard downstairs’. But then he saw the subtle movement of Crowleys narrow hips, having started again to ease the ache. “O-Oh”.

“This is fucking humiliating” Crowley moaned into his arms, not wanting to look up at his Angel.

Said Angels mind was racing, the wheels turning. He didn’t have much experience with this topic, he never had a partner to do anything sexually, never wanted someone that wasn’t Crowley. He could help with it, though. He wanted to take care of Crowley, that includes his needs too. Would he push too far if he asked? Would Crowley want it?

He had spent many years never saying the things he wanted to say. But right now, Crowley seemed to need him. “I could help you with that”.

Crowley stilled and reluctantly raised his head to look at Aziraphale. “What?”.

“You can say no, of course. I know this is embarrassing for you and that this might come a bit fast. But if you allow me to help you, I will take care of your problem” Aziraphale offered, an equally strong blush painting his face red as Crowley was already sporting.

“Y-You want us t-to…fuck?” Crowley whined then, feeling lightheaded.

“Not exactly” Aziraphale intervened, “I would use my hand, if that’s alright”.

Crowley felt sweat built up on his forehead and swallowed. He was scarred. This would be very intimate, and he didn’t know if he was ready for it.

Temptations are a complex matter. Sometimes you need years to get to your goal, sometimes you’d have to try again and again, or do some dirty work to lead the humans to sin. But sometimes all it needs was a whisper, an idea put in someone’s mind and left there to manifest.

And Crowley heard a whisper just then, all the way in the back of his mind. _This might be your only chance._

“Yes” He answered, his voice hoarse but clear. “Yeah, I-I want that”.

They both just looked at one another for a few second before Aziraphale held out his hand, smiling reassuringly. “Alright. If you’re sure, then I’ll take you to bed now”.

Crowley nodded, his hand shaking as he grabbed onto Aziraphales and sat up. He didn’t miss the brief glance to his groin, Aziraphale looking at the tent that had built in his shorts. Crowley wanted to push on before his nerves got the better of him and tugged Aziraphale towards the bedroom.

It was oddly quiet in the flat. It shouldn’t be unusual and yet right now it made Crowleys head swim. But he hid it, locking it away deep down because he wanted to have this moment with Aziraphale.

Aziraphale climbed onto the bed and sat with his back leaned against the headboard and opened his arms for Crowley. Cuddling, that would help him ease his mind, yes. Good. Fine. Tickety-Fucking-Boo.

Aziraphale wrapped him in his arms, squeezing him once before he began to pet his hair again. “Are you really sure, my dear?”.

No. “Yeah, I am” he said instead. Crowley settled into Aziraphales soft side and hid his face in Aziraphales chest, inhaling his scent.

“We stop anytime you want, I promise” Aziraphale kissed the top of his head. “Just relax and let me take care of you”.

Aziraphale began to softly stroke up and down Crowleys back and side, like he had done many times before, listening to Crowleys shuddering breath. He briefly brushed over the Demons nipples and he gasped at the contact, his hips moving again, desperate for friction. After a few minutes he began to lower his hand, letting it slide down Crowleys chest towards his intimate area.

He didn’t slide inside the shorts yet. Instead he cupped Crowleys cock with his hand over the fabric, feeling it throbbing, all the while Crowley moaned his name. And if that wasn’t the most incredible sound he had ever head.

He slowly rubbed along the outline of Crowleys cock, letting him get used to the sensation before he finally did slide his hand underneath the shorts. At the first skin on sensitive skin contact both let out a gasp and Crowley followed his up with a deep groan and a slow roll of his hips.

“ _More”_ he whimpered against his Angels throat.

Aziraphale complied and wrapped his hand around the shaft and starting to stroke it. Crowley thrusted into his fist, his hands clinging onto Aziraphales shirt like it was his lifeline. They started a rhythm together, Crowley edging Aziraphale on with his moans and please for more.

Aziraphale felt his heart skipping a beat. He was happy, Crowley felt good because of him. Crowley _trusted_ him to give him this pleasure, he bared himself to him. Things would be better from now on, he can tell him that he loves him when they’re done!

Crowley was good with hiding. He had hidden his pain from Aziraphale for 6000 years and he can certainly do so again for tonight. His mind was overflowing with pleasure, he couldn’t even tell what sounds left his mind anymore. It felt so good and yet so very _wrong._

Pain and pleasure mixing together, making everything fuzzy around him, his head spinning. He couldn’t breathe. He was drowning, something was pulling him down into the depts of the ocean and his body fought for air _that it didn’t need but desperately wanted anyway!_

The emptiness inside him was throbbing, filling higher and higher but not with love but with the poison that drowned him. It was too much and yet he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t talk. A part of him was calling out for Aziraphale, to help him, to pull him out of the water again. And yet while his mind was screaming, his body still fucked into Aziraphales fist.

 _After this, he will leave you again._ The whisper was back.

The emptiness was overflowing, spilling over and as his orgasm ripped through his body, he let out a deep sob, tears spilling and rolling down his cheeks as he spasmed and convulsed in Aziraphales loving embrace.

The Angel in question was only able to detect that something was wrong when he heard the sob and felt the wetness that formed on his chest. “Crowley?!”.

He pulled away and hovered over Crowley, trying to see what’s going on. “Oh lord, you’re crying! What’s wrong?!”.

He grabbed the blanked and wrapped Crowley inside, the Demon pulling it closer around himself as he sobbed into the fabric.

“Crowley! Talk to me, please!” Aziraphale pleaded with him, feeling his heart beating up to his throat.

“ _Leave”._

“What?” Aziraphale whispered.

“Leave me the fuck alone! Fuck off!” Crowley yelled, not looking at him.

Aziraphale stared at him. “I won’t leave you like this! Cro-“.

“LEAVE!!” The scream was threatening to make Aziraphales ears bleed and he got up from the bed.

“Fine. I give you some space, but I will NOT leave this flat with you in this state!” Aziraphale said firmly before he stepped out of the bedroom into the dark hallway.

Behind him the door was shut immediately and he heard the klick of the lock being turned, demonic energy radiating from the door. That means that Aziraphale probably won’t be able to open it, even with a miracle.

But that didn’t matter, because Aziraphale will not leave this flat until he had fixed what he did wrong, even though he didn’t know what had happened.

Now he had to wait.


	6. After The Storm Comes A Rainbow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the disaster the night before, they sit down and talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two quick things before you begin reading :)  
> 1: Thank you all so much for your support, kudos and comments! It's very much apprechiated!  
> 2: I'm going on a weekend trip, starting on friday. I'll try and write the next Chapter until thursday but if you don't here from me until then, I'm afraid you'll have to wait until next week. 
> 
> That's all from me, I hope you enjoy :D

Crowley buried himself in the blanket, his fingers trembling as he snapped the door closed and locked. Breathing was a little easier once he was alone.

A part of him was smugly satisfied, a sense of “I told you so”, when Aziraphale did leave him. But his more rationally thinking part knew that he only left because Crowley told him to do so. He had never talked to Aziraphale like this, had never told him to “Fuck off” and he was angry at himself for saying something so vulgar towards the being he loved. He knew he wasn’t thinking clearly but that didn’t change a fucking thing for him.

He curled into himself, sighing. He still felt Aziraphales presence near him, telling him he didn’t leave the flat, just like he had told him. If Aziraphale _did_ push him away again now, it would be his own fault and it just made everything feel worse.

Aziraphale still stared at the door, letting the scene play over and over in his mind. His first thought was that maybe his…technique that he used didn’t appeal to Crowleys needs. But Crowley sounded like he was enjoying his touch and he moved his hips, seeking for friction too. Aziraphale didn’t want to sound cocky or anything but he was sure that his method on pleasuring Crowley wasn’t the problem.

Did Crowley tell him to stop? Maybe he didn’t hear it or something? But that also seemed unlikely, since in their positions, Aziraphales ears were close enough to Crowleys mouth that he should have been able heard it. Plus, angelic hearing is rather sensitive and all he heard were moans and softly breathed pleas for _more_.

Crowley had voiced his consent before, hadn’t he? Did he read the situation wrong? Maybe Crowley changed his mind during the act but couldn’t voice it for some reason? Or maybe Crowley didn’t want it from the very start but said ‘yes’ anyway? But why would he do that?

If he continued like this his head will hurt. He sighed and pressed his forehead against the door for a moment before he walked away. Crowley won’t open it any time soon, he was sure.

The Principality caught a glimpse of greenery and decided to head towards Crowleys plants. Said plants reached their leaves towards him as soon as he entered the room, seeking out the touch of an Angel. “My, he certainly knows how to take care of you, doesn’t he? You all look fabulous, positively beautiful”.

If plants could blush like humans could, they would right now. Instead the words from Aziraphale caused a few of them to spontaneously bloom, beautiful blossoms erupting around him.

Aziraphale covered his mouth with one of his hands, not expecting to have such an effect on them. “Oh dear. I hope Crowley doesn’t get mad at me…or rather even more than he already is”.

At the mention of Crowley, a few plants seemed to realize that their new accessories might not be welcomed by their demonic master and promptly got back into line, their blossoms slowly disappearing.

Aziraphale let out a relieved sigh and his eyes wandered over them, coming to rest on the little apple tree. He approached it with a smile. “Hello, my dear. Do you like your new home? Way better than my dark bookshop, am I right?”.

The leaves rustled a little as an answer and Aziraphale gently let his fingers stroke over them. He took a closer look and saw little buds forming and gasped. “In all the years of having you, you never grew any fruits! Oh, isn’t this exciting? I was beginning to think that you somehow weren’t able to grow apples, you know. Now you just concentrate on creating and growing, all right? Crowley will help you flourish, I’m sure”.

He smiled sadly at himself, remembering the hug he had received when he had gifted Crowley the tree. And now he was locked out of the bedroom, his darling Demon crying alone.

A few hours later, which he had spent talking to the plants and then miracling over a book to read, Aziraphale returned to the still closed door, after building up enough courage.

Crowley had tried to fall asleep. He just wanted this to end, to have a few hours in which he could rest, the world gone, swallowed by the endless darkness of sleep. But that didn’t seem like an option for him, sleep was denied, no matter how much he tried to force it.

That’s when he heard the footsteps approaching and then the knock on the door.

“Crowley? I just wanted to know if you’re feeling better. Do you need something? I’m…still here for you” Aziraphales voice came from the other side, filled with concern but so sincere that it made Crowleys eyes all tearful again.

He had calmed down, yes, but wasn’t better, really. All he was now is tired. Tired of being scared, tired of crying…just tired of everything. The Demon took a deep breath and tried not to think about it and just do what he felt like was what he needed right now. Which turns out to be Aziraphale.

He knew he didn’t deserve him, this fussy, soft, considerate and kind Angel. But in the deepest pit of his soul, there was a small drop of hope, still trying to light up the darkness inside of him. It was a whisper of a different sort then; _let him in, this Angel of yours, it will be okay._

Said Angel was a bit startled to hear the lock click again, announcing that it was open for him once more. He swallowed down a lump in his throat before he slowly pressed it open and taking a step into the dark room. On the bed, still laying like he had left him, was Crowley. His heart ached with the need to comfort him, to hold him and tell him that he’s sorry for whatever he had done. He could tell that Crowley was looking at him, saw the faint glint of his golden eyes that shined through the gloomy bedroom.

Crowleys voice was muffled by the blanket but still loud enough to be heard. “ _Can you hold me?_ ”.

Of all the things to say, Aziraphale didn’t expect that at all. He hesitated to approach him. “Crowley, you literally told me to ‘fuck off’ before. What happened, what did I do wrong?”.

A deep sob. “ _Please,_ I can’t sssleep l-like this”.

Aziraphale wanted to argue further. He can’t just ignore the issue at hand like that, felt the need to clarify those mixed signals Crowley was sending him. “Crowley, what’s wrong?”.

“ _Please Angel!”_ Crowley cried out, his body beginning to shake again. He couldn’t take arguing right now, he just wanted to fall asleep in Aziraphales arms. “I-I know things a-are bad but I just-I just can’t…I can’t-“.

He gave up on trying to end that sentence, not really knowing how to end it anyway. I can’t deal with being alone, I can’t stand myself, I can’t tell you the dark thoughts that haunt me, will probably haunt me for the rest of eternity. Yes, those were some accurate options.

“Alright” he finally gave in, turning around to close the door. “But we’ll talk in the morning”.

It wasn’t a question, both knew. Aziraphale made a habit to not forced Crowley into anything, but he had to make an exception on this one.

Crowley knew there wasn’t a way around it and in a way, he didn’t want to avoid the conversation. He just wasn’t ready for that talk _now_ and Aziraphale seemed to realize this too.

A snap later and Aziraphale was dressed in a soft tartan pyjama and was slowly walking over to the bed. He settled down behind Crowley, making himself comfortable. “Come here, my dear”.

Aziraphale pulled Crowley towards him, his soft front pressed flush against his back. Strong arms holding him in a protective embrace. He felt Aziraphales breath against his neck and then soft kisses all over the skin there, making him sigh, already feeling like a weight was lifted from him.

The air around them shifted and white wings sprang free from Aziraphales back, one coming around to cover Crowley like a blanket, hiding and protecting him from the rest of the world. The glint of hope whispered once more; _This is were you belong._

It was a nice thought, but still one he couldn’t to believe just yet.

“I’ve got you” Aziraphale whispered, starting to gently comb a hand through his hair. “You shall sleep soundly, dreaming about whatever you like best”.

“You” Crowley murmured as his eyelids grew heavier, closing his eyes as the soothing powers of his Angel guided him off to sleep.

The next time he awoke, the sun was up, and he was still covered by Aziraphales wing and held in his arms. He stirred a little, expecting Aziraphale to either let him go or say something. But all that came was a soft mumble before his breathing evened out again. It sounded oddly close to sleeping.

Crowley carefully turned himself around in Aziraphales arms until he could see his face and was surprised to see that he was indeed asleep. He never saw him sleep before and it made him feel guilty. Aziraphale must have been exhausted because of him, no wonder he slept now. He dared to press an apologetic kiss on his cheek.

It was tempting to just stay here forever, sleep until the building itself was crumbling apart beneath them from old age. Until the last star lost its light, until all they had worked for to save was gone, nothing but them left in the vast space of the universe. But he knew that this wouldn’t be a life they’d enjoy for long.

With slow and precise movements, that only a snake-like Demon could muster, he wiggled himself free without disturbing the sleeping Angel. He looked so cute and peaceful, it would be a shame to wake him up. Plus; He deserved some rest after the shit Crowley had put him through.

To Crowleys horror, his abdomen was itching from his spend, all dried up and crusty. He never felt so disgusting before! He had totally forgotten about it, too focused on not discorporating from sheer panic alone. He went into the bathroom and winced when he saw the state it was in.

The candles are all burnt down, the rose pedals dried out and crumbling, a lonely duck still floating in the bathtub and the massaging bed still standing. It felt so warm before but now it was ice cold. It was going so well yesterday, he was fine, happy even. Why did it have to turn out this way?

He closed the door and snapped his fingers, restoring it to its old stage. He sighed and stepped out of his underwear and threw it straight into the bin before he got into the shower. When he was clean and dry again, he walked over to his clothes, still folded up next to the sink.

He picked up the bracelet first and put it back on his wrist, comforted by the now familiar weight. For the first time in years, he didn’t feel like tight clothes today. A snap later and he was wearing some loose grey sweatpants and a simple black T-Shirt. His eyes lingered over his sunglasses, wondering if he should wear them too. But he eventually decided against them, since wearing them will probably make Aziraphale feel even worse. Crowley had upset him enough already.

When he returned to the bedroom, hoping to just sneak his way back into the warm embrace of his Angel, he found Aziraphale missing. _Of course he left you._

He snapped himself out of that mindset again, growling at himself. Aziraphale was near him, he could feel it, he doesn’t need to fall into that dark pit again. And yet it felt so familiar, maybe even nostalgic, like he had made that trip a thousand times already. And when he really thought about it, he did. He never realized it before, or rather, he never saw it so clearly before.

Every time when Aziraphale had pushed him away, had left him standing in the rain, he fell into that pit. It was almost masochistic, the way that Crowley always knew that he’d get hurt when he got near Aziraphale again and yet not missing a chance to do so. He had always coped with it somehow, copious amounts of alcohol clearly helped, but not for long.

Things are different now.

Maybe that’s why he is freaking out. Aziraphale doesn’t push him away anymore, is even trying to get closer to him, the way he always wanted, but he’s expecting it anyway. Like it’s a dream that’s about to end, like the last glimpse of heaven before it got snatched away…

“Good morning” Aziraphale appeared in the doorway, holding two cups in his hands, white wings gone.

Crowley jumped a little, startled by the sudden appearance. “Wuh-er…Good morning”.

Aziraphale gave him a tender smile and walked over to the bed, putting the cups down on Crowleys nightstand. He made himself comfortable, leaning against the headboard, and tapped the space next to him, asking Crowley to join him without using words.

Crowley did so without a comment, knowing that they needed to talk for things to get better, or at least back to normal again. Aziraphale reached over and handed him a cup with steaming hot black coffee, just the way he always drank it. He himself had a cup of earl grey tea, surprised to have found some in Crowleys hardly used kitchen.

They drank in silence for a while, Crowley intently staring into his cup, grimacing at his reflection in the dark liquid. Aziraphale finished his cup first, putting it aside and scooting closer to Crowleys side.

The next thing Crowley knew he felt Aziraphale kiss his cheek and he couldn’t help but close his eyes and lean into the gesture.

After a few seconds Aziraphale broke away again, smiling. “Only fair that I reciprocate your advances”.

Crowley flushed, Aziraphale wasn’t that asleep after all then. The Demon put his cup aside as well then, quickly leaning back into Aziraphales side, sighing when an arm was thrown over his shoulders.

“I’ve never seen you sleeping before” Crowley pointed out, snuggling closer.

“Yes, well…You seemed to enjoy it and it was…nice laying in bed with you. All warm and cosy, so I decided to try it” Aziraphale explained, sounding a little flustered about it.

“Must’ve been tired too” Crowley mumbled, more to himself than Aziraphale. It was only feeding the guilt monster that banged against the inside of Crowleys ribcage, but there wasn’t much to do about that for the time being.

“How are you now?” Aziraphale asked, unsure of how he should proceed here. He doesn’t want to end up in the hallway again. Or even worse, straight outside the front door.

“I feel horrible” Crowley admits, his voice dropping to a whisper. “And I’m sorry”.

Aziraphale frowned at that. “Whatever do you need to be sorry for, my dear? It was me who did something wrong…But truth to be told, I’m not quite sure what I did”.

“Firstly, I’m sorry for the way that I talked to you. I never wanted to say something like that to you and you didn’t deserve it” Crowley shifts a little bit closer, “And…You didn’t do anything wrong”.

“Could you please enlighten me then? I don’t want to pressure you Crowley, but I was quite scared yesterday” Aziraphale tightens his arm around Crowley, kissing the top of his head, trying to comfort him.

“I can only imagine” he mumbled, closing his eyes, ashamed of himself and afraid to see Aziraphales surely disappointed expression.

“I really appreciate what you did for me yesterday. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so…cherished before. Like I matter, that I’m not just a pest to be thrown out or a snake to step on. I felt safe and protected, in a way I couldn’t feel since my fall. The way you looked at me, like I was the only thing that truly mattered to you” Crowley had to swallow down the tears that wanted to escape once more.

“You are Crowley” Aziraphale assured him, slowly stroking over his Demons arm. “But if you liked it so much, what happened? Something went wrong with our…last act of the night, that much I know”.

“I thought it would be the only chance I’d get” Crowley confessed, hiding his face in the crook of Aziraphales shoulder and neck. “I-I still think that you’ll push me away eventually and…and when you offered to h-help me I just…forced myself to say ‘yes’”.

“Oh, Crowley” Aziraphale didn’t want to sound disheartened but it was too hard to hide. “No wonder you reacted the way you did, my poor _darling_ ”.

“I’m sorry” Crowley cried out, ignoring the endearment that surely slipped out and annoyed at himself for wetting another piece of Aziraphales clothing with his tears. “I don’t w-want to feel like t-this anymore, but I-I can’t stop it!”.

“Dear, it’s alright. Come on, breath for me, slowly in and out. Yes, just like that” Aziraphale guided Crowley to calm himself. “It’s not just your fault. I shouldn’t have suggested it in the first place. There is a proper order for these things, I mean we haven’t even kissed yet or told each other that we lo- *huff*…like us very much. I’ve known you for 6000 years, I should’ve been able to see through your façade and stop us before anything happened”.

Aziraphale tried to stop the tears but there wasn’t any way he could’ve, short to a miracle. Crowley looked up immediately when he heard his Angel sniffle.

“Hey, don’t cry” Crowley brushed his thumbs over his cheeks, trying to wipe away the tears.

“I’m sorry that I have failed you again” Aziraphale whispered, taking hold of his slim wrist wearing the bracelet and pulling it up for a kiss. “I shouldn’t have left myself out from that protection spell. Seems like the only Angel that truly hurts you is me”.

Crowleys eyes widened impossibly large, tearing his hand away and grabbing Aziraphales shoulders. “Don’t say shit like that!”.

Aziraphale stared at him wide-eyed, not knowing what to do otherwise.

“I don’t want to live a life without you, Angel! What happened last night was a mistake from _both of us,_ and I won’t stand for you saying that I’m better off without you. Because I wouldn’t. I would be miserable, scared and lonely, probably dead as well” He took a deep breath and leaned his forehead against Aziraphales. “I _like_ you too much to lose you”.

“I _like_ you too, my dear” Aziraphale breathed, calmed by Crowleys scent and hands that rubbed his shoulders gently. “And I couldn’t live without you either”.

It wasn’t the “L-Word” they both wanted to use, but it was a step towards it and more than they could hope for right now.

Maybe it was the rush of fearing to lose Aziraphale again, or maybe the excitement to have found a way to voice their feelings a little bit better, maybe the happiness that resulted from both of these things. But whatever the reason for it was, Crowley was glad for it, because he moved forward and pressed his lips against Aziraphales.

Not the cheek, not the wrist or his forehead. Not even the _corner_ of those lips, but right dead in the centre. And it wasn’t out of self-pressure this time, no he truly wanted this and did not regret it. It felt so _right_ , like coming home after a long day, or the first sunbeams after a storm, creating a rainbow as they mixed.

Aziraphales lips were even softer against his own than he had ever imagined, and he admired the way their lips matched for each other, like two pieces of the same puzzle.

Aziraphale hummed in shock when Crowley kissed him and went stiff like a statue at first. Oh, this felt nice, perfect even, how did he ever walk this earth without feeling those lips before? He was addicted right away. But then his mind started to yell at him; What did they just talk about?! What if Crowley pushed himself again?!

It took all his strength to turn his head away from those lips, breathing heavy. “W-Wait a sec”.

Crowley missed the firm pressure against his lips immediately but felt his stomach drop when he realized he hadn’t asked if Aziraphale wanted to be kissed by him. “Oh fuck, I should’ve asked you first, I’m sorry!”.

“No, no. That’s not it” Aziraphale reassured, turning his head back to Crowley. “But I need to make sure that you’re not forcing yourself to do something again. I-I am very delighted that you kissed me but are you sure you want this?”.

Crowley sighed out of relief and nodded, eager to get back to kissing. “I know it’s…complicated right now. Us, I mean. But this isn’t like yesterday, I promise. You said it yourself; There’s a proper order for these things and its weird that you touched my cock without having our first kiss. I _want_ to kiss you, Angel, I truly do”.

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow and then held up his pinkie expectantly.

Crowley stared at the digit and rolled his eyes. “You want a pinkie promise? Really?”.

“I can’t let last night repeat itself, Crowley. Neither you nor I could stand it. So yes, I’d like a pinkie promise and I trust you, that you mean it when you do it” Aziraphale was serious about this, their relationship was fragile since the beginning and last night was the closest thing yet to almost break them.

Crowley agreed with that, he really couldn’t stand to have something like last night happen again. It felt silly when he wrapped his own pinkie around Aziraphales, sealing the promise, but if it meant that Aziraphale felt reassured, he didn’t care. As long as they could kiss again. And just because he wanted to show that he really wanted it this time, he pulled their intertwined fingers to his mouth and kissed Aziraphales ring.

“Now that that’s settled” Aziraphale playfully pulled Crowley onto his lap, letting his hands roam over Crowleys back. “We can continue”.

Crowley giggled and went willingly onto Aziraphales lap, his hands moving from angelic shoulders up his neck to then caress his cheeks. “I like you, Angel”.

“I like you too, Crowley” Aziraphale grinned, before their lips met for the second and definitely not last time.


	7. The Next Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley take the next step in their relatiosnhip.

_Two days later_

Crowley stared at Aziraphale in disbelieve, because surely he had misheard him. His mouth hung open, eyes blown wide, until he managed to close it again, if only to swallow. “I think you have to repeat that”.

Aziraphale wanted to chuckle at the sight, because no matter what Crowley said; He looked adorable. But it didn’t seem like a good moment to say so. He nodded instead. “I would like to set some ground rules for us. They are meant to make sure that we don’t overwhelm each other again, or more accurately; Me overwhelming you”.

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Yeah, got that! I meant the last thing, that about the kissing”.

Aziraphale cleared his throat, heat rising to his cheeks. It happens more and more since their romantic relationship began. “Of course. I’d like to establish a Kiss-Count for you. Seven lips-to-lips kisses per week, one for each day, not more nor less”.

Crowley leaned back against the old couch in the back of the bookshop, trying to ignore the twitch of anxiety at being here for almost an hour now. “Why? Y-You don’t like kissing?”.

Aziraphale immediately jumped up from his chair and sat down next to Crowley, gently grabbing his hand. “No! Crowley, I _like_ kissing you, you must know that”.

It is well established by this point that the word “like” when emphasised like this actually meant “love”, though they never outright said so. Crowley still felt an icy shiver down his spine when even thinking about saying or hearing it.

“Then why?” Crowley squeezed his Angels hand once, trying to tell him that although he is uncomfortable, he wants to have this talk.

Aziraphale weighed his words wisely, he just had to make this right. “It will only be for the next few months, until the trust between us has grown more, when the walls we built together are strong enough to withstand against the strong winds”.

Crowleys lips twitched into a small smile, liking the sound of that, which of course didn’t have anything to do with Aziraphales voice itself. Didn’t have anything to do with the way Crowley felt his heart beat faster whenever he heard that voice, or the way those lips moved to form these words. Alright, focus!

“I feel like it will make things easier for the time being. I know you don’t like to hear me say it, but you’re like a sensitive flower right now and I could never forgive myself for crushing you. There were some close calls in the past to that regard and I want nothing more than to prevent those kinds of things from ever happening again” Aziraphale explained further, reaching out to caress Crowleys cheek affectionately. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”.

Crowley bit his bottom lip, glancing over at his sunglasses that laid neatly folded on the small table next to them. “Is this also because of last Weekend? I told you I didn’t mean to scare you like that”.

“Partially, yes. Crowley, I’m sorry if this annoys you, but after that horrible night…I just can’t risk anything. You deserve so much, my dear Crowley and I promise you, I will do anything within my power to give it to you as soon as I have undone the damage I caused” Aziraphale leaned forwards to kiss Crowleys cheek. “Besides; It only affects the kisses on the lips”.

“Those are the best ones, though” Crowley mumbled but he did see the point Aziraphale was trying to get across. No matter how much he liked to kiss, after their first kiss on Sunday morning he should’ve taken a break before going for a full-on snog. By the time Aziraphale said his goodbyes, Crowley felt like his world was about to shatter.

He knew their time apart was only for a short while but that damn whisper was back once more, _what if this time Aziraphale won’t come back?_

No matter how clingy it felt, as soon as Aziraphale had entered the bookshop his aged telephone rang. He distantly wondered why on earth customers were trying to call him on a _Sunday,_ but when he heard Crowley answering on the other end, he found himself worrying even more.

Crowley sighed deeply before pulling their joint hands to his lips, kissing Aziraphales. “Alright, I know what you’re trying to do here. Seven kisses per week, fine”.

“I’m glad you agree, my dear” Aziraphale smiled softly.

“And I can have them whenever I want?” Crowley asked further and Aziraphale saw mischief in those eyes.

“Yes, I suppose so. Anytime and anywhere you want” He answered hesitantly, raising an eye brow in amusement.

“So, hypothetically” Crowley grinned with a teasing tone, “If I’d drag you to heaven, right in front of the Archangels, you’d still kiss me?”.

Aziraphale chuckled and raised his hand, fingers crossed and ready to snap. “I can miracle Gabriel down here right now and kiss you until your lips turn blue, if you’d like?”.

Maybe he came across as _very_ determent to do so, or maybe Crowley just didn’t expect that response. But whatever the cause was, panic flashed over Crowleys face and he leaned forward to snatch Aziraphales hand down again, staring at him.

“Are you fucking crazy?!” He almost yelled, holding his hand tight to the point of mild discomfort.

“C-Crowley, it was a joke!” Aziraphale tried to reassure, reaching up with his free hand to pet Crowleys red hair. “It’s alright, my dear”.

Crowley seemed to snap back to himself and reluctantly let Aziraphales hand go. “Y-Yeah, of course. Sorry ‘bout that”.

Aziraphale used his hand in Crowleys hair to gently guide him into his arms, holding him and stroking his hands over his back. “Why did you get scared?”.

“Wasn’t scared” Crowley countered, thought both knew he wasn’t even really trying to lie. “Just…didn’t want to see that douchebag”.

“I wouldn’t put you in harms way, my dear. Why did I gift you that bracelet if that wasn’t the case?” Aziraphale turned his head to kiss Crowleys temple. “I’m sorry for joking about it”.

“No, it’s alright” Crowley hesitated for a moment. “Would you really though? Kiss me in front of Gabriel, I mean”.

They broke apart a little so they could look at each other. Aziraphale saw the doubt in Crowleys beautiful golden eyes and knew just what to tell him.

“I will, Crowley. In front of Gabriel and all the other Archangels. In front of the Metatron and even God herself. I have hidden my feelings for you long enough. I’m done with it, done with hiding. Now that we’re safe to be together, there isn’t _anything_ that could stop me from… _liking_ you” Aziraphale had to bite down the word “love” and it left an ugly feeling behind. He so desperately wanted to tell him.

Crowley grinned like the lovesick idiot he was and nuzzled their noses together, closing his eyes. “I would’ve kissed you on top of Eden, right in front of God, but I think that you would’ve at least discorporated me back then”.

Aziraphale laughed and nuzzled back, feeling his essence sing out praises of love for Crowley. It was such a relief to finally let it and listen to this song of love and he couldn’t wait for the moment when he could share this song with Crowley. But they still had a bit of work ahead for that to happen.

“Now, my handsome Demon” Aziraphale whispered into Crowleys ear, relishing the delighted shiver that Crowley gave in response, “I’m feeling a bit peckish. Would you accompany me to a spot of brunch?”.

Crowley slowly pulled back from the embrace and smiled, putting on his sunglasses. “Always, Angel. Let’s go”.

They left the bookshop together and decided to go on a small walk to the dinner a few blocks down the road. Aziraphale laced their fingers together, startling Crowley in the process. While they shared their affection for each other in the privacy of their respective homes, they never really did anything of the sort in public yet. They went to feed the ducks at St. James Park, or go dinning at the Ritz, but they did that as friends for decades at this point.

Their day at the beach in Brighton was somewhat in public, Crowley guessed, but there weren’t any humans around. But now they’re walking hand in hand through the neighbourhood as if it was the most usual thing. And it should’ve been, if Crowley didn’t feel the urge to look over his shoulder every once in a while.

“Crowley, are you alright? Is holding hands too much?” Aziraphale asked, already pulling his hand away.

But Crowley grabbed it again, holding on tighter. “Sorry, old habits die hard and all that. I still feel like I should watch out for hell. Maybe Hastur is somewhere hidden in a dark alleyway, who knows?”.

Aziraphale tucked Crowley to the side of the walkway. “Crowley, heaven and hell are terrified of us. Even _if_ they saw us now, they couldn’t do anything. I won’t let them hurt either of us, I promise”.

Crowley saw the fire of a Principality again, still burning deep within those blue eyes he loved so much. His face softened. “You would protect me, wouldn’t you? I _like_ you so much, Angel, _shit_ ”.

Aziraphale must’ve looked a little dumbfounded, because he was. He’d never heard Crowleys voice so full of awe, so full of _love_ , before. He wanted to kiss Crowley, brunch almost forgotten, but he resisted the urge because of the Kiss-Count rule, if only barely. “I-I _like_ you too. So unbelievably much”.

Crowley too wanted to kiss but decided to safe it for later, when they would separate once again. It made Crowleys stomach lurch and he did his best not to show it and instead pulled Aziraphale with him back towards their destination.

Once they arrived, Crowley, like the gentlemen he was, held the door open for Aziraphale before entering himself. It was almost packed full but of course there was a table miraculously free, with window seats, because why not? Why should they hide in a corner? Why should they hide at all?

While Aziraphale thought that way and was comfortable with it, Crowley seemed to be uneasy. He looked around with his eyes only, hidden being the dark lenses, trying to act casual, but he couldn’t fool Aziraphale like that. He saw the slight panic, the way his muscles tensed when he risked a quick look out of the window, as if he expected _something_ to happen. 

“Crowley?” Aziraphale looked over the rim of his menu. “What’s wrong? Do you want to go somewhere else? Do you want to go to your flat, be alone?”.

“No!” Crowley answered, a bit too loud judging by the few heads turning in their direction. He adjusted the volume. “No. Oh, I don’t know why I’m so pent-up! We’ve done this so many times already”.

Aziraphale slowly lifted their joint hands from the table. “Is it maybe because of this? It’s the first time we’re showing the world that we’re more than mere friends, I understand if it worries you”.

“It’s not that I don’t like it” Crowley continued, huffing out a breath in annoyance. “You know, whenever I thought of us being together like this, I never pictured myself being this pathetic”.

Aziraphale put his menu down, almost glaring at Crowley. “You’re not pathetic, Crowley! This isn’t easy, not only because of our former sides but also because I have hurt you. I know you expect me to let you go at some point, to laugh at you and say that it was just a joke. But I won’t, Crowley. I don’t expect you to trust my words and I’m trying to show you through my actions that you’re mine, Crowley”.

Crowley’s hand began to shake. It was shocking enough for him to watch Aziraphale put down his menu in favour of giving him all his attention but hearing Aziraphale sound so _possessive_ , telling him that he, the Demon Crowley, was indeed _his._ Oh, that did some very pleasant things to him.

“Now what can I get for you, loves?” the waitress interrupted the moment, smiling at them.

Aziraphale, noticing that Crowley seemed to be incapable of speech right now, answered for them both. “Ah yes, I’d like the French brunch menu with a spot of English breakfast tea and for my boyfriend a large back coffee, please”.

“Comin’ right up” the waitress answered, already turning around to get their orders in.

When Aziraphale turned back to Crowley, the Demon had turned pale, or even more pale that usual, as it is. “Oh dear, Crowley are you alright?!”.

“Y-You-You…” Crowley stammered, swallowing hard against all the emotions that crashed down on him, threatening to crush him but in a very delightful way. “Y-You called me…your b-boyfriend?”.

Aziraphale frowned for a moment before he caught on, he didn’t actually notice that the word had slipped out. “O-Oh! I didn’t even realize…Oh lord, was it too much? I apologize if-!”.

Crowley leaned over the table and kissed him. Screw the Kiss-Count rule, he needed to feel those lips on his own right now! Aziraphale was startled but kissed back as soon as he his brain registered that Crowley wasn’t mad at him.

“Fuck, I _like_ you, my _boyfriend_ Aziraphale” Crowley grinned at him, loosing control for a moment as his serpentine forked tongue darted out. He was too drunk on love to even care.

Aziraphale had to blink a few times to get through the haze of love himself. “I-I _like_ you, too. But I didn’t overwhelm you again, did I?”.

It seems like they had swapped positions now; Crowley was calm, holding Aziraphales hand and just outright happy. Aziraphale had called him his boyfriend! He had dreamed of that label for _years_! On the other hand, Aziraphale looked to be on edge; Eyebrows knitted together in worry, an apology already on the tip of his tongue, ready to be used.

“Angel, I’m fine” Crowley reassured, leaning back against his seat with a sigh. “We can’t just be happy, can we?”.

He hated how fast the mood changed. They were happy just seconds ago, they called each other boyfriends for Satan’s sake! But of course those moments don’t last, not in their new relationship it seems.

“Well, 6000 years of always being under surveillance are hard to be shaken off. Not to mention the things _I_ did” Aziraphale sighed too, forcing a smile on his lips when the waitress came with their orders.

“Angel, I’m better now” Crowley said, staring down into his coffee, thoughtfully. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything”.

Aziraphale looked up from his meal. “What do you mean?”.

Crowley shrugged, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. “I’m thinking I may have exaggerated. I don’t know, Angel, I wish things could go back to the way they were. Maybe I should’ve let you do whatever you wanted to do at the night after the apocalypse. What if I kept on…acting like I’m fine?”.

What he didn’t say was that it would’ve made Aziraphale feel better. Crowley was always making sure that Aziraphale was happy, that he got the food he liked, the wine that he wanted and that he was safe. In the beginning of their new relationship, he wanted Aziraphale to feel bad, to see how miserable it can be being rejected by the person of your desire.

But now, almost six months in, he didn’t want that anymore. He wanted to turn back time, tell his old self that he should just shut his mouth. He could do it, has done so since the beginning. Aziraphale had learned his lesson, he was trying so hard to give Crowley everything he ever wanted and yet here he was; Being afraid of staying at the bookshop, receiving a whole evening dedicated for him to relax and even having one of his sexual fantasies fulfilled and in the end having a damn panic attack from it. He couldn’t even kiss his Angel the way he wanted, because Aziraphale didn’t want to make any more mistakes.

He was a mess and he didn’t want to be a mess anymore.

Aziraphale stared at him for a while before he silently raised his hand, waving over the waitress without taking his eyes from Crowley. “Could you wrap this up for us to take home?”.

The waitress did just that and Crowley cowered away a little, keeping his hands to himself for now. “W-Why are we leaving? Are you mad?”.

Aziraphale tapped his lips with his napkin, closing his eyes for a moment. “I don’t think this is a conversation we should be having here, my dear. The bookshop or your flat?”.

Crowley felt uneasy by the look in Aziraphales eyes. It felt a bit cold, which was unsettling to say the least, and although he was still unsure about the bookshop, his cold flat seemed to be even worse in this situation. “Bookshop?”.

“Here you go, now that will be-“ the waitress tries to cut in again but Aziraphale took the bag in her hand and with a flick of his wrist gave her a handful of bills before getting up and almost _dragging_ Crowley outside with him.

Next thing Crowley knows, Aziraphale is snapping his fingers, transporting them straight to the bookshop. The bag of food safely discarded on the desk.

Now Crowley had seen Aziraphale doing a lot of questionable stuff, but he never saw him acting this reckless before. A miracle in brought daylight, surrounded by humans! “Aziraphale, are you mad?! You can’t just use a-!”.

And another surprise for today; Aziraphale gently but firmly pressed him against the very next bookshelf, staring deep into his eyes through the dark lenses of his sunglasses.

“Crowley, I know my behaviour may not be the best right now” Aziraphales voice shock with emotions, a mix of anger and disbelieve but overlaid with worry. “But I can’t just sit there and listen to you telling me you feel like you shouldn’t have told me how you felt! That you should’ve let me do whatever I wanted with you, because frankly, no! You did the right thing! You did not exaggerate anything, Crowley!”.

“B-But if I-“ Crowley started again, his voice subdued.

But Aziraphale wouldn’t take any of it. “No ‘buts’! You would be miserable, you wouldn’t be happy with me, Crowley! This isn’t what either of us want”.

Crowley didn’t know what to say to that. It was true, he probably wouldn’t be happy like this, still hiding his feelings from Aziraphale. But he wasn’t happy like this either! He was sick of them both having to tiptoe around each other.

Aziraphale slowly lowered his hands when Crowley didn’t respond, letting him go and taking a step back. “Crowley, I don’t ever want to leave your side again. But I need us to be honest here; What do you want Crowley? Tell me, just say it and I’ll make it happen. Just _please_ don’t lie to me, you should never feel like you need to”.

Crowley reached up to take off his sunglasses, putting them safely into his poked. He wasn’t sure about many aspects of this, but one thing he knew. “I want you”.

He leaned forward to bury his face in the crock of Aziraphales neck. “I want to be with you, always. I want to kiss you, to hold you, to fall asleep with you and tell you that I lo-lo…argh!”.

He let out a frustrated breath and Aziraphale put his arms around him, combing a hand through his hair. “Don’t try to force it, Crowley. I am here, I don’t want to be away from you either”.

“Why can’t I just believe you?! You proved you mean it, why am I acting so difficult?” Crowley groaned into their embrace.

“You’re not acting difficult. Six months of building trust isn’t much when you look at the last 6000 years, we’ve spent repressing our feelings” Aziraphale slowly rocked them from side to side, placing a kiss on Crowleys head. “Don’t be so hard on yourself”.

“Please don’t make me leave” Crowley finally managed to spit out. “I-I hate going home, going to my flat. It isn’t home, Aziraphale. You are, I want to stay with you”.

“But you hate being in the bookshop?” Aziraphale asked, liking the thought of having Crowley around him all the time.

“I don’t hate it” Crowley corrected, inhaling deeply to try and keep the tears from forming. “It’s just that it’s _your_ home. I have to leave at some point, go to my flat again, and it feels like the last 6000 years. It feels like another fucking rejection”.

Crowley pulled out from the hug to look at Aziraphales face. “That’s why I lash out sometimes, you know. If I push you away first, you won’t have a chance to hurt me. That’s why I want to leave the shop as fast as possible, because I can’t hear you tell me ‘It’s getting late’ or some other excuse you used in the past to politely get me to leave”.

“Then what if you don’t have to leave?” Aziraphale suggested, watching Crowleys head tilt.

“You told me once that you always thought of us having a place of our own. What if we build a home together, somewhere here on earth?” Aziraphale explained further, hoping he isn’t crossing another line again.

“You mean like moving in with each other?” Crowley asked to clarify. “Permanently? Like forever? All eternity?”.

“Yes” Aziraphale chuckled, amused by how Crowley tried to wrap his head around the idea. “What do you say?”.

Crowley chewed on the inside of his cheek, nervous about the idea. He wanted to stay with Aziraphale, wake up next to him, curl up in his embrace every night. Is moving in together too fast? They haven’t said the three magic words yet, although they made some progress in that regard.

What if they get a new place together and it doesn’t work out? What if Aziraphale gets annoyed with him? The closer they got, the more any of this would hurt, and that wasn’t something Crowley wanted to experience again. He wasn’t sure if he could survive losing Aziraphale now.

Maybe they just needed to start slow?

“What if…what if I stay here for a while, first? See if things work out?” Crowley made the counteroffer, worrying his fingers.

“If you’re comfortable, then yes” Aziraphale answered truthfully, having some suspicion on why Crowley wanted to “test” things first. “The bookshop is as much your home as it is mine”.

Crowley liked that. He really, _really_ liked those words, even if he wasn’t sure if he could believe them yet. “Then its settled. I-I just…stay here then”.

Aziraphale pulled him into another hug then. “I’m very happy that you’re here”.

Crowley hesitated for a moment before he hugged him back, but when he did, he held on tight. “Me too, Angel”.

_A few hours later_

“Didn’t know you had a bed” Crowley laughed, looking down at the dusty tartan bedding. A snap later and the bed was clean, but he decided to leave the tartan, it is Aziraphales bed after all.

“I hardly ever use it, my dear boy. But I’m looking forward to sharing it with you” Aziraphale smiled at him from behind, leaned forward to kiss his right shoulder lovingly.

Crowley turned around smoothly and put his arms around the Angels neck, starting to play with the soft blonde locks. “You’ll join me in bed?”.

Aziraphale kissed his cheek and nuzzled their noses together. “Only if you allow me to, of course. I enjoyed sleeping in the same bed with you, I don’t mind doing it more often”.

“As if I’d ever chase my Angel away from bed” Crowley dared to tease, nuzzling back and inhaling that intoxicating smell of Lavender and old books.

“Then let’s get dressed for bed, shall we?” Aziraphale broke away from their embrace with a last kiss to Crowleys cheeks and turned around.

Crowley used a minor miracle to change his attire and sat down on the bed, expecting Aziraphale to do the same. To his surprise though, Aziraphale was undressing the human way. He swallowed hard and watched transfixed when Aziraphale discarded his waistcoat and shirt. That much he had already seen but now Crowley got to see the Angel pull his undershirt over his head, revealing the pale skin underneath.

Aziraphale looked up at him and blushed, suddenly aware that for the first time ever, he wasn’t alone while undressing. “Pardon me, I should’ve asked first, how very indecent of me”.

Crowley was on his feet and at his side in mere seconds, his serpent eyes wandering over Aziraphales torso. He hesitated but jumped over his own shadow. “Can I touch you?”.

Aziraphale nodded faster than he would like to admit but he couldn’t hide his excitement, and if he was honest with himself, he didn’t want to.

Crowleys touch was featherlight, just barely considered a touch at all. His breath hitched at the first contact and he carefully traced a finger along the collarbone. “Soft…You’re soft like a cloud”.

“You think so?” Aziraphale chuckled nervously, suddenly feeling a bit insecure about his middle. He never cared about it before, he likes his softness, but Gabriels words came to mind. It felt like woodworms that tried to destroy the ground base of a house, putting it at risk to fall in on itself.

As if Crowley could tell, and maybe he really could, his hands came to rest on Aziraphales belly, squeezing it gently, his mouth hanging open a little. “Soft…I _like_ how soft you are, Angel”.

Aziraphale flustered even more and pulled Crowley into a hug to calm himself. It was him, for once, who was overwhelmed. “Thank you, Crowley”.

Crowley didn’t understand why Aziraphale was thanking him, but when he got the chance to hold Aziraphale with a bare torso, he couldn’t find it in him to ask.

They separated once more so that Aziraphale could finish undressing, smiling at Crowley shyly when he noticed the Demon staring at his thick thighs. A few minutes later and he was dressed in his tartan pyjama.

Crowley climbed onto the bed and under the covers first, petting the spot next to him. “Come on in, Angel”.

Aziraphale did so and snuggled closer to his Demon. Crowley did the same, resting his head on Aziraphales chest, one leg getting thrown over the Angels waist, pulling him even closer.

“I could get used to this” Crowley murmured against Aziraphales skin, placing a kiss to the hollow of his throat, watching Aziraphales Adams apple bob when he swallowed.

Aziraphale hummed in agreement and reached over to his nightstand, grabbing the book that laid there. It was “The Odyssee” from the Greek author Homer, actually one of the first ever copies of the book, or rather the scrolls from that time, gifted to him by Homer himself. “What would you say if I’d read to you?”.

“I’m not a kid, Aziraphale” Crowley tried to act defensive, but both knew he was too tired to even keep that act up. So, he sighed deeply and snuggled closer yet again. “But I don’t mind”.

It was Crowleys way of saying; “Yes, please read to me, I love your voice and want to fall asleep to it”.

“Alright, are you comfortable, my dear?” Aziraphale smiled, holding his Demon tight against his side.

“Yeah” Crowley yawned and nuzzled his face into the soft fabric of Aziraphales pyjama. “And I _like_ you, Angel”.

“I _like_ you too, my dear Crowley” Aziraphale grinned, his heart swelling with affection before he began to read out loud. “Of all creatures that breathe and move upon the earth, nothing is bred that is weaker than man…”.

Crowley listened to the voice of his Angel for as long as he could, admiring the tenderness of it. Aziraphale absentminded began to fondle Crowleys red hair again, knowing by now just the way Crowley liked it, how he could make the Demon purr with delight.

His eyelids grew heavier and heavier until he didn’t fight against their weight anymore and closed them, sighing deeply. The last thing he felt before he drifted into a peaceful rest, was how the emptiness inside him filled a bit more, making his whole body shiver with warmth.


	8. Alcohol Isnt The Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pair explore Aziraphales Memory-Chest once more before things get a bit heated.

_Five days later_

Aziraphale was getting used to having someone around him all the time. He had to admit it was a bit strange at first, seeing how he had spent thousands of years more or less alone. But he liked having Crowley around, it felt so very domestic and he could see the appeal to having your significant other around 24/7.

The small things delighted him the most. Like watching Crowley wake up in the morning, hair a mess and golden eyes full of sleep, and then the little smile when their eyes would meet for the first time that day.

Or like now; Aziraphale was working on repairing a book when Crowley brought him a fresh cup of tea. The Angel hadn’t asked for it, hadn’t even realized how much he’d like the beverage right now, but Crowley knew. And it made his heart swell with affection.

“Oh, my dear! Thank you” Aziraphale thanked him, pulling Crowley down to kiss his temple.

The Demon grinned, proud of having made his Angel happy. “It’s nothin’, Angel. I’ll be upstairs in the flat, alright? Call me if you need anything”.

“I will and please feel free to do the same. Just because the shop is open doesn’t mean you need to hide yourself away” Aziraphale assured him, giving him a quick scratch at the nape of his neck before watching his Demon ascend the stairs.

For Crowley, this new living situation felt a bit different. On one hand, it was scary. The darkest part of his mind still tried to tell him that this was a bad idea, that he’s just getting hurt in the end. He got better at fighting them, it was easier to tell himself that it wouldn’t be like all the times before with Aziraphale near him all the time.

But even that made him worry sometimes. He didn’t want to bother Aziraphale, didn’t want to annoy him, because then Aziraphale wouldn’t feel the need to throw him out again. When he had told Aziraphale about this, the Angel hugged him and said that he would never be thrown out, that this was his home, if he wanted it to be. It made him feel better, at least, thought it was hard to try and believe it sometimes.

But then again, living with Aziraphale made him very happy too. The bookshop is always warm and cosy, he never wakes up alone anymore and although Aziraphale doesn’t sleep every night, like Crowley does (with a few exceptions), the Angel never leaves him alone in bed. Not once did he feel lonely in the past days and when he went over to his flat to look after his plants and just check in, he would always return to the shop, and more importantly Aziraphale.

Aziraphale had offered him to bring his plants over too but Crowley declined. There wasn’t enough natural lighting in the bookshop for his plants and he doesn’t need to terrorize them more than he already does. That Aziraphale made the offer in the first place was enough for him and made him feel all kinds of undemonic things.

What was still a difficulty thought was showing affection in public. Holding hands has gotten easier, thank someone, but everything else made Crowley uncomfortable almost every time. Aziraphale had assured him that it was okay to feel uncertain and that he didn’t need to worry about it too much, that they only recently started to try this and that it would get better with time, if they wish for that.

What didn’t help at all was that Crowley _swears_ he had seen Gabriel once while they we’re feeding the ducks at St. James Park. It was maybe a split second at best, but he saw the unmistakable purple pair of eyes staring at them from within a small crowd before they were gone again. It made Crowley freak out, but he didn’t show anything while they could be seen, their enemies can’t see him afraid of them, not after everything they had done to get them off their backs.

Aziraphale didn’t see anything but believed Crowley none the less and they’ve quickly made their way back to the bookshop. Ever since that day Aziraphale had added another spell to ward his bookshop. He already had one that warned him of any Demons that came closer, with an exception for Crowley, but now he added Angels to it as well. It was mostly because Crowley had insisted on it, because he had the bracelet for protection but Aziraphale didn’t have anything yet. They we’re as safe as they could be now, close to having a river of holy water and a wall of hellfire around the shop.

Crowley snapped himself out of his thoughts when he heard Aziraphales voice raising a little downstairs.

“I was gone for like ten minutes…” Crowley mutters to himself before he peered down the railing and saw Aziraphale arguing with a customer.

It was a middle-aged woman in a classic fancy red dress, sporting the typical “I demand to speak to the manager” haircut. She actually looked a bit out of place amongst the dusty old bookshelves. Now Crowley can shrug off some things, if needed, but what he absolutely couldn’t stand is when humans dared to disrespect his Angel. They may not know that Aziraphale was an Angel, and _his_ no less, but that was besides the point.

He usually would’ve stayed out of Aziraphales arguments, because the Principality can certainly fight for himself, but when this woman decided to insult his boyfriend, she offended Crowley as well.

“I just don’t understand why you won’t sell me this book?! You are discriminating me because I’m a woman, is that it?! You, sir, are a misogynistic swine!” the woman yelled, making the two other customers in the shop decide to leave for good.

For Aziraphale, this wasn’t the first angry customer experience, far from it actually, and he had been called worse than a swine before, but it still annoyed him. “There is no need for this kind on language in my shop, Madame!”.

The woman opened her mouth to argue back but no sound came when from somewhere above them they heard dangerous hissing. Aziraphale had to repress a satisfied smirk at the terrified expression the woman made.

“What is that?!” She asked, slowly going pale. Demons have that ability in them, comes with the job.

Aziraphale saw Crowleys long black body slither on top of the bookshelf next to them and he was pretty sure it wasn’t very angelic of him to be excited about what his beloved would do next. “Oh? Terribly sorry, I must’ve forgotten to put my pet snake back into his enclosure”.

The woman, who’s name was probably Karen - Crowleys best guess, started to tremble and dropped the book in fear, which she shouldn’t have done. “Are you fucking serious?! Y-You let a dangerous animal roam around here?!”.

“Don’t worry, I have fed him already” Aziraphale said and then added, because he’s just that type of Bastard; “Or did I?”.

The hissing got louder and when the woman dared to turn her head towards the noise, she was greeted by the sight of a huge black snake staring down at her from the bookshelf with a slightly open mouth, pointing out the teeth.

The scream that came next sounded almost inhuman and it made Aziraphale snicker quietly, watching the woman stumble her way out of the shop, whining something about reporting this shop to the authorities.

Aziraphale snapped the door locked before turning around to his Demon with a stern expression, that didn’t hold long as a laugh was about to escape him. “Now, Crowley, that wasn’t appropriate, was it?”.

If snakes could roll their eyes, Crowley would certainly do so now. But by the way Aziraphale was chuckling, he knew the Angel wasn’t mad at him at all.

Aziraphale held his hands up to him with a soft smile. “Now come down here so I can thank you properly for the rescue, hmm?”.

Crowleys snake form was huge and heavy, and yet when he slithered his way over Aziraphales arms to drape himself over his shoulders and then his bottom half around his torso, the Principality carried him like he weighed nothing at all.

When they were face to face, Aziraphale kissed him on top of his scaly head and let his left hand run over Crowleys coils around him. “My beautiful hero, what ever would I do without you?”.

Crowley knew it wasn’t like he had rescued him from any real danger, not like back during the French revolution, but it still made him happy and proud of himself. His forked tongue flicked out to lick over Aziraphales plush lips once before he slithered his way to the floor and turning back to his human-ish form.

He bends down to pick up the book the awful woman had dropped and inspected it carefully, letting out a breath of relief. “If she’d damaged the book, I swear I would go after her right now and show her what my teeth can do”.

Aziraphale caressed his cheek lovingly and gently took the book with his free hand, putting it aside without even looking at it. “My dear, its alright now. I _like_ you”.

“ _Like_ you too, but its not alright” Crowley replied with a huff, nuzzled his face against the soft hand that still lingered on his cheek. “Kiss me?”.

The Kiss-Count-Rule was still a thing in their relationship. Crowley knew that it wasn’t a bad thing, really, if sometimes annoying. The day he may have seen Gabriel had shaken him up quite a bit and he remembered the urge to kiss Aziraphale senseless, just to drown out the fear again. But that probably would’ve ended like that horrible Saturday night. So, in a way, he was glad for the rule, for protecting them from that ever happening again. 

Now was not one of those times, though. Crowley had decided to use his one kiss per day at the end of it, because there was nothing better than laying in bed with the love of your life and being kissed into sleepiness. But then there we’re moments like these, when a kiss would be perfect, but then he couldn’t have his goodnight kiss.

Aziraphale knew this, because Crowley had been a bit frustrated one day and had told him. It brought him into an uncomfortable situation, because he doesn’t want to overwhelm Crowley, but he also doesn’t want Crowley feeling irritated or like he wasn’t allowed to do as he pleased, in a way.

What they ultimately agreed upon was that they would communicate through these situations and if Aziraphale felt like it was “safe” enough, they would try it, but still limited to only a few kisses, no snogging. Communication is the key in every relationship, after all.

“Are you really sure?” Aziraphale asked, looking out for any signs of discomfort on Crowley. That the Demon had begun to wear his sunglasses less was helping with that immensely.

Crowley put his arms around Aziraphales neck, which had the effect that his Angels arms came around his torso, crossing loosely on his lower back. “Yeah, _really_ sure. Please?”.

“Since you asked so nicely” Aziraphale giggled and leaned forward.

Crowley wanted to say something along the line of “How dare you call me nice! Nice is a four-letter word, didn’t we have this conversation before?” but couldn’t even make a single sound of it before he was shut up by Aziraphales lips pressing onto his own.

But he couldn’t find it in him to even act like he was outraged by it.

The gentle slide of their lips made him shiver and he pressed closer to Aziraphale, clinging to him and not wanting to ever let go again. He felt the emptiness throbbing as it got filled a little bit more and it felt so _good._ So good, in fact, that it scared him a little and he had to break the kiss, trying to hide his face under Aziraphales chin and breathing heavily.

“Are you alright?” Aziraphale asked immediately, his hands stroking up and down Crowleys back soothingly.

Crowley inhaled his lovers scent and felt himself calming down enough to look up into those ocean blue eyes once more. “Yeah, sorry about that. Just got a bit shaken up”.

“No need to apologize, my dear” Aziraphale leaned forwards to place a lingering kiss to Crowleys forehead. “Thank you for telling me”.

Then he grabbed his hand to bring him with him towards the backroom and guiding him to sit down on the couch. “I was thinking, would you like to look into my Memory Chest again? It’s been a while and you didn’t get a chance to see more”.

Crowleys mood brightened up instantly and he nodded eagerly. “Yeah, that’ll be nice”.

Aziraphales smile was so affectionate that Crowley almost felt like choking on it just by receiving it. The Angel disappeared into the depths of the bookshop to retrieve not only the chest, but also a few bottles of wine and respective glasses to drink the noble liquid.

With their glasses filled to the brim and the first sip shared, they started to dig into the chest once more, ready to dive into their past together.

Crowley was the first to pull out an item and was surprised when he felt some cool metal against his skin. When he pulled it out, he frowned at the object that now laid in his hands. Shackles.

“What the hell, Angel?” Crowley grinned, almost predatory like. “Didn’t know you’re into such kinky stuff”.

Aziraphale almost spit his wine out in shock, blushing profusely. “W-What?! No! Don’t you recognize them? They’re from the Bastille!”.

Crowley looked at them again before he busted out laughing. “You saved the damn shackles form when you we’re captured during the French revolution?”.

“Don’t laugh!” Aziraphale pouted. “You saved me from the guillotine _and_ went with me to eat Crêpes afterwards, that was very romantic, don’t you think?”.

“Romantic? I guess you can call it that” Crowley huffed out a last laugh.

“At least I didn’t have a horrid hairstyle” Aziraphale countered teasingly.

“Oi!” Crowley laid a hand over his chest, scandalized. “No need to get personal!”.

They both laughed heartily at each other, their eyes meeting, both filled with so much love that it almost hurt. It felt good to laugh together.

Aziraphale bit his bottom lip, considering if he should confess to Crowley one of his deepest secrets and ultimately deciding that he should hear it. “I never wanted to tell you this, because it’s a bit embarrassing…But I had heard that you we’re stationed in Paris and when I went over there, it was actually to see you. That I get captured wasn’t my intention at all but in the end, my hero came none the less”.

Crowley raised his eyebrows so high that they threatened to disappear into his hairline. Aziraphale wanted to see him? And even got in trouble for it, risking his corporal life for the slight chance to see him?

“You’re lucky I was in the area” Crowley had said, but it wasn’t luck after all, huh? Aziraphale knew he was there and _wanted to see him!_ He still couldn’t get over that fact.

“You could’ve got hurt, Angel. And risk Gabriel getting angry at you” Crowley scolded him, but the blush made it hard to hide how affected he was by that confession.

Aziraphale shrugged, taking another sip of wine together with Crowley. “I’ve missed you. I would do it all again without hesitation”.

Crowley didn’t know what else to say to that and so he showed his appreciation with a smile before he put the shackles down to hunt for another item in the chest.

Digging through the chest once more he found an old deck of cards. They felt like they would fall apart in his hands soon but just like with his poetry, he could feel the slight tingle of an angelic miracle clinging to them, making sure that they stay in one piece.

“Ah, what fun memories, right Angel?” Crowley snickered, turning the cards in his hand.

When flipping the coin for determining who would have to do which assignment got too boring, they had agreed upon a simple game of cards. That game had brought many drunken nights and bar fights with it, though of course Aziraphale never actively fought in them. Crowley was another story all together but that’s neither here nor there.

Aziraphale let out a huff, thought it was half hearted. “You cheated in almost every game, I just know it”.

Crowley shrugged with a laugh. “I’m a Demon, that’s what I do”. He leaned over to Aziraphale with an apologetic expression. “But to be honest, I only cheated when nothing was at stake. When the game really was just for fun, never when it came to our arrangement”.

“Really?” Aziraphale sounded surprised.

“Of course! It’s not funny when we’re talking about business” Crowley assured him once more. “If you’d ever want another round, I’m up for it. I even promise not to cheat this time”.

Aziraphales expression relaxed into a soft smile. “I’d like that very much, my dear”.

“Great” Crowley agreed before setting the deck down again to reach back into the chest for another go.

When he felt something paper-like in his hand, he had expected it to be another one of his love drunken poems, but no.

His hand returned with a painting; one Crowley thought was buried in ruins by now. “You know, it’s kind of creepy how you have so many things I thought we’re destroyed long ago”.

That was painted back in the Renaissance and it was one of the weirdest experiences Crowley had ever made, or rather, unusual. During this time, he had changed his corperation to appear female and he had received a new assignment; Tempting an unknown artist to destroy the works of his competition. What ended up happening is that the artist had spotted Crowley and asked profusely to have him as his new model.

Why he had agreed in the end was still a mystery to him, but Crowley was sure it had to have involved copious amounts of alcohol. He remembered standing in a dim room, a purple cloth draped partly over his body, one breast exposed, and his red hair curling softly down his back. He never gave the artist his name, so there was the question why Aziraphale knew it was him? It could’ve been any red haired woman!

As if he had sensed the question, Aziraphale answered. “He was an acquainted man of mine and I was just coincidentally in his home one day and he showed me this painting. Initially I wasn’t sure if it was you, it did resemble you very much but it wasn’t before he told me he wasn’t quite sure if the woman was human, because he swears he saw golden eyes when she adjusted her dark lenses once, that I knew for sure. I paid him a rather large sum to buy it”.

Crowley stared at the painting intensely, not quite sure how he felt about the fact that Aziraphale owned it. Back then, he wasn’t shy about his body at all, no matter what gender, but now it had taken him a while to be comfortable enough to undress even his torso for Aziraphales view, and it turns out that the Angel had, what todays human teenagers would call, nudes of him all along, even if it was only a breast.

“D-Do you like it?” He asked, hating how flustered he sounded and probably looked too. That he began to feel a little tipsy didn’t help at all.

Aziraphale, who too noticed the effects of the wine, watched Crowleys body language carefully. He noted that he had sunken in on himself a little. “You’re beautiful, Crowley. I liked how he had captured your hair, especially, the soft flow of it”.

Crowley reluctantly put the painting back into the chest and the unsureness of it made Aziraphale worry.

“I’m sorry, Crowley, I didn’t mean for you to get embarrassed. You can take it, or I could burn it, if you want” Aziraphale suggested, refilling both their glasses once more.

But Crowley hummed in disagreement. “I-It’s alright…Many…Many people would’ve s-seen it and I feel better knowing that you have it”.

The alcohol made his head a little dizzy and he just wanted to move on for now. That Aziraphale found him to be beautiful enough even back then to buy a painting of him made him warm inside, despite the anxieties it brought with it.

Since they both started to get drunk, they decided to dig further through the chest another time.

At one point it was mostly Aziraphale talking, drunkenly ranting about the misrepresentation of Cleopatra in most medias, depicting her as a beautiful seductress when in fact, she was one of the most intelligent humans during that time and a wonderful conversationalist.

Crowley was only half listening, too focused on the warmth from both the alcohol and the love he held for Aziraphale. He was staring at his lips while he talked on.

He had kissed those lips, he knows what they taste like, their texture. He knows how it feels to fall asleep in those strong angelic arms, how it was to hug him, to touch him.

If he told his past self about this a year ago, he would’ve been laughed at.

But there are so many things he wanted to do still, both _with_ and _for_ Aziraphale. If only he could get over his fears already. He wanted so much, and he had every chance to get it, to have Aziraphale like he always wanted and yet he couldn’t bring himself to actually do anything.

In his drunken mindset, he didn’t acknowledge the fact that they had accomplished so much together already, that he had basically moved into the bookshop, that they had kissed and cuddled and held hands…And yet it wasn’t enough. Aziraphale deserved more.

Alcohol has the ability to make people braver, or rather, can make them act faster and without thinking. It can drown out the voices of reason and hinder them from resurfacing.

Aziraphale didn’t notice anything amiss until he suddenly had a lap full of Demon. He could tell that something was wrong instantly just by looking into Crowleys eyes. Pupils blown wide from alcohol, his browns knitted together like he was in pain and his thin lips trembling.

He sobered up immediately, he couldn’t be drunk while Crowley was in such a state. “Crowley, what’s wrong?”.

Crowley didn’t sober up, Aziraphale noticed, judged by both his unchanged expression and the fact that the bottles around them didn’t fill more than when they had when Aziraphale sobered up. The Demon clung to him, trembling hands coming to rest on his cheeks and Crowley staring into his eyes, as if to search for something.

“K-Kiss me” Crowley slurred against his lips, about to press them together but Aziraphale turned his head just in time.

“You’re drunk” Aziraphale pointed out, “I want to help you, what do you need?”.

“You” Crowley whined, his golden eyes turning a bit watery as he started to get frantic. “I n-need you! I-I don’t wanna be sc…sc…afraid any-more”.

“Sober up” Aziraphale demanded, unsure what Crowley meant to say exactly.

Crowley tried to kiss him once more, growling quietly when Aziraphale turned away again. “I-I wan’ to k-kiss you. I’m tired of-of wan-ting to do s-so much and-and never do-ing it! I h-hate being afr-afraid”.

“Crowley” Aziraphale gently petted his head. “You being drunk to make you able to do the things you want, isn’t right. We’re working on us, right?”.

“I-I wanna tell y-you how I f-feel” Crowley stammered, desperate to get the words out as it felt like someone was chocking him. “I lov-!”.

It may not have been the best idea to shut Crowley up with a kiss, but Aziraphale panicked once he had understood what Crowley was about to say. He dreamed to hear those words from him, he wanted to hear and say them too, but not like this. Not with a drunken Crowley trying to force himself to say it. This wouldn’t be what Crowley wanted.

Crowley went lax in his arms, melting against his lips at the same time as a few tears began to roll down his cheeks, wetting Aziraphales as well.

When they broke apart, Crowley looked calmer, his lips stopped trembling and his eyes showed the deep sadness he felt but Aziraphale also saw a little bit of relief in them.

“Sober up, please” Aziraphale tried once more, lovingly wiping away the tears, even as Crowley shook his head.

Aziraphale decided it wasn’t the time to argue now and so he held onto Crowley and stood up to carry him up the stairs to their bed. Crowley didn’t protest one bit and Aziraphale wondered if he had fallen asleep but found him to be anything but when he laid him down onto the soft mattress, snapping his fingers to redress the both of them in their pyjamas.

When Aziraphale laid down next to his troubled Demon, he found him sniffling while slowly crawling his way to the other end of the bed, back turned towards his Angel.

“Crowley? Don’t you want to cuddle, my dear?” Aziraphale asked him softly, not reaching out to him despite wanting to.

Crowley went quiet and stiff for a few seconds, not turning around yet. “D’you want to?”.

Aziraphales face softened, Crowleys voice was so faint and muffled, so vulnerable. “Of course I want to, my dear. I’m not mad at you, not at all, I’m _worried._ I want to comfort you, I’ll stay here with you”.

That made Crowley hesitantly turn over, facing Aziraphale but not coming closer yet. “I-I want y-you to stay with me…like a-always…You me-mean so m-much to me”.

“I’ll stay with you forever, Crowley, I promise” Aziraphale watched him closely. “Now come here, you’re too drunk to have such an important conversation”.

Crowley scooted closer and snuggled into Aziraphales embrace, letting out a deeply happy sigh.

Aziraphale kissed the top of his head. “Sleep now, my dear. We’ll talk in the morning. I _like_ you immensely”.

Crowley was quiet for long enough that Aziraphale expected him to be asleep. He settled down into the mattress a little better, moving slowly as not the wake his darling Demon.

Just as he was about to close his eyes to sleep as well, he heard the drunk and now sleepy voice of his Demon once more:

“ _I love you, Angel”._


	9. The Words Are True But The Pain Is Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley doesnt remember the words he spoke and it's in Aziraphales hands to tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains a description of a panic attack. Please note that it’s inspired by my personal experiences of a panic attack and it can differ from others.

_The next morning_

_  
_When Crowley woke up, he groaned in pain almost immediately. His head felt like it would explode soon, and he felt his blood throbbing against his skull. His stomach didn’t seem to do better either, contracting every few seconds as if to punish the owner for not bloody sobering up!  
  
Which brought on the question: Why didn’t he sober up yesterday?  
  
He tried to recall the last evening but everything was a bit fuzzy and unclear.   
  
He remembered looking into Aziraphales Memory Chest, that they drank some very good red wine together. He had the vague memory of sitting in Aziraphales lap and kissing, he also knew that he got carried to the bed and was pretty sure that he fell asleep with Aziraphale here.   
  
But said Angel was nowhere to be found, the place next to him felt cold, so Aziraphale must've been up for a while.   
  
He was allowed to leave the bed, it shouldn’t add to the pain of his hangover and yet Crowley felt lonely without his partner. It was after all the first morning since he lived in the bookshop that he awoke alone. And it annoyed him at how upset that fact made him.   
  
Although he wanted to stay in bed and sleep longer, not having the energy right now to miracle his hangover away, he slowly got up from the bed, his legs shaking a little. He made his way to the bathroom and washed his face with cold water, trying to wake up more before deciding to look for Aziraphale.   
  
Needless to say, Aziraphale couldn't find any sleep last night. Crowley had told him he loved him while drunk, while being upset and sad! He feared the conversation that would follow soon, about the possibility that Crowley might want to spend time apart again and although it was selfish, Aziraphale couldn't let him go if Crowley wanted to.   
  
Thinking like that must be wrong and yet he couldn't shake it off, it felt almost possessive!  
  
He had stayed with Crowley all night still, made sure his beloved had a good rest because he suspected the following morning wouldn't be pleasant at all.   
  
But when he saw the sun rising, he carefully slipped out of bed. He had meant to just get a cup of tea and go back but he ended up praying in the small kitchen instead.   
  
He knew that the chances of God answering his prayer was slim, but he was so desperate for her voice, her guidance. He didn’t know what to do, how he was supposed to talk to Crowley about last night. He hoped that Crowley would come for him and not just sneak his way out of the house. Him avoiding Aziraphale felt like the worst possibility ever.   
  
He was lost in his words, so lost in fact that he didn't hear the steps in the hallway, not even with his angelic hearing.   
  
Crowley followed Aziraphales voice towards the kitchen but once he noticed he was praying, he stopped and leaned against the wall next to the kitchen door, watching the Angel that had his back turned to him.   
  
"Mother, please I don't know what to do" Aziraphale prayed again, "All I want to do is make him happy. I know you casted him out, but I could never do the same, he's the one and only for me, I couldn't live without him. I fear that I might lose him in the end, that the scars I left would never heal and I blame no one else but me for it. But please, if you can, help us both, let us stay together. Don't let yesterday break us..."  
  
Crowley frowned, not quite sure of what to make of this. What the hell happened yesterday that made Aziraphale so agitated?   
  
He sneaked up behind his Angels to gently hug him from behind, making him jump a little. He rested his head on top of Aziraphales and rubbed his cheek against those soft blonde locks. "You _do_ make me happy, Angel".

"Crowley" Aziraphale held onto Crowleys arms around his neck and sighed deeply. “You make me very happy as well”.

They stay like that for a moment before Aziraphale seemed to snap back to himself and at the tasks at hand. He turns his head to look up at his Demon as best as he could. “I’m afraid I’ve gotten a bit lost in my thoughts, I’m sorry. I planned to get back to you before you wake up”.

“Was a bit startled” Crowley admits, inhaling Aziraphales sweet scent. “But it’s fine, Angel”.

Aziraphale studied Crowleys face carefully, noticing his brows are knitted together in pain. “My dear, you must feel sick. Why don’t you go back to bed and I’ll bring you some coffee?”.

Crowley nodded lightly, too much movement of his head hurt like hell. “Could you miracle my hangover away too? I feel exhausted”. After a quick moment of thinking he added: “And could you fill me in a little? Everything from yesterday evening is a bit fuzzy in my head”.

Aziraphale tensed up, which Crowley of course noticed but decided not to comment on it. After a few seconds Aziraphale gave a slight nod and Crowley kissed the top of his head before he made his way back to bed, crawling under the blanket.

Aziraphale needed a minute to collect himself before he got up to make the coffee. Crowley doesn’t seem to remember what he said. It could be his chance to escape the possible outcome of Crowley leaving his side for a while; Crowley doesn’t need to know that he told him he loved him. The idea felt like poison in his mouth, he doesn’t want to lie or withhold information from Crowley, especially not something that should be one of the most important and intimate part of their relationship.

No matter how much the fear for this conversation and the consequences of it made his spine shiver in a freezing way, lying to Crowley as a way to protect him felt even worse, somehow. Maybe it’s just the way an Angel is supposed to act, but Aziraphale decided to give Crowley the truth and he trusted God to help them get throught this too, as much as he trusted Crowley to stay with him.

With a steaming mug of coffee in hand, he made his way to the bedroom, smiling softly at the cocoon Crowley had wrapped himself in with the blanket. Crowley poked his head out when he heard the footsteps approaching and returned that smile, groaning quietly as he sat up and gladly accepted the coffee.

“Your head must feel awful, come here” Aziraphale sat down next to him and placed the tips of his fingers against Crowleys temple, on both sides, and let his healing grace flow. Crowley groaned again and leaned into the touch gladly.

“Maybe next time when I tell you to sober up, you’ll listen to me” Aziraphale scolded him a little, concentrating on making his powers reach into the depts of Crowley corperation, making sure that everything is set back to normal before he calmly removed his hands.

“Thanks” Crowley murmured, choosing to not comment, and instead turned his attention to Aziraphale. “Why are you upset? Did I do something?”.

“I’m not upset” Aziraphale countered, the wheels in his head turning to find out how he could handle the situation best. “How much from last night do you remember, exactly?”.

Crowley closed his eyes and focused on the parts of his memory that wasn’t making him dizzy. “We got drunk together and…I felt sad? Something like that and then I was in your lap. I don’t know what I said but I _do_ know that we kissed. You carried me to bed and we fell asleep together”.

Crowley risked a glance into Aziraphales eyes before adverting his again. “I didn’t mean to listen to you pray, I know it’s something intimate for Angels, I’m sorry…But you sounded like something happened and I’m sorry for whatever it was. I won’t do or say it again if it upsets you, just tell me what it was”.

Aziraphale felt his heart constrict in his chest, hating to think that Crowley would never tell him “I love you” again. It made the fear inside him grow stronger and his throat was beginning to close up, everything in him begged him to not say what had happened, but he had made up his mind before and he was going to do this.

“When you sat on my lap, you we’re having some sort of meltdown, telling me you hated being scared and that you just wanted to do the things you wanted…I kissed you before you could tell me something that I knew you didn’t want to say yet…But I failed at that in the end” Aziraphale began to retell the events of last night, already feeling his pulse quickening. 

Crowley raised his eyebrows and put the mug aside, feeling his fingers trembling unpleasantly. “What do you mean?”.

“Do you…” He had to stop for a moment to clear his throat, his voice getting hoarse. “Do you remember saying anything before falling asleep?”.

Crowley shook his head, gripping the blanket harshly to stop trembling, with no success. “What-What did I say?”.

“You told me you _like_ me” Aziraphale started, hesitantly reaching for one of Crowleys hands, both as a comfort for himself and Crowley. “…But you didn’t say _like_ this time”.

“I didn’t say…?!” Crowley was lost to the meaning of that sentence. But then it hit him what Aziraphale was trying to say and he felt all colour draining from his face, his stomach dropping. “I-I-I said-!”.

His head began to spin, his ears started to ring and he felt his heart pounding against his ribcage, as if to _break free and run away._

He jumped up from the bed in panic, feeling like throwing up despite not being sick anymore and stumbled his way over to the bathroom. Despite his bowels not having much content at all, his stomach contracted painfully, and he threw up just as he made it to the never before used toilette.

Aziraphale ran after him, of course, and stayed at his side while the Demon emptied his stomach, trying to comfort him as best as he could with kind words and running his hands over Crowleys tense back soothingly.

After what felt like ages, Crowley stopped vomiting, but he couldn’t get his breathing under control, let alone stand up or even stop his tears from rolling down his cheeks. He crumbled onto the cool floor and shook, feeling like passing out.

Aziraphale didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how he could calm his Demon down. He snapped his fingers and one of the pillows from their bed appeared in his hands and he lifted Crowleys head as gently as he could so he can put it under him. Crowley wept into the pillow and grabbed it as a way to ground himself.

Aziraphale tried to touch him again but Crowley swatted his hands away, not exactly gently, but not harsh either. He just couldn’t handle getting touched right now.

No matter how much he wanted to stay, he knew now that Crowley needed space when he went into this state, and so he reluctantly got up. “I’ll let you calm down, I’m right outside the door, my dearest, I won’t leave you…I _like_ you very much”.

Once Crowley heard the door open and close again, his body went lax from exhaustion, a tremor still roaring through him. Instead of trying to figure out the storm inside his head, he tried to focus on listening to Aziraphales footsteps, trying to make out where he was going, what he was doing. In the end, he heard Aziraphale sitting down right outside the closed door, he had probably gone to retrieve a book or something.

He said he loves him. _He_ said he _loves_ him. While fucking drunk! Right after a meltdown! And he couldn’t even fucking remember saying it!

And Aziraphale is upset because of it. It was hard to fight against the dark voice inside him that tried to convince him that “ _Of course, Aziraphale is upset! You said you love him, no one would ever want to hear that, especially not him, what were you thinking?!”._

He tried to yell back at the voice, Aziraphale is upset because he knew how Crowley would react, how it would make him feel. But his words were riddled with doubt none the less.

This wasn’t how this was supposed to be, not how he imagined the first time he’d say these precious words. It was wrong that he was drunk, that he couldn’t remember, that he now laid on the cold bathroom floor having yet another panic attack.

Right on point when he mentioned the cold floor, his body began to tremble more violently and he let out a huff, still not able to really move despite being very uncomfortable. From the other side of the door was a soft snap to be heard and he felt the familiar weight of the large blanket from their bed over him, providing him warmth.

He let out a breathless sigh and tried to snuggle deeper into the material as best as he could. Every move felt painful, not to mention the pain in his chest. The emptiness, that was halfway filled again at this point, didn’t feel different exactly. He still felt the love that was stored inside it but laid over it was this layer of fear, preventing it from filling more, even trying to make it drain again. He didn’t want it to drain, he didn’t want to hate it, he wanted to cherish the feeling and welcome it. _Vocalize it._

But he couldn’t. No words formed, no sound left his mouth when he opened it and he hated himself even more, feeling ridiculous over his behaviour, being unable to say the words sober, as if that even mattered at this point. That he couldn’t do anything about that fact too made him angry but he couldn’t act upon that anger while barely even able to stay conscious.

Aziraphale leaned against the door cautiously, listening to the sounds Crowley was making to indicate how he was doing. He hated to stay away, it made him feel useless and all he wanted to do was comfort his beloved, tell him that it’s alright and that he was still here for him, that he’ll always be here for him.

The book in his hands didn’t help much. He couldn’t concentrate on the words, couldn’t follow the story line at all, which wasn’t surprising of course, but it made Aziraphale restless, even helpless. Defeated he let out a quiet sigh and tried to think of a way he could help Crowley while he stays out of his space.

“Crowley?” Aziraphale asked for his attention with hesitance. He wasn’t sure if he was right with his intension and just hoped he wouldn’t make things worse. He heard Crowleys breathing hitching. “Y-You seemed to like when I read to you…Would you allow me to do so now?”.

He listened to Crowley struggling to make a sound and his heart broke at the soft whine that came after no success of vocalizing an answer. “Just knock against the floor for ’yes’ or do nothing as a ‘no’”.

Crowley whined again but he managed to softly knock before he melted against the pillow and the floor again, waiting for Aziraphale to start. Listening to him talking would hopefully distract him.

Aziraphale sadly smiled to himself and closed his eyes to collect himself. They can do this, Crowley isn’t shutting him out, _he_ can do this. He forced himself to calm his voice and when he was sure he wouldn’t sound as distraught as he was, he opened his eyes and began to read, keeping his voice levelled as best as he could.

Crowley had managed to get his breathing more or less under control again but the dam that had held his tears back was too broken to be rebuild yet and so he let the tears silently roll down his cheeks into the pillow beneath. Listening to Aziraphales voice helped at least a little bit.

Aziraphale had read to Crowley through the door for a good hour before he noticed that the Demon had been quiet for quite some time now. Once he _did_ notice however, his heart began to pound against his chest in slight panic.

“Crowley?” He tried to get his attention, with no luck. “My dear, I’m opening the door, alright?”.

Again, there was no answer, no sound, and so he slowly got to his feet and opened the door, hoping to be prepared for whatever he would see behind it. He let out a breath of relief when he saw Crowley curled into himself and still on the floor, blanket tightly around him and very much asleep, or maybe more accurately; Passed out.

The pillow underneath his head was stained from the many tears that had fallen and even while sleeping, Crowleys brows were knitted together in a frown, not even able to be fully at ease in the depts of sleep.

Aziraphale couldn’t see him on the cold floor for a moment longer. He got to his knees and gathered Crowley in his arms, hoping that he was so deep under that he wouldn’t wake up, and pressed him against his chest while he brought him to their bedroom. Crowley didn’t wake up, thankfully, but he whined in his sleep, a few tears that had been struck in his long eyelashes slipping free to roll down his tearstained face. The sight made Aziraphale let out a whine of his own and he nuzzled his face softly against Crowleys as he carefully laid him down into their soft bed.

For extra measure, Aziraphale miracled their bed to warm itself up so that Crowley could be as warm and cosy as possible. He stood next to the bed for a while, contemplating on what to do next. Should he leave? Would Crowley still want some space when he wakes up? Or would him not being next to Crowley make him feel worse? Can he hold and cuddle with him?

He wished things wouldn’t be so bad that he needed to even think about these things. He pulled himself out from his thoughts when he saw Crowley moving a little. His right hand was opening and closing, moving from side to side as if he was looking for something. Crowley let out a silent cry which Aziraphale took as his signal and placed his hand in Crowleys. He held onto him and sighed in his sleep, going still wants more.

Crowley had made the choice for him, he couldn’t and _wouldn’t_ go anywhere now. He belonged with Crowley and there was nothing that could change that. He laid down next to the Demon and pulled him into his arms again, gently placing kisses against Crowleys neck and cheek, before nuzzling his nose into the fiery red hair and closing his eyes, feeling sleep pulling at him until he didn’t fight it anymore.

Crowley had expected to wake up on the cold floor in the bathroom with a wet pillow and a blanket, but instead, when he was able to come back to himself a little, he felt very warm. Whatever he was laying on was soft and something was draped over him that distinctly didn’t feel like just the blanket he fell asleep with.

The smell was different too, no soap or the faint gross stank of vomit in a toilette, but the smell of old books, tea and lavender. It was definitely better.

When his senses came fully back to him, he was able to make out the sound of breathing right under his right ear and that finally made him stir and open his eyes. He recognized the bedroom through his blurry vision and he reached up to rub the burn from his eyes. He still felt miserable and exhausted when he realized that what, or rather who, he was laying on was Aziraphale.

It made his head spin for a few seconds, as if waking up with Aziraphale in bed was something new. After what happened, what he assumed was hours ago, this felt too good to be true and although he was always one to ask questions, he didn’t question this and pressed closer to Aziraphale instead, trying to just get back to sleep, with no luck.

Aziraphale woke up half an hour later when he felt Crowley lazily tracing circles against his belly and let out a soft sigh, which made Crowley startle and stop.

“Don’t stop on my account” Aziraphale grumbled, still half asleep, and reached to scratch and pet Crowleys hair, making the Demon let out an involuntary purr.

Crowley began with his ministrations again, trying to focus on Aziraphales hand in his hair to stay calm and not fall back into another panic attack.

After around ten minutes, which Aziraphale used to fully wake up, the Angel decided to get to the problem at hand. “Are you feeling better, my dear?”.

The movements of his fingers against Aziraphales belly stopped for a second before resuming their attention. “A-A little”.

Aziraphale cringed at how hoarse and sad Crowleys voice was, wishing he could just miracle Crowley to be happy again. That’s all he wants; A happy Crowley. “Do you think we can talk about it?”.

He didn’t need to clarify what “it” meant, they both knew. Crowley nodded and nuzzled his face to his Angels chest, trying to hide.

“I’m sorry for freaking out” Crowley murmured against the soft skin of Aziraphales torso, refusing to look at him.

Hiding wasn’t exactly fine with Aziraphale, but he couldn’t bring himself to comment on it. “Don’t apologize, Crowley. I’m just glad you’re still here with me”.

“Where else would I be?” Crowley asked confused.

“Well, I was afraid that you’d leave me for an extended period of time as a way to protect yourself. It would’ve been dreadful but if that’s what you need, then you’ll have it” Aziraphale explained, hoping that Crowley didn’t feel like he was getting accused of running away or anything.

Crowley hummed as a way to communicate that he understood Aziraphales concerns and groaned in annoyance at himself and his feelings. “I’m still sorry. I don’t know why I panic about it, we both _know_ how I feel about you, it shouldn’t be a big deal. And yet my throat closes up when I try to say it now and it feels ridiculous”.

“Your feelings aren’t ridiculous” Aziraphale insisted strongly. “And you don’t need to say these words again if you’re not ready. Even if you never say them again, it won’t change my feelings for you and I deeply hope it won’t change yours, too”.

After Crowley doesn’t reply, Aziraphale decided to be honest about how he felt this morning. “I knew something like this would happen when I tell you. I was thinking about not saying anything, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do that. I hope I didn’t do the wrong thing?”.

“I told you” Crowley groaned, trying to sound teasingly. “You’re an Angel, you can’t do the wrong thing”. Then he added more seriously: “I’m glad you told me. Although I hate that I was drunk the first time I told you these words, and can’t even remember it, it would feel even worse if I didn’t know. So, thank you”.

Aziraphale nodded and felt relief wash over him, thankful to having made the right decision after all.

A thought popped to Crowleys mind then, making him hold into Aziraphale a bit more intently. “Did you say it back?”.

The question unsettled Aziraphale, unsure if his answer was what Crowley was hoping for. Will he be upset that he didn’t tell him he reciprocated? “…No, I did not. It didn’t feel like the right time or thing to do”.

Crowley hesitantly lifted his head to look up at his partner. Aziraphales breath caught when he saw his beloved serpents eyes were red around the edges, he looked so fragile and yet so very beautiful.

“Good. I would’ve jumped right out of that window if you said it and I didn’t remember it” Crowley concluded, managing a weak smile before he dropped his head back down to place a kiss against the hollow of Aziraphales throat.

Aziraphale chuckled quietly and wrapped his arms tighter around his lover. “I will tell you anytime if you’d ask me, as long as you’re ready for it. One day, I hope we can share these words without any fear, my dear”.

“We will, one day we will, Angel” Crowley promised, trying to fight the wave of doubt that hit him afterwards.

And for the first time, he actually won that fight.


	10. Move Forward Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley sets up a training for himself, using his plants and Bentley for practise to later surprise his Angel.

_Two months later_

Crowley had never stared at something so beautiful with so much anger before. The anger wasn’t directed at it, rather at himself. ‘It’ was a picture of Aziraphale, carefully placed at the roots of the gifted apple tree of Eden, who was as confused as a plant can be.

Maybe anger wasn’t the best word to describe the storm that withered inside this Demon; two big scoops of frustration and disappointment, some whipped cream full of desperation and the red, glistering cherry on top was annoyance, forming the dessert of fuckery that filled Crowley right now. All those feelings directed at himself, coldly running down his spine, as if it was the metaphorical sundae itself.

Now why did Crowley feel that way? Over a bloody picture no less, here alone in his flat.

Well, it had begun with an idea that came to his mind around two weeks ago. After the shock over his drunken love confession, although it couldn’t be much of a confession if the receiving end already knew, but he digressed, Crowley and Aziraphale continued living. The bookshop became more and more _their_ home, their relationship became more stabilized, the Kiss-Count-Rule keeping them in check about the speed in which they progressed with. Life was good, not perfect, but _good._

And yet Crowley started to get restless, his desire for _more_ getting unbearable. And what made it worse was the fact that Crowley wasn’t able to tell Aziraphale _these three fucking words,_ sober. It made him furious that his drunk self said it with seeming ease, while his sober self stuttered over the words or broke down entirely. He hated it.

And so, he decided on this plan as a way to train himself to actually say it. If he succeeds – No, _when_ he succeeds, he wants to surprise Aziraphale with it, but that was a long way to go still.

Since that idea formed have two weeks gone by and now he made it to his flat, telling Aziraphale it was for his usual check up and plant care.

So, that brought him to the now, starting at the picture of Aziraphale, smiling so sweetly at him that it made his heart ache. And yet…

“Aziraphale, I…I…” Crowley tried yet again, feeling sweat build around his temples from the stress he put himself under.

It wasn’t working, why wasn’t it fucking working?!

“It’s a bloody picture!” Crowley groaned, letting himself tilt back from the sitting-position he was in, to fall on his back, sprawling out over the concrete floor in the plant room. “A picture! If I can’t even fucking say it to a picture, how am I supposed to _ever_ say it to the real one?!”.

The tree let his leaves rustle softly, as sympathetic as it could. The other plants didn’t budge, too afraid to displease their master and drawing his wrath at them. Little did they know that Crowley wouldn’t do anything, too tired and focused on himself as to act upon their behaviour.

Crowley stared up at the ceiling, frowning at it. “I bet you’re having a big ol’ laugh at me from up there. Why did you make me fall of him anyway?”. After a few beads he added: “Wait, no, I’m not complaining! I’m actually thankful for once…But couldn’t you make it easier for us? Am I asking for too much?”.

He rolled his eyes dramatically. “Of course, I’m asking for too much, you fucking kicked me out because I asked too much”.

As always, the only words that came back were his own that softly echoed back at him from the hallway.

Teeth sunk into his bottom lip, he flexed his hands before balling them into tight fists and pushed himself up again, as if to use the moment of surprise to get himself to utter the words. They were ready at the tip of his forked tongue but once face-to-paper face the words died down again, stuck in his throat.

“Why is this so fucking difficult?!” Crowley let out a defeated huff and grabbed the picture, taking a closer look. “Please believe me, even though I can’t say it, you mean so much to me”. He gently kissed the picture before letting it disappear into the ether for safekeeping.

He took a few calming breaths before getting up to pace, combing thought his hair to keep himself grounded. “Maybe I’m doing this all wrong?”.

He came to a rest in front of the smallest potted plant he owned, looking at it thoughtfully. Maybe, just maybe, if he focused the words towards something else than Aziraphale, he could train himself to tell him sometime in the future.

“Ok, you guys, don’t think too much into this, I’m just using you for training purposes” Crowley glared at his plants before bending down to pick the small plant up. “Ok, I got this, I can do this”.

He cleared his throat before staring directly at the greenery in his hands, noticing the small leaves shaking. “I-I lo-ve you”.

He almost dropped the poor thing when he finally managed to push the words out. It still wasn’t easy but it didn’t unsettle him as much as when he tries to say it to Aziraphale. But he mostly, he felt proud! He did it, he said it! His heart began to pound in his chest and he felt adrenalin rolling over his body.

He put the potted plant back down, which was a bit confused about the change of mood, and he went on to the one right next to it. “I love you”.

And the next one over. “I love you!”.

He went through the room like that, telling every single plant he owned that he loved it (deep down he knew that it was true to some extend, certainly not as much as he loved Aziraphale, but still they were precious to him), growing more and more confident the more he said it.

At last he stood before the apple tree again, smiling proudly, not caring that the plants saw him like this, because if needed he can put the fear of Crowley right back in them. “You know what? With you it might actually be true. I. Love. You!”.

His moment of triumph was short lived however, because he was interrupted by his answering machine going off in the next room over, which startled him.

“…You know what to do, do it with style” finished his own voice before the beep.

“Hello, my dear” Aziraphales voice came through. “I hope I’m not bothering you but you left for your flat a while ago and…Are you alright?”.

Crowley looked at his watch, confirming that he had left around two hours ago, way longer than he usually had for his plant check-up. He sprinted over to his telephone, piking it up just seconds before Aziraphale would’ve hung up.

“Hey Angel!” Crowley breathed into the receiver, coughing at he choked on his words. “Y-Yeah, I’m fine, j-just had a bit of a talk with the plants”.

Aziraphale sighed in relief. “Oh dear, I’m glad. Are they misbehaving?”.

“Got a few…spots while I was away, yeah. I’m done soon and then I’ll come home, alright?” Crowley way surprised at himself to uttering the word “home” so effortlessly. But then again, the bookshop _is_ his home now, isn’t it?

The smile on Aziraphales lips seemed to be visible even just through his voice. “Alright, dear. Be safe, I’m waiting for you”.

“Bye Angel” Crowley smiled too before hanging up. That feeling of having someone at home, waiting for you to come home, _welcome_ you home.

Once again, he sighed to himself and got back to his thoughts.

Alright that was progress, wasn't it? At least he can say the words _at all,_ he just needed to practise a bit more and then he'll be good to go. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully?

When Crowley returned to his plant room he began to do what he came over in the first place: Look after his plants. Watering them, checking their soil and then looking after their health. The few who didn’t seem to appease him were confused, first Crowley told them he loves them and now they're basically scum? But then again, he did warn them about that.

When at last he was finished with his handywork, he took a step back to look over them once more. Even though he was pleased with himself for what he accomplished today, it didn’t change this one thing; He had nothing to show for it to Aziraphale.

It may have been foolish to assume that he could tell Aziraphale “I love you” today, that he'd make so much process in this short period of time. But he _wanted_ to. That seems like his main problem right now; Wanting so much but not jumping over his shadow to actually do anything. Plus Aziraphale is very reluctant to try something new because of Crowley track record of panicking in those situations.

Crowley is glad for that mostly, it hinders them from taking a step back, but sadly also from moving forward sometimes.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized the pattern that made Crowley so uncomfortable; He was mostly the receiving one. That faithful Saturday was all for Crowley, the hand job was _from_ Aziraphale and so much more. Maybe that’s why Crowley likes to kiss so much, because that is something that mostly comes from himself. He suddenly felt like this relationship was kinda one sided. When had Aziraphale been the receiving one?

And so, an Idea began to form, one that he will think through for the rest of the day. As Crowley arrived home, he wished his Bentley goodbye with an “I love you” whispered between them, and if a car could blush, then it would right this second.

“Crowley!” Aziraphale materialized in front of him as soon as he entered, pulling him into a tight embrace.

Crowley reciprocated, hugging just as tightly, and gently pressing a kiss to his Angels temple. “Hey, Angel. Missed me?”.

“Always” Aziraphale assured him as he pulled away, studying his face. Crowley reached up to remove his sunglasses, not needing to be asked for it.

“Dear, are you really alright? You sounded a bit…uneasy during our call? Maybe I’m wrong but…you know” Aziraphale began to fidget with his fingers, shyly looking into golden eyes.

Crowley bit his bottom lip before he pulled his lips into a soft smile. “Everything’s alright, Angel. I promise”.

Aziraphale returned that smile and nodded. “Alright, I trust you, my dear. Now come, I made you a cup of coffee and heated up the blanket on the couch”.

Oh, that sounded nice. Crowley thanked him quietly and followed Aziraphale into the back room, where he sprawled out along the couch, humming in content when Aziraphale draped the blanket over him, snuggling into the heat.

Aziraphale settled into the armchair next to him, gently combing through his hair. With his free hand he reached for the book he was reading and put it back to his lap, starting to read out loud for Crowley to hear and they stayed like that for the rest of the day, right until they went out for dinner.

Later, when they snuggled together in their bed, Aziraphale decided now would be the time to be honest with his worries.

“Crowley? You’re awfully quiet this evening, I can see you’re deep in your thoughts. You know you don’t have to, but would you care to share with me?”.

Crowley snapped out of his mind at that, raising his head that had been resting on Aziraphales chest. “O-Oh, it’s nothing bad, Angel. Just thinking about stuff…us mostly. About how we could progress and…what I want to do”.

Aziraphale raised his eyebrows in interest. “Oh? And what have you found?”.

Crowley blushed furiously, moving into a sitting position and hugging his knees. It made Aziraphale worry even more, but he didn’t comment, waiting for Crowley to say whatever he wanted to say.

“I just noticed that…most of the things we do revolve around me. Like _you_ make me tea or coffee, _you_ reach to hold my hand, _you_ give me massages or groom my wings. And that’s just a few examples” Crowley began slowly, choosing his words carefully.

“And you don’t like that?” Aziraphale asked, feeling his stomach drop. Had he been making Crowley uncomfortable all this time?

Crowley shock his head immediately. “No! I like that, Angel. It’s just that I think it would do good for us if…if I could take care of you for once. I feel comfortable about spoiling you and stuff, I’ve done that for centuries and I _like_ it. So, what d’you think?”.

Aziraphale took a few seconds to process and understand what Crowley was trying to say and hesitantly nodded. “As long as you feel comfortable, my dear. What did you have in mind?”.

He couldn’t hide an excited wiggle, after all he did like Crowleys attention. But after watching Crowleys blush growing even to a deeper shade of red, he wasn’t quite sure anymore.

“Y-You remember that bad Saturday night? The thing we did at the end…” Crowley couldn’t keep eye contact after that, staring down onto the mattress. “What would-would you say if the r-roles were reversed?”.

Aziraphale let his mouth drop open, his face heating up and he must be at least as red as Crowley was now. “Y-You want…what?”.

“You don’t have to” Crowley intervened instantly, feeling uncertain about Aziraphales reaction. “I-I wanted to do…sexual stuff with you for a l-long time. I don’t know if I can compare to any previous encounters you had but…I’d like to please you. And I think if _I_ do it, it won’t end like the last time. I really want to, Angel”.

Aziraphale managed to compose himself again, straightening his back and clearing his throat. “Crowley, I think before we discuss this further, I should tell you that…The only previous encounter I had regarding anything sexual _was_ that Saturday night with you”.

Crowleys head snapped back up, wide eyed and mouth open in surprise. “Y-You…You’ve never…?”.

Aziraphale nodded, a shy smile adoring his lips. “You see, at first I didn’t have any interest in the subject, it didn’t seem like something an Angel should partake in. My mindset had changed sometime ago and although I had offers, there only ever was and will be one being in all of creation that I would even _consider_ for any acts of pleasures of the flesh”.

Crowley frowned a moment before slowly raising his index finger to point at himself, raising his eyebrows in a silent question.

Aziraphale chuckled and rolled his eyes fondly. “Of course, it’s you! Who ever would I choose if not you?”.

“But you joined a discreet Gentlemen’s Club?” Crowley pointed out, not wanting to accuse Aziraphale of lying or anything, but it seemed so unreal.

Aziraphale chuckled softly at the memory. “Yes, I did. You see, I joined because I had watched them dance the Gavotte and it looked like fun. It was only after I joined that I realized these men weren’t meeting here weekly for _just_ dancing. Most offers I received came from these men but again, none of them could replace you, no one _ever_ could”.

“So…Look, I don’t mean to sound _vulgar,_ but what you did to me was, just sexually speaking and ignoring the rest, very, _very_ good” Crowley coughed in embarrassment before he pushed to continue. “Do you…you know, do stuff when you’re a-alone? Because you had to have _some_ idea of what you were doing”.

“I may lack practical experience, both with someone else or with myself, but I have theoretical knowledge from some books I read” Aziraphale explained, laughing at the ‘you’re joking with me?’ look Crowley gave him. “Manipulating my body to reach a hysterical paroxysm-“.

“Masturbating” Crowley interjected.

“-Just didn’t appeal to me, I guess. It still wasn’t _you”_ Aziraphale looked at him with so much adoration that it threatened to make Crowley sick, the kind of sick you get when you overeat yourself on candy, not that he had much experience with that.

A shiver went through his body like a lightning bolt and he slowly let go of his legs pressed against his chest, moving so he sat cross-legged. “You’ve waited for me?”.

Aziraphale nodded but had to watch Crowleys face fall a little, his bottom lip began to tremble, almost unnoticeable, but only almost. “My dear, whatever is worrying you?”.

Crowley sighed, shame threatening to close his throat up. “I-I didn’t…wait, I mean. I’m sorry”.

It wasn’t like Crowley sought out humans to shag on his own will, there were only a few instances of that happening, but as a Demon and servant of hell, there are certain temptations he had to fulfil, if he hadn’t managed to talk himself out of it. He did wonder, however, if he would’ve waited like Aziraphale had, if hell didn’t force him into those acts, or into humans more specifically.

Aziraphale grabbed his hand and smiled fondly at him, no sight of jealously or anger. “You don’t have to apologize, my dear. There is nothing wrong with that, I’m not mad at you for it, I promise”.

It still didn’t shake this feeling of having failed his Angel. But he pushed these feelings aside to concentrate on Aziraphale again, on how good it felt that he didn’t want anyone else but Crowley. “So, will you let me? Not right now, but some time in the near future. I’ll make it all special and romantic and…stuff”.

Aziraphale reached up to gently caress his cheek. “Crowley, it will be special and romantic because it’s _you._ As for my answer, I’m a bit worried and I don’t want history to repeat itself, but I if you promise me that you really want it and that you’re ready, then I’m ready to give myself over to you”.

“I promise. I can’t guarantee that things go perfect, or that I won’t freak out again, but I _want_ this. I want for us to move forward, I want to break free from my fears. For that we need to do new things together, alright?” Crowley licked his dry lips, his stomach fluttering in excitement, the emptiness throbbing slightly as a few drops got added.

Aziraphale grinned and held his pinkie up, looking at Crowley with teasing expectation. Crowley answered by rolling his eyes fondly before hocking his own pinkie to Aziraphales, sealing the promise.

“Do you feel better now?” Aziraphale asked at last, settling back a bit more comfortably.

“Yeah” Crowley yawned, feeling sleepy despite his excitement. “Is it alright if I get some sleep?”.

“Dear boy, you never need to ask” Aziraphale gently but firmly pulled him down to his chest again, encouraging his beloved to make himself comfortable for cuddling.

Crowley lifted his head once more, perching his lips up with closed eyes as an invitation. Aziraphale understood and leaned in, first nuzzling their noses together before pressing his lips to Crowleys, both signing deeply and happily. Kissing always felt so intoxicating and addicting, got better the more they did it and Aziraphale hoped that they would reach a point soon in which the Kiss-Count-Rule didn’t need to be enforced anymore.

Crowley whined quietly when they separated, not opening his eyes as he let his head drop back onto Aziraphales chest, ready to fall asleep.

“Good night, my dear Crowley. I _like_ you so very much” Aziraphale whispered and began to gentle coax Crowley into sleep.

Crowley forced himself not to show his disappointment, trying to focus on the progress he had made today with his plants and car and telling himself, that there isn’t a rush to said it. “I _like_ you too, Angel”.

_A week later_

When Aziraphale got basically pushed out from his bookshop onto the busy streets of Soho, he knew that Crowley wanted to get back on his offer from a week ago, today. They had talked a bit more about Crowleys offer and he had insisted that Crowley shouldn’t push himself too much, that he didn’t need his first sexual experience to be this big thing. But Crowley just shooed that statement away, saying that Aziraphale should just let him take care of things.

The roles being reversed like this felt somewhat new, Crowley being the one “in charge”, so to say, and Aziraphale couldn’t hide his nervous excitement over the situation. But then again, they had spent most of the last 6000 years in these roles, Crowley spoiling Aziraphale at every possible opportunity.

“It won’t take long, Angel, I just need you to leave the shop for maybe an hour or so” Crowley had explained, basically vibrating with joy. It was adorable, to say the least.

He spent that hour walking through Soho, indulging in some window-shopping and visiting the small bakery a block down from the bookshop, getting two pieces of red-velvet cake for them to enjoy afterwards. The closer he got to the bookshop, the more his stomach began to flutter, the more his face began to heat up and the more his hands began to tremble.

It wasn’t like he didn’t _want_ to get be introduced into acts of sexual pleasure and that his first experience with it will be with _Crowley,_ like he always hoped, made his heart pound with joy and proudness. But he still feared that something could go wrong, that Crowley might run out on him again, push him away, worst case for good.

He forced himself to shake these feelings away. He trusts Crowley, he _knows_ him, things may go wrong, but he believed in them to get through it and stay together. After all, it always was like this when something happened, like with the holy water incident. They always found each other.

He took a deep, grounding, breath and opened the front door, feeling somewhat comforted by the familiar little bell above him ringing, announcing his arrival back.

“Welcome back, Angel” Crowley greeted him instantly, gently dragging him further inside.

“Hello, dear. Oh, thank you” Aziraphale smiled softly when Crowley helped him out of his coat, hanging it up with care.

“I see you’ve spent your time well” Crowley grinned, pointing at the bag with the bakery logo on it in his hands. “Felt peckish?”.

“Oh, they looked positively scrumptious! I couldn’t resist” Aziraphale handed the bag over in Crowleys request, watching it disappear via miracle, probably into the small kitchenette upstairs.

Aziraphale felt a bit awkward, not knowing how to proceed, what to say, should he say something?

Crowley knew him well, noting the slight frown and the wringing of his fingers. He gently intervened said wringing by carefully grabbing his hand to hold, letting his thumb slide over his knuckles. “You told me once I shouldn’t think too much. Now it’s your turn, alright? I got you”.

Aziraphale chuckled, trying to listen to his own advice. “I trust you, dear. I’m giving myself over to you”.

Crowley pulled their joined hands to his mouth, placing a tender kiss on the back of his Angels hand. “I trust you too, Angel. Come on, let’s go upstairs”.

Aziraphale didn’t hesitate to follow Crowley, squeezing the Demons hand as a way to keep himself calm despite his nerves trying to get the better of him. What eased said nerves, by distracting him from them, was the faint sound of music that came form the bedroom.

He didn’t know the music, it was a soft and smoothing tune, loud enough to be heard but not to hinder them from talking. When they reached the bedroom, Aziraphale gasped softly.

It was the middle of the afternoon, on a sunny day, but Crowley had drawn the blinds shut. But the room wasn’t dark as night; Crowley hung up fairy lights that went neatly along the seam where the walls met with the ceiling, painting the room in a soft and warm orange tone. Their bed had changed too; the mattress was covered with a new duvet, a light blue one with black and white wings stitched into the fabric. Along the headboard and the wall (The bed is in a corner) laid fluffy looking pillows and big cushions, covered in the same style the duvet has, making it almost look like a nest, looking so very inviting.

Crowley snaked his arms around his waist from behind, kissing his shoulder before resting his chin on top. “What d’you think?”.

Aziraphale rested his arms over Crowleys, holding him tight in case he thought about letting go again. “My dear, you are so very amazing. I thank you already”.

Crowley nuzzled his nose against soft blond curls, humming happily. “Let’s get you to bed”.

Aziraphale reluctantly let his Demon go, talking a seat at the edge of the bed, about to bend down to get his shoes off. But Crowley was faster, going on one knee to untie his shoes and then taking them off, putting them neatly against the side of the nightstand.

He stayed down there for a moment as he reached up to Aziraphales waistcoat, holding the top button between his fingers but not opening it. “You don’t have to get entirely naked, Angel. You don’t have to do anything, but this is a suggestion from me”.

Aziraphale took a shuddering breath before nodding, allowing Crowley to make quick work of his waistcoat and discarding it, getting up to put it on the plush reading chair in the corner.

“Up you go” Crowley teased him, lightly tapping the outside of his thigh to encourage him full up on the bed.

The pillows give him a soft and comfortable place to rest on, wiggling himself further into the material before clasping his hands together on this belly, waiting for Crowley to do whatever he planned.

Crowley frowned at him before shaking his head. “Angel, you’re way to tense. Are you sure you want this?”.

Aziraphale let his hands fall away from the other in favour of grabbing Crowleys. “Just nervous, dear. I don’t know what to expect or if I have to do or say something”.

Crowley sighed dramatically before swinging his leg over Aziraphales waist, climbing on top of him to straddle him. Aziraphale gasped in surprise but smiled when Crowley lead his hands to his narrow hips, wanting him to hold on. And who was Aziraphale to deny him?

Crowley grinned and put his arms around the Angels neck. “Just relax. I’m here to do anything, you should enjoy this, not overthinking”.

“You’re rather confident today, my dear. Not that I complain but I haven’t seen you like this since the apocalypse” Aziraphale squeezed his hips once.

“I’m surprised myself” the Demon admitted, shrugging. “I don’t know. I’m still a bit uneasy about us getting closer again, but I feel like this is so different than what we did before. You said once you want to worship the ground I walk on and I want to do the same for you. I feel like, if I can do this for you, we know how we need to proceed to grow together”.

“I want us to grow too, dearest. I’m ready for us to begin” Aziraphale gave him a confident smile, daring to wiggling his hips slightly.

“One more thing” Crowley grinned, wiggling his hips back, making his Angel gasped. “Can we ignore the Kiss-Count-Rule? I want to kiss you through this, I want to be this close to you, Angel”.

Still a bit out of it from that short stab of desire Crowley had inflicted with his hips, he dared even further. “Yes, fuck the rule”.

Crowleys mouth flew open in disbelieve. “Angel!”.

They fell into a fit of laughter after that, comfortable and contained until almost like two magnets, their lips found each other in a soft kiss. Lips sliding against each other, Crowley rolled his hips with expert ease, beginning to work Aziraphale up.

Said Angel gasped and broke away from the kiss in shock, staring down at his groin that had started to tingle pleasantly, feeling his cock begin to harden. “Oh dear, that was fast”.

Crowley threw his head back in a low chuckle, rolling his hips once more. Being in charge like this felt really good, being the one with experience. “If you do it right, then things can happen really fast, yes”.

And he was doing it right apparently, judging by the bit off sounds his Angel was making beneath him. He didn’t even touch him skin-to-skin yet and Aziraphale already closed his eyes, lost in pleasure.

Aziraphale didn’t expect this to come so naturally. Whenever he read about it, it sounded to be complicated, so many things to do wrong or miss, so much to think about. But he felt his body responding to Crowley without him thinking about it, his hips twitching and tilting up to meet Crowleys movements. He also began to feel hot and of course his darling Crowley knew this, reaching to his bowtie to undo it before moving on to the bottoms of his shirt, opening it up and pushing it aside. There was still his undershirt in the way, but Crowley didn’t undress him further yet.

Aziraphale let out an involuntary whine when the sweet pressure of Crowleys hips was gone, his eyes opening embarrassingly fast.

“Shhh, Angel” Crowley shushed him gently, settling to his side. “I’m right here, we’ll continue soon”. He leaned up to kiss him again, Aziraphale experiencing a new sort of _hunger_ that he didn’t know existed but wondered how he ever lived without it.

His torso felt tight and warm, so he pushed himself up to shrug free from his shirt and then discarding his undershirt, not happy about having to break apart from Crowleys hips. Crowley himself was surprised at how fast Aziraphale had gotten into this, pleased out of his mind as it seems. But then again, it was the first time the Angel felt this sort of earthly pleasure.

Crowley gently but firmly pressed him back against the pillows, leaning in for another short peck before glancing down at the bulge in Aziraphales pants. “Poor Angel, your friend must be uncomfortable”.

“Crowley” Aziraphale whined again, looking down at the bulge too, interested in this new feeling. “This does feel uncomfortable! It a-aches without your pressure on it, n-not to mention the way it pushes against my p-pants”.

“I’ll make it feel good again, don’t you worry” Crowley promises with a purr, ducking down to kiss the Angels neck while his hand wanderers south to open the zipper up, listening to Aziraphale sighing as some discomfort was taken care off.

Aziraphales breath hitched when he felt Crowleys hand sliding towards his underwear, the very tips of his fingers coming to rest at the waistband. “Are you ready for me to touch you, Angel?”.

This must be cruel, forcing Aziraphale to say the words out loud but it only fuelled his arousal. “Y-Yes, _please”._

With that the hand dipped inside, fingers curling around his hard cock and pulling it out, making him hiss as the heated flesh was met with the cooler air of the room. Crowley pressed their lips together once more and with slow and controlled movements, began to stroke. His thumb swept over the slit, gathering the drop of precome and spreading it.

That was enough to break Aziraphales last restraint to try and keep up his modesty. One hand fisted itself in the duvet, twisting it harshly, the other flew up to grab Crowleys hair for support and keeping the Demon close, earning him a groan from the latter. He also got more vocal, moaning and whining into their heated kiss and his hips thrusting up into the grab of Crowleys fist.

Oh, and then Crowley started to whisper to him, lulling him in with his words. “You’re doing so good, Angel. It feels so amazing to feel you moving in my hand, I can’t _wait_ to give you your first orgasm”.

With that, since he really couldn’t wait, he doubled down on his efforts, moving a bit faster, gathering more precome to slick the way and give his Angel an easy slide to get off to. What had done him in was the gentle bite of his bottom lips.

“C-Crowley!” with _his_ name on his lips, Aziraphale came, white streams of come painting his chest as Crowley helped him ride out his very first orgasm. Unconsciously the hand in the fiery red hair tightened its grip, making the owner of said hair groan out and shiver in pleasure and then sigh. Good thing he wasn’t sporting any effort at the moment (He wanted to be on the safe side of things).

Aziraphale was catching his breath, leaning into the lips that pressed against his heated cheek.

“There, Angel. Can you let me get up?” Crowley whispered sweetly into his ear, slowly crawling out of bed as Aziraphale let his hair go.

Crowley returned with a warm washcloth, kissing his Angels forehead before he began to clean him up, careful with the sensitivity of his skin now. When he was pleased with his work, he looked up to meet hooded blue eyes and a soft smile.

“Enjoyed yourself?” Crowley grinned at him smugly, yelping in surprise when Aziraphale, far faster than he thought he’d be while still in his afterglow, grabbed him and pulled him back to bed. Crowley landed on his back, giggling up at the Angel that crawled over him.

Aziraphale couldn’t help himself and covered his face in kisses, savouring the giggles and snorts that came from his most beloved.

“You made me feel so good, my dearest boy” Aziraphale grinned down at him, placing a last kiss on his lips before he sat back up, allowing Crowley to do the same.

The Principality let out an exhausted huff. “I didn’t think this would tire one out like that”.

Crowley chuckled and pressed him back down to lay amongst the pillows. “Yeah, most people sleep afterwards but if you can manage, I’d like to talk first”.

Aziraphale nodded, settling back opening his arms, silently asking for cuddles. Crowley complied and snuggled into the embrace, taking a deep breath of Aziraphales scent.

“Angel, I’m so happy that we did that” Crowley admitted, squeezing Aziraphales middle affectionately. “I’m proud that I made you feel good and I think we did something important for us today”.

“I agree” Aziraphale bit back a yawn. “I feel like we’re even closer now. I hope we could try this again sometime…and maybe we could try to reserve the roles again?”.

“I think that may take a bit of time still but I don’t think it will be a problem forever” Crowley answered, feeling his heart hammer against his rips as the emptiness inside him filled once more, spreading warmth and comfort through him.

“No matter what, I _like_ you so very much” Aziraphale couldn’t hold back the yawn that time and Crowley chuckled.

“I _like_ you too, so deeply, Angel. Now how about we take a nap?” Crowley asked, but received no answer, besides the soft snore above him and he settled back and closed his eyes, feeling happy and content to fall into peaceful sleep.


	11. A Home Of Our Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are changing for the better, even if not as smoothly as they wished.

_One month later_

Things have been good since that day. Crowley was even more relaxed and confident now, as long as he was the one setting the pace and initiate whatever they were doing. He still struggled a bit when Aziraphale showered him with his attention, but he was getting better at it and working through his fears and the trust between them grew stronger with each passing day.

While Aziraphale relished everything they had accomplished together, he still worried, he feared he would always worry about his Demon. To his displeasure, he noticed that Crowley tended to stay over at his flat longer now, the visits in general getting more frequent. He never slept over at the flat, he always came home to him, but it still made him feel like he’d done _something,_ why else would Crowley willingly extend their time apart?

When questioned about it, Crowley explained that his plants needed more attention, they´re “slacking off” without having him around so much and he simply couldn’t allow that. Once again, Aziraphale offered to get the plants over to the bookshop but Crowley declined politely.

It felt like he was missing something, or maybe Crowley was hiding something from him and he couldn’t for the life of him decide which option was worse.

He even started to go crazy, he feared. Just a week before, he could _swear_ he heard Crowley whisper “I love you” to his Bentley when they came back from the Ritz. But that was ridiculous, given that Crowley made it clear he _couldn’t_ say these words yet, and to his _car_ no less.

At least today he had something to distract himself with, or so he thought. A few days ago, he received a letter from an elderly gentleman named Mr. Crawford. The man apparently is a collector of sorts and owned a rather rare book he wanted to sell, one which Aziraphale had on his list to buy for _years._ He had heard of Aziraphales bookshop and figured he would be interested in buying and so asked to meet today at St. James Park for the exchange.

But the man never came, leaving Aziraphale to pounder to himself for a while before he decided to go home. He hoped the man didn’t fall ill or anything, but he was still annoyed and a bit disappointed to not having received the book. Oh well, nothing to do about that now.

When he entered his home, he let the door behind him fall shut with a bit more force, wanting to get some of the tension out. “I’m back, Crowley!”.

He shrugged out of his coat and went over to the clothing rag to hang it up, complaining to Crowley, who surely had to be somewhere around here. “Can you believe it, Mr. Crawford didn’t show up! I was so excited for that book and now-!”.

His ranting was interrupted when he turned, and his head collided with a red balloon. He frowned at the object. “Crowley? Are we celebrating something?”. No answer.

By closer inspection he noticed something attached via a cord to the floating balloon. He grabbed it and dragged it up to his eyes. It was a picture of a beautiful little cottage, seemingly in the middle of nowhere, but it looked a bit like the South Downs, if he wasn’t mistaken. But he hadn’t visited that part of the UK in a while, so he couldn’t be sure.

When he looked past the balloon, he noticed it wasn’t the only one. Scattered all around the bookshop were red balloons, attached to each was another picture. He went to the next one.

It was a big garden, full of greenery and beautiful flowers and trees. It even had a small patch for growing herbs and vegetables. Surrounding it was a short white wooden fence, a gate in the far back, leading towards the seashore behind the garden. It looked like something Crowley would enjoy immensely.

The next picture seemed to be inside the cottage’s simple kitchen. There wasn’t much to see besides a modern coffee machine which seemed to be able to also boil water and what looked to be different kinds of tea, neatly put on top the marble kitchen counter.

The next balloon held a picture of the living room. It had big sliding door windows, giving the room some natural light and a few to the garden and sea. It also had a fireplace that made Aziraphale daydream about him and Crowley cuddling close to the fire on snowy winter days, his darling could get cold so quickly during that time of year.

He moved on to the next one, gasping softly at the picture that showed a big empty library. For the size of the cottage itself, it seemed to be huge! The bare shelfs would definitely be able to hold his entire collection and _still_ have space left for him to fill.

He started to wonder who this cottage belonged to and why ever his bookshop was filled with pictures of it in the first place but was intrigued to continue.

As he continued to follow the balloons, first looking at a beautiful wooden staircase that lead to the second floor and then a bathroom, walls painted it a soft blue shade and having a big clawfoot bathtub, he finally reached what seemed to be the last picture.

It was the bedroom, bare expect for a king-sized bed and one painting above it. The bedframe and duvet are black and the blanked and pillows white, instantly reminding him of Crowleys and his own wings. The painting was what brought tears to his eyes; It showed two figures, one in white robes, the other in black, standing on top a wall. The white figure held his wing over the black one, shielding it from the oncoming rain. It was them.

The floor behind him creaked and he turned around to face Crowley, standing there with a soft blush over his cheeks. In his hand he held out two items; In his left hand the book Aziraphale was hoping to buy from Mr. Crawford today. And in his right hand a single key.

It finally clicked in the Angels mind and his hands flew up to cover his mouth in blissful shock, tears glimmering in his blue eyes.

Crowley shyly smiled at him. “I-I’m sorry about the Mr. Crawford business. I just needed you to leave without getting suspicious. I got your book though, don’t worry”.

Don’t worry?! The book wasn’t worth the least of his thoughts right now!

Seeing that Aziraphale wouldn’t, or rather couldn’t, speak up, Crowley cleared his throat and held the key out a bit further towards his partner and best friend. “I hope you like it, I-I think you will. I just thought…I mean it’s-!”.

Aziraphale lunched forward and pulled Crowley into a tight and tearful hug, earning him a surprised yelp.

“A home of our own!” Aziraphale finished for Crowley, sobbing shamelessly. Hopelessly overwhelmed with joy.

Crowley nuzzled their noses together, smiling brightly as tears fell down from his golden eyes too. “Yeah”.

Aziraphale nuzzled back before smashing his lips insistently on Crowleys, who reciprocated just as eagerly, happy that his Angel was as happy as himself. They parted shorty after, breathless but still smiling at each other.

“Can we sit down and talk?” Crowley suggested, helping his overwhelmed Angel to take a seat on the couch, placing the book and key on the small table in front of it.

He tried to get them some tea but Aziraphale threw his hands around his middle, refusing to let him go. “You stay right here, you beautiful, darling, sweet Demon! I won’t ever let you go again!”.

It was a bit much to take in all at once, still very endearing though, and Crowley managed a shy chuckle. “T-That’ll be really impractical, Angel”.

He let himself be dragged to sit next to Aziraphale anyway, throwing and arm over his shoulders and encouraging his Angel to snuggle closer.

Aziraphale finally managed to calm down a bit, his mind catching up to the things he said. “Oh, I’m sorry! I know you struggle when I compliment you too much, are you alright?”.

Crowley laughed and squeezed his shoulders. “Am _I_ alright? Angel, you looked like you’d pass out soon”.

Aziraphale joined the laughter, leaning up to kiss Crowleys cheek. “I’m just so very happy, Crowley. I didn’t expect this at all! Thank you, my dear”.

“Yeah, well” Crowley cleared his throat, his blush intensifying. “I-I’m ready for the next step. Living with you here in the bookshop wasn’t easy for me at first, I’ll admit, but it turned out so well. I don’t ever want to live without you. The cottage stands in the South Downs, I had my eye on it for far longer than I want to admit. W-We don’t have to move in right away, or at all if you don’t like it or want something else. I know the bookshop means a lot to you…”.

“Crowley” Aziraphale gave him a scolding look. “Of course, I want to move into the cottage with you. Yes, this bookshop is dear to me, but my priority is always _you._ I want a home of our own too, it looks perfect”.

Crowley let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and sighed with his next, his shoulders relaxing. “Great, I’m glad you like it too”.

“One question though” Aziraphale pointed towards the last balloon. “The painting in the bedroom, who made it? It looks amazing!”.

“Ngk!” Crowley shifted in his seat, embarrassed but still proud. “T-That would be m-me”.

“You?!” Aziraphale gasped. He knew Crowley had a very creative and sometimes even artistic mind, but he never thought the Demon would try his hand in the arts of painting. “You’re brilliant, Crowley! Oh, I _like like like_ you so much!”.

Crowleys whole physique softened on adoration for this adorable Angel. “I _like_ you too, my sweet Angel”.

Another kiss, which lead to more and more kisses and at the end, they began to talk about their move together, how to decorate their new home, and generally just dreaming about their soon to be future in their cottage.

The next month is filled with them packing their belongings and beginning to move the first things into their cottage. Crowley had sold his flat soon after their decision to move, miracling the plants and everything else that held a value to him, like his throne or the painting of the Mona Lisa, over to the new place.

The first time they went to the cottage together, Aziraphale busted out in tears of joy, which had the same effect on Crowley.

The very first thing they did was plant their apple tree of Eden in their new garden. It was a symbol of them growing their roots here, _staying here._

The “small” apple tree wasn’t quite small anymore and Crowley was looking forward to giving it more space to grow. The direct sunlight will also improve the health of the tree and he hoped to soon having their very first self-grown apples.

“I found a book about baking while packing, maybe there is a recipe for an Apple tart?” Aziraphale suggested, already licking his lips only by thinking about it.

Crowley made a scandalized sound, opening his mouth way wider than humanly possible in a silent gasp. “But then I’d have to throw you out of our own garden!”.

That was their first shared laughing fit in their new home.

The bookshop was getting progressively emptier, Aziraphale making sure to think carefully about which books to send over first. Now there were finally at the point in which they could safely say in the next few days they would move out. The shop only held the essentials and the few boxes that were left would come along with them when they waved London goodbye.

Crowley was busy upstairs, gathering the last of their belongings in the boxes while Aziraphale did the same downstairs, ever so often getting lost in a book he would reread, having forgotten about it and happy to revisit again.

That was when the front door opened, which should’ve been miraculously closed, and a warning over an ethereal being began to ran down his spine, ice cold.

“Ah, I see it is true then, you’re leaving London” came the familiar voice then.

Crowley jumped up when he heard something crash downstairs and went to the railing of the second floor, staring down at Aziraphale, wings outstretched for intimidation, which had knocked over a lamp next to him. Standing in front of him stood none other than the Archangel fucking Gabriel.

“You are not welcomed here!” Aziraphale made clear immediately, glaring at his former boss.

Gabriel shrugged and casually looked around the almost empty shop. “That may be so, but unfortunately _you_ are, somehow, still an Angel and a traitor, falling under my department, _my_ problem”.

“I have no business left with you or heaven! Leave!” Aziraphale demanded, seeing Crowley hovering over them from the corner of his eyes.

“I’m afraid not yet” Gabriel denied, nodding towards the Principalities wings. “So hostile against your own kind, but I guess it’s understandable after all that happened. I came here to tell you that heaven can not allow you to leave London”.

Aziraphale scoffed. “And why would I care what heaven wants?! Crowley and I are no longer working for heaven or hell”.

Lightning crackled outside, implying Gabriels upcoming rage and irritation. “This fallen beast is none of my business! _I_ need to keep my eyes on you, making sure you’re not stirring up trouble again, and that is easier with _you here!_ Headquarters is right above, I won’t have to search for you!”.

Crowley swallowed, transfixed on the, until now, verbal fight. He felt his knees shaking, he knew he saw Gabriel that time in the park. They _were_ watching them still.

“While we talk about Crowley” Gabriel continued, unaware of the latter watching them. “Fraternizing with a creature of hell?! That’s low, even for an Angel like you. It still surprises me that God hadn’t decided to make you fall yet! Let alone punishing that Demon for corrupting you!”.

‘Fraternizing’. That hurt Crowley deeply, cutting open the old wound, which Aziraphale knew and it made him furious.

The thunder outside grew stronger as Aziraphale took a step closer, rage in his eyes and ready to burst.

“You dare to threaten me?!” Aziraphales voice shook the walls, making Gabriel realize that he may have made a mistake there. “And _my_ Demon?!”.

Gabriel still couldn’t stop, even though he should have. “ _Your_ Demon? Oh, come on. I saw the pictures, you and that Demon holding hands and acting like bloody humans! What did he tell you? That he _loves_ you?! A disgusting-!”.

Aziraphales usual eyes glowed white while the ones on his true form appeared all over his body and wings, all glaring at the Archangels. Before Gabriel could react to it, Aziraphale lunched forward and grabbed him by the throat, holding and pressing him to the nearest wall with just one hand.

“I think you’re forgetting something here, _Archangel”_ Aziraphale growled, watching Gabriel go pale. “ _You_ are a messenger, the heavenly equivalent to a postman! _I_ am a Principality, a guardian and protector, a _warrior!_ Immune to hellfire and with a Demon by my side who can set you aflame! And you threaten me and _my partner?!_ You and I both know you don’t stand a chance in a fight!”.

Lean arms came around him from behind, gently pulling him back. “Enough, Angel. He can’t do anything”. Crowley.

Aziraphale let Gabriel drop to the floor while he retreated by Crowleys demand. With his throat free, the Archangel could finally scream out in pain, recoiling even further and looking franticly for the reason he felt like his body was exploding. His bloodshot purple eyes landed on the accessory Crowley wore around his wrist, seeing it glow.

“Y-You give a-a warding spell f-for Angels, to a Demon?! Are you mad?!” Gabriel pressed against the wall as he got up, trying to keep far away enough to not be affected by the bracelet. “If he runs t-to hell with that, h-heaven is doomed!”.

Crowley finally had enough of him. He took a step closer, satisfied by watching Gabriels face crunch up in pain. “I. Don’t. Fucking. Work. For. Hell! Get the _fuck_ out before we discorporate you!”.

Finally getting the message, the Archangel went back to heaven with his tail between his legs but couldn’t escape discorperation after all, since his body took too much damage and the transportation miracle gave him the rest. Too bad for him (not really).

When Crowley turned back to Aziraphale, he still saw the rage in him, not directed at him but at Gabriel, of course. The flames of a Principality burned highly in each eye and Crowley sighed before approaching his Angel.

“It’s ok. He’s gone and we’re both safe” Crowley crooned, his hands reaching up to be placed on both angelic cheeks. “Thank you for protecting me”.

Aziraphale gave a pained-like whine, trying to calm down but seemingly unable to do so just yet. Crowley leaned towards him, gently kissing his lips, then his forehead. Slowly and carefully he kissed each eyelid, making Aziraphale relax with each one closing under the tender attention until all extra eyes stayed closed before disappearing, leaving him with his usual two.

When at last they looked at each other again, Aziraphales eyes having their normal blue colour again, they hugged. Aziraphales wings coming around them, shielding them from the outside world.

“Better?” Crowley whispered, closing his eyes to savour this feeling.

“Yes” Aziraphales voice was hoarse but soft. “Thank you, dearest”.

Crowley tried to lighten the mood a little, chuckling quietly. “Can I say it was really hot seeing you almost kill an Archangel for me?”.

Aziraphale weakly chuckled back, the embrace getting tighter. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I just couldn’t listen to the rubbish he said, let alone threaten _us_ and our future”.

“It’s alright, Angel. You know, hearing you say you’d stand in front of Gabriel and still staying by my side and actually _seeing_ you do it…I gotta say, I feel honoured” Crowley kissed his throat before nibbling at the skin there, feeling the urge to mark his precious Angel.

Aziraphale sighed deeply, kissing Crowleys hair. “I’d rather walk through hellfire before I’d let _anyone_ hurt you”.

“And I’d first swim through holy water before someone touches you” Crowley replied, retrieving from the hug slightly to look back at Aziraphale.

“Now I really want us to move into our new home” Crowley smiled, if a bit sadly. They didn’t want their last memory of this place to be about fighting an Archangel, even if they won.

“I’m sorry, Crowley. We shouldn’t be disgusted out of this place that holds so many important memories to us” Aziraphale looked near tears, guilt in his eyes, as if it was _his_ fault that Gabriel came for them.

Crowley felt his heartbeat quickening as an idea popped into his mind, one he wasn’t quite sure if he was ready for, but desperately wanted to do it anyway, it just felt like the right moment.

He grabbed Aziraphales face again, said Angel going quiet when he saw the serious look on his partners face.

“I want to confess something” Crowley started, feeling like he should tell him about his training first. “For the last few weeks, I have been training myself to tell you these three special words, telling them to my plants or even my damn Bentley” he chuckled nervously, seeing a glimmer of realization flashing over Aziraphales face. “I want to be honest with you, I’m not really good at this. I tried to say it to a picture of you but only made it once so far”.

“C-Crowley, you don’t need to” Aziraphale insisted, pretty sure where this was going.

Crowley nodded, biting his bottom lip, determent. “I know. I probably won’t be able to say it again for a while after this and I still can’t hear you tell me the same, but I don’t care. I want to give us a _good_ last memory of this place before we leave, alright?”.

Aziraphale already felt tears form in his eyes, his brave most beloved Demon. He sniffled and nodded, leaning his forehead against Crowleys and closing his eyes, waiting patiently.

Crowley took a deep breath, closed his eyes too and said it, his voice wavering slightly, but way less than when he had practiced it: “Aziraphale, I…love you”.

Both sobbed out after that, falling back into each others arms and saving this last beautiful memory of _their_ bookshop before leaving for their new life and home.


	12. The Life We Built

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of events during their first year of living in their cottage.

Day #1

Crowley pressed his eyes closed to the point of seeing stars before he finally gave up, he wasn’t going to fall asleep. It wasn’t that he wasn’t tired, he really was after the exchange with the Archangel just two days before, but he just couldn’t find sleep that night.

It was the very first night Aziraphale and him spend in their new home, their new bedroom and of course bed itself. It was so exciting, exhilarating and yet a bit terrifying. Crowley didn’t regret this decision, per say, but it was still a big step in their relationship, not to mention what happened during the last days of living in the bookshop. The future felt uncertain, but it shouldn’t feel like that. They would live here forever, or at least if they didn’t feel the need to move somewhere else, stay together for eternity and just _live._ They both wanted that, didn’t they? And yet Crowley couldn’t shake the feeling that it was too good to be true. He wondered if that mindset would ever change.

Aziraphale was asleep, cuddled up to his back as the big spoon, one arm lazily thrown over Crowleys waist to hold him. Crowley knew he tended to move around when he grew restless and decided to climb out of bed as to not disturb Aziraphale. He made it to the edge of the bed, sitting up and rubbing his eyes before the arm that he just sneaked away from was thrown around his waist again, pulling him back until he landed on his back with a startled yelp.

Aziraphales head appeared above him, a teasing smile on his lips. “Can’t sleep either, can you? And you just want to leave me alone in our bed, you sly devil?”.

“To be fair, I thought you were asleep, Angel” Crowley countered and turned the lamp on the nightstand on with a quick flick of his wrist.

“I thought _you_ were asleep, dear” Aziraphale shrugged before helping Crowley up to sit next to him in bed. He reached up to tenderly brush a strain of red hair, which had grown a bit longer during the last weeks, behind his ear, letting his hand rest on Crowleys cheek. “Are you alright?”.

Crowley sighed and laid his own hand over Aziraphales, pressing it harder against his face, closing his eyes and rubbing his cheek against the soft skin. “Yeah, just thinking too much again, not important”.

“Nonsense” Aziraphale interjected softly. “Tell me what’s on your mind, dearest”. Pet names such as “dearest” or “Sweetheart” were alright now, with moderation. Too much made Crowley uncomfortable but hearing these endearments _sometimes_ made it like a special occasion for him.

“I feel like I’m overreacting again” he confessed, refusing to open his eyes just yet. “Like, you _know_ this was a dream of mine for so long, but now I’m scared that I’ve made a mistake, even though it isn’t, that without the option of me just moving back to my flat, you’ll get tired of me or something”.

“I have similar concerns, if I’m being honest” Aziraphale let his thumb rub along Crowleys cheekbone. “I know that you cope with our problems by putting space between us, be alone for a few hours and think, which is fine, dear, please don’t ever think I would stop you from what you need. But I fear that if something happens, you won’t have that space you need. Sure, you can go into another room or something but what would you do if that wasn’t enough? Back in London you had your flat as a last resort but here…”. He trailed of; both knew what he meant to say.

Crowley tentatively opened his eyes. “W-Would you want me to have another place for myself?”.

Aziraphale shock his head with a sad smile. “No, I don’t. But that would be selfish, because if that’s what you _need,_ who am I to deny it to you?”.

“What I _need_ , Angel of _mine_ , is you” Crowley reminded him softly. “I don’t want another place _either._ I think we’re both overthinking”.

They shared a quiet chuckle at that, Aziraphale combing his hand through the auburn locks. “Sadly, we seem to be rather good at that. I guess it’s normal to worry, especially after taking a new step like this. But just for the record; I promise, I would never get tired of you, darling. Maybe a bit annoyed sometimes, and I’m afraid we won’t get around having arguments, but I don’t ever want to leave your side again”.

Crowley felt the knots in his stomach loosen a little, letting him breath easier. “No, arguments are a normal thing to expect in any relationship, but we have still stayed connected for 6000 years, no matter how big of a fight we had before. And I can promise you, that even if I need some space sometimes, as long as you still want me, I’ll always come back”.

They smiled at each other lovingly, simultaneously leaning towards the other to seal the promises with a tender kiss. Which brought Crowley to another point that should be discussed.

“One more thing” he grinned after their kiss broke apart. “Now that we live together, like permanatly, could we put the Kiss-Count-Rule to rest?”.

Aziraphale bit his flush bottom lip, brows knitting together in worry. “Are you sure? Because it would mean that _I_ would kiss you at any chance I get, and I don’t mean to overwhelm you with it”.

The Demon rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Yes, that sounds terrible”.

“I’m serious, Crowley” Aziraphale remarked, if flustered. “You know how terrified I am of making that mistake again”.

“Yes, I know. Look, do you trust me?” Crowley asked, taking hold of both his hands.

Aziraphale nodded urgently, squeezing Crowleys hands. “With my life!”.

Crowley smiled, the emptiness filling that little bit more. “Then you’ll just need to trust me to tell you when it’s too much for me”.

The Angel managed a smile and nodded again, sighing with relief. “You’re right. Alright, if you want it too, then I hereby declare the Kiss-Count-Rule to be invalid”.

“Great” Crowley grinned happily, then being surprised by the change of mood as in the very next moment he had a lap full of Angel, but he couldn’t complain (even if he wanted to) as his lips were captured in another kiss.

“Just *huff* wanted to test it” Aziraphale teased, a little out of breath, but Crowley saw the worry that his Angel tried to hide behind his words. The Demon knew what to do.

“You’ll hear no complaining from me” he grinned back just as teasingly before his hands slid from brought angelic shoulders down to said Angels round bottom, grabbing and squeezing each cheek through the pyjamas.

Aziraphale jumped with a yelp he tried to bite down with no success. “You naughty Demon!”.

Crowley looked up at him as innocently as he could. “No idea what you’re talkin’ about, Angel”.

* * *

Day #53

“This is just unacceptable, Aziraphale!” Crowley growled at him.

“I simply forgot” Aziraphale mumbled under his breath, crossing his arms.

Crowley shock his head, playfully disappointed. “How can an _Angel_ forget about his own wings? Whatever, come on, show them”.

Aziraphale glared in response. “No! You’ll make fun of me again”.

Crowleys hard façade softened and he gently pulled Aziraphales hands free to hold them. “I’m sorry, Angel. I didn’t mean to upset you, I was only joking around”.

Aziraphale tried to keep up with his stern face but it was a fight he was destined to lose. How could he be angry with this sweet Demon in front of him, trying to help? He let his white wings spring free from the ether, loose feathers and plumage erupting in all directions and slowly gliding towards the floor. Aziraphale couldn’t stifle the whine of discomfort that came from it.

They looked even worse than Crowley had expected. It was a common fact that Demons looked after their wings far more often and more precise than Angels did. Crowley groomed his own at least once a month, to the best of his abilities. Aziraphale had helped him lately, which was the reason this topic came up in the first place.

The last time he saw them, during their fight with Gabriel, his mind was occupied with said fight, so it was no wonder he hadn’t noticed the state they were in. Well, not anymore, so long as Crowley had a say in it.

“Alright, now that I know what I’m working with, can I groom them?” Crowley asked carefully, not wanting to upset his Angel again.

Aziraphale sighed, he knew they needed it. His wings felt awful like this, Crowleys hands on them would surely help with that. “If you would be so kind?”.

Crowley snarled about the word ‘kind’ but didn’t comment further, positioning himself behind his Angel to get to his wings. At the first contact Aziraphale tensed up with a yelp, not out of pain, but out of surprise. Something was different.

Heat rose to his cheeks and he turned towards Crowley, almost hitting him with his wings in the process. “W-What did you just do?!”.

Crowley raised his hands in defence. “Nothing new! I just touched your wings, are you alright?”.

Aziraphale trusted Crowley, no question about that, but what just happened?! Slowly he pulled his right wing forth, silently asking Crowley to touch it again. Upon contact Aziraphales hand flew up to cover his mouth as he whined out, heat spreading over his whole body.

Something seemed to click in Crowleys mind, taking his hand down again. The Angel watched how the golden eyes trailed over his body, lingering in his crotch for a while. “I think I know what’s going on, Angel”.

“Tell me then!” Aziraphale pulled his wings around himself, embarrassed of the way Crowley looked at him.

“Remember what happened when you groomed my wings on _that_ Saturday? I think you’re experiencing the same thing” Crowley explained, biting his lips almost _sinful._

Finally able to name that feeling, having only experienced it once before, the Angel pulled the wings tighter around him, mumbling a quiet “ _Oh”._

“Hey, it’s alright” Crowley promised him, voice soft and soothing. “Wing grooming feels _very_ different now that we’re romantically involved, right?”.

“This is embarrassing” Aziraphale groaned, lifting one wing to look at Crowley. “What should I do?”.

Crowley shrugged, smiling reassuringly. “Depends on what you want, Angel. I can leave so you can calm down before you’re getting hard”.

“But it already started, Crowley” Aziraphale informed him, risking a quick glance downwards to the tent that began to build in his pants.

Now Crowley knew what he was about to do was a bit cruel, but he just couldn’t miss this chance to tease a bit. “So, you mean, you’re already having a boner?”.

“Crowley” Aziraphale warned him.

“A stiffy?”.

“Crowley!”.

“Your cock is on full salute?”.

“I’m warning you!”.

“Have some wood in need of polishing?”.

“You better watch that tongue, Crowley!”.

“I know something better to do with my tongue”.

Now that last one was involuntarily, even Crowley was shocked that he said it. “S-Sorry, Angel, I just teased”.

But when he looked into those blue eyes, he saw desire and interest there, bare only for him to see and a smirk formed on his lips. “Oh, would you like that, Angel?”.

“I-I don’t know what you’re implying” Aziraphale sputtered out, both knowing very well that he _did_ know what was being implied. But the interest was there, intensified by the look Crowley was giving him, that Devil even licking his lips in a rather seductive way.

He swallowed his pride, his body way too hot to even think about ignoring it anymore. “B-But if I asked, would you – I mean – Could you…Oh dear”.

Crowley chuckled, both amused and from admiration, this fuzzy Angel of his can be so adorable. “How about I continue to groom your wings and we’ll see what happens?”.

They agreed upon that, Crowley finally starting to groom those white wings, listening to Aziraphales whines and stifled moans as he worked on. The latter had his hands between his legs, desperately trying to keep the ache at bay but just couldn’t resist to roll his hips deliciously against his hands, his wings beginning to shake as the grooming session went on, his wings taking far longer to be brought back in shape than Crowleys back then.

“I think we’re good to go” Crowley said at last, satisfied with the quivering mess his Angel had become. It was cruel to work him up like this and he decided the suffering had to end now. “How about you put them away and we’ll get you more comfortable?”.

Aziraphale pulled his wings back into the ether, shivering almost violently. The ache was short to painful, but it was mixed with intense pleasure, Aziraphale felt like he’d explode soon. Deciding he wouldn’t give Crowley another chance for teasingly drawing this out, he snapped his fingers, disappearing his clothes.

Crowley blinked in surprise about this eagerness, watching Aziraphale flop on his back, cock leaking precome on his stomach.

“ _Crowley”_ Aziraphale keened, almost desperate. “ _Please, help me”._

“Holy fuck” Crowley whispered, more to himself than Aziraphale. The Angel laid there, open and vulnerable, spread out like a meal and Crowley felt like a starving man.

He climbed over him, kissing his lips before trailing these kisses down to his throat, over his chest, taking a second to gently bite one nipple before continuing downwards. Once face to cock, Crowley made eye contact with Aziraphale, making sure his Angel wanted this too before he stuck his tongue out, dragging it from the base up to the velvety head, then taking the tip into his mouth.

Aziraphale flat out screamed in pleasure, both hands burying themselves in Crowleys hair, pulling a little harsh before he remembered himself. Crowley didn’t complain, which wasn’t just because he had a cock in his mouth.

Having no gag-reflex certainly had its advantages, he swallowed his Angel down, flexing the muscles of his throat and bobbing his head up and down.

It didn’t take long for Aziraphale to convulse under him, his orgasm ripping out of him. His mind, blissed out in pleasure, still had enough consideration to realize that he had come inside the Demons mouth.

Before Aziraphale could utter an apology about it, Crowleys face appeared above his own, liking his lips with a dark smirk. “ _Delicious”._

Aziraphale hid his face in his hands, Crowley laughing at the gesture. The Angel groaned into the palm of his hands from embarrassment. “ _Crowley!!”._

* * *

Day #133

“Alright, listen up newcomers!” Crowley growled at the new plants he just planted in the garden. “I expect nothing but the best work from all of you! Failure will have immediate consequences! If you don’t believe me, just ask the others that are in my care for years now!”.

When he looked around, the greenery trembled and shock in fear and he relished in it until he saw the only plant that didn’t even budge: The apple tree of Eden.

He approached it and tapped against the bark as if he was trying to shove it away in a fight. “You think your tough, huh? You’re just lucky that you’re a gift from Aziraphale”.

Just as he said it, the only apple that was high enough to be above him, yet, dropped down, right dead centre of his head before landing on the ground beneath.

Crowley rubbed the spot on his head with an annoyed grimace. “Wow, the first time you’re having fruits and you decide to drop the _first_ apple on my head, well fucking done you”.

He crouched down to pick the shiny red apple up from the ground. “Guess what, I’m gonna give this to _my_ Angel to eat!”.

When he turned around to leave, he glared at every plant he walked past, making sure they understood that the tree was an exception and if they tried to behave like that, they won’t just get away with a few stern words. His forearms were covered with dirt up to his elbows, same as his clothes he wore for gardening, but he decided to search for Aziraphale to give him the apple first before he’d change and wash up.

The best guess was of course the library and, to no ones surprise, he was right. Aziraphale sat in the plush armchair he brough from the bookshop, a book in his hands and his little ridiculously adorable reading glasses perched up on his nose. A steaming cup of cocoa just next to him on the table, probably placed there to cool down for comfortable consummation later on.

Crowley stood frozen for a moment, just watching and admiring the scene before him. It felt so familiar and yet so different.

Aziraphale felt eyes on him and looked up, smiling and immediately closing the book he was reading to put it aside. “Crowley, my dear”.

Warmth spread through Crowleys body, overwhelming him with love, forcing him to choke as tears sprang to his serpent eyes.

Aziraphale jumped up from his chair and rushed to his Demon. “Dear, what’s wrong?! Are you hurt?”.

Crowley then got embraced by strong angelic arms, holding him tight and one hand running up and down his tense back as he sobbed out once more. It was from happiness, not sadness, but he couldn’t voice it for the life of him.

Aziraphale moved him to the chair, sitting down and pulling him on his lap, comforting him until the tears finally stopped a few minutes later.

“I’m sorry” Crowley choked out but Aziraphale kissed him, shaking his head after.

“No need to apologize. What happened? Did you see someone from heaven or hell?” Aziraphale asked hurriedly, trying to understand.

Crowley finally managed to laugh, taking a deep breath to explain himself. “I’m happy, Angel. Remember what I told you about that fantasy I have about living together? You putting down any book to give me your attention?”.

The puzzle-pieces finally clicked into place and Aziraphale let out a relieved sigh. “Oh, dearest, you scared me for a second there, but now I’m happy about it”.

They nuzzled their noses together before Crowley flinched when he remembered the state he was in. “Fuck!”.

Aziraphales clothes were stained with dirt, one little smudge even got to his face. The apple was still in his right hand and he jumped up.

“Angel! I’m so sorry about your clothes! Shit, come we need to wash that out” Crowley was about to reach for Aziraphale to pull him to his feet, then saw his dirt covered arms and thought better of it, looking around franticly for something to clean them up with.

Aziraphale chuckled softly before getting up, grabbing Crowley free hand, causing him to stop in his frantic movements.

“It’s alright, Crowley. Is that an apple from our tree of Eden?” Aziraphale dismissed Crowleys concerns for his attire.

“Wha-Ngk-Huh?!” Crowley shook his head in disbelieve. Didn’t Aziraphale realize the state his clothes were in?! And all he cared about was the damn apple?! “Y-Yeah, but your clothes-“.

“Crowley” Aziraphale interrupted calmly. “They’re washable, not to mention we’re both capable of miracling any stain away. A bit of dirt won’t stand between me and a chance to hold you”.

Crowley huffed a scandalized breath and grabbed Aziraphales hand tighter, trying not to cringe as he covered the Angels hand with more dirt. “Well, I’m not having any of it!”.

Aziraphale laughed and followed Crowley to the bathroom, washing his hands and face by Crowleys command before the Demon washed the apple and his own arms. The fruit was placed on the sink to wait while Crowley started to undress his partner, mumbling something along the lines of “Fussy Angel, doesn’t even realize the importance of his clothes”. Afterwards he undressed himself until they were both in their undies and threw all the dirty clothes down the laundry shoot to the washer in the basement, which they only owned in the first place because Aziraphale wanted to try it out.

Aziraphale let his Demon work without a complaint, silently admiring his almost naked form, which he was certain Crowley was doing as well.

“Now I’m cold” Aziraphale sulked then half-heartedly, trying to make puppy-dog eyes for extra measure.

What he didn’t expect was for Crowley to pick him up in bridle style and he clung to him for dear life, fully startled. “C-Crowley! I’m way to heavy for that!”.

Crowley growled at him and walked towards their bedroom, seemingly with ease. “I may _look_ frail, Angel, but I’m not a _Demon_ for nothing”.

He laid his Angel down on their bed, wrapping him in the blanket before he got back to grab the apple, tossing it to his lover with a smile. “Now you should be warm again. Go on, take a bite, I need to know if I can use them in this apple tart you were talking about a while ago”.

Aziraphale grinned with a deeply red blush, biting into the red fruit and watching Crowley dressing himself with fresh clothing before he disappeared from the room. Only a few moments later he came back, holding the cup of cocoa that Aziraphale had already forgotten about and handing it over with a soft smile.

“Oh dearest, thank you” Aziraphale could cry from the tenderness in the gesture.

“Don’t mention it” Crowley tried to deflect, nodding towards the apple. “And? Is it up to your standards?”.

“Positively scrumptious” Aziraphale confirmed, holding it out for his Demon. “Taste it while I get dressed”.

Crowley took the fruit and winked teasingly. “Too bad, I enjoyed the show”.

Aziraphale tried to stutter a response but got too flustered to do so. Instead he crawled out from under the blanked to walk to the closed, his skin tingling with the knowledge that Crowley was watching every move he made.

Crowley did exactly that, taking a bite from the apple unconsciously and shivering with the intense taste from it. Yes, definitely worthy of being put in an apple tart.

* * *

Day #188

“No! I can’t have you touching me right now!” Crowley recoiled from Aziraphales hand, his arms coming around himself for a hug that didn’t help as much as his Angels would. If only he could let him.

“ _Crowley_ ” Aziraphale let his hand drop to his side, hurt in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to scare you like that. But can’t you see that I want to say it so badly? You told me twice already while I want nothing more than to say it _back._ I was only asking”.

“That wasn’t _asking,_ Aziraphale” Crowley pointed out, avoiding eye contact. “You basically said that you’re going to say it! And you know I can’t hear it yet”.

“I wouldn’t have said it without your consent!” Aziraphale argued back, sounding frustrated even though he tried not to.

Crowley shook his head and took another step back. “Didn’t fucking sound like it!”.

Aziraphale sighed, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “Alright, let’s calm down and talk about this”.

“N-No” Crowley sniffled, his defence breaking down bit by bit. “I-I need to be alone right now, walk along the beach or something”.

Aziraphale nodded, he knew Crowley needed it, which didn’t mean he had to like it. He went over to their clothing rag and got Crowleys jacket, helping him put it on before hesitantly closing the buttons for him, adjusting it to buy a little more time.

“Thanks” Crowley whispered quietly, turning to take his leave.

“Crowley?” Aziraphale whimpered before he could step outside. “I _like_ you very much, my dear. Be safe”.

Crowley hesitated but muttered: “I _like_ you too, Angel” under his breath before stepping out and closing the door, walking straight towards the shore.

It was their first fight in their cottage. They knew it had to happen at some point, no relationship was perfect and without arguments. Which didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt, because it did deeply.

Aziraphale stared at the door, hoping despite his better knowledge that Crowley would walk right back in. He didn’t mean to hurt him but when he thought back to their conversation just now, he realized that he should have chosen other words.

“I want to say it, Crowley! What do you think would happen if I did it right now?”.

It did sound like he was about to say it, he understood now why Crowley took it as such. He didn’t _mean_ it like that though! What he meant to say, or rather ask, was what Crowley feared about hearing him say “I love you”. Because he wanted to _understand,_ to find a way for them to move towards that goal together. And all he did was force Crowley to leave for his own sake, to protect himself from the possibility to be hurt even further.

Aziraphale felt the urge to go after him, to hold and carry him back to their home. But he knew this would only drive the knife in deeper and he wanted to avoid that at all cost. They talked about this before; He had to trust that Crowley would come back to him.

Crowley looked out to the open sea, hating how blurry his vision was from the unshed tears in his eyes. At least he could breath a little easier now with the salty wind that came his way, making his hair float in all different direction, but he didn’t care.

He knew Aziraphale didn’t mean to hurt him, but it still happened. It was stupid to believe that they would never again hurt each other. Yes, he meant them _both._ Because him walking out like that, pushing Aziraphale away, did hurt his Angel, too. But it still was what he needed, and he had to trust Aziraphales words; That he’d give him everything he needed.

He sighed to himself before he began to walk along the water, hands shoved inside his pockets.

He thought about the Angels words; What do you think would happen if I did it right now? Yes, what _did_ he expect? They were three words, no more than eight letters, it should be so bloody easy. It wasn’t like he would spontaneously combust from hearing them or getting stabbed or anything. And yet, even though he couldn’t put it into words, he felt that deep down, he just wasn’t ready. _Something_ told him they needed to wait longer, that it would only end in disaster if Aziraphale said it now. What that disaster contains, well, not even Crowley knew.

But then again there was that damn whisper in the back of his mind. Aziraphale was frustrated already, you could hear it in his voice and see it in his body language. How long until he sees that he couldn’t live with Crowley like that? How long until he pushed him away _again?_

Crowley shuddered, trying to shake that whisper off as silent tears rolled down his face. It felt like he only had two options; Let Aziraphale say it to make sure he’d stay or deny it again and watch him leave. He couldn’t deal with _either_ of those choices and it slowly burned him from the inside out.

What made him cry out into the lonely air around him was when he felt that the “not-so-quite-empty” emptiness began to drain a bit. He didn’t want it to drain! He didn’t want to lose this feeling again, he couldn’t live with that hole in his chest.

He needed Aziraphale and if it takes him to hear these three traitorous words for his Angel to stay, so be it!

As the sky grew darker and darker, he decided to make his way back to the cottage, his heart pounding in his chest with every step closer. He felt like throwing up, like fainting and yet he was too desperate to stop himself.

When he opened the front door, he felt his limbs go numb, making him stumble through the door and just so catching himself from falling over. _Get it together!_ He demanded from himself, taking deep breaths before he closed the door to shrug off his coat and then step out of his shoes.

He ascended the stairs slowly, head spinning as if he was getting drunk, without even a drop of alcohol present. Maybe Aziraphale was asleep? It would buy him some time before morning, but his heart dropped when he saw light coming from their bedroom. With a shuddering breath he pushed the door open, his breath hitching when his eyes met with ocean blue ones.

“There you are, dear” Aziraphale smiled at him, relief clear on his face.

Crowley took a staggering step inside, closing the door behind him. “N-Not asleep, then?”.

“Of course I’m not asleep” Aziraphale looked almost horrified. “Did you really think I would sleep without knowing where you are or if you’re alright?”.

Crowley knew he didn’t mean it as an accusation, or at least he thought he knew, but with the mindset he was in right now, it felt like an accusation none the less.

“N-No, I’m sorry” Crowley whined, not knowing if he was allowed to come to his own bed.

Aziraphales brows furrowed and he tabbed the spot beside him, smiling calmly, trying to tell his obviously terrified Demon that he was safe here. Crowley understood and slowly sat down on the bed, but not able to look into Aziraphales eyes when this close.

“Crowley, it’s alright, you did nothing wrong” Aziraphale began, his voice soft and calm.

“You can say it” Crowley whispered, keeping his voice levelled. “I-I overreacted. Say it, I can take it”.

Aziraphale knew that tone in his voice too well, saw how his shoulders tensed as if he was expecting a blow. It was just like that Saturday night months ago, Crowley was pushing himself again.

“No, Crowley” Aziraphale answered, watching tears roll down his Demons cheeks. “I know you can’t hear it yet. You’re forcing yourself again”.

Crowley opened his eyes, the whites completely gone, his teeth clenched together in panic. “No! I’m ready! I swear, I-I-I…”.

Aziraphale interrupted his ranting by his hand carefully covering the Demons mouth, not hard nor soft, just there to tell him he should calm down. “It’s fine Crowley, I _promise_ that everything is fine. Why are you pushing yourself again? I want to talk about it, not just ignore it. _Please”._

Crowley nodded and took a few calming breaths when Aziraphale removed his hand from his mouth. No matter how scared he was of Aziraphale leaving him, he felt relief when he realized his Angel wouldn’t say it tonight.

“I’m sorry” Crowley whimpered quietly, his voice almost faint. “Please don’t leave me, Angel”.

It broke Aziraphales heart and he felt a deep hatred at himself for yet again being the cause of this kind of situation. “I’m not leaving you. I’m _never_ leaving you again. You don’t have to apologize, it was me who should be sorry, and I am”.

“I’m scared” the Demon confessed, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “You’ll get tired of me, I thought if I’d let you say it, you’d be happy and _stay”._

“I’ll stay with you even if I _never_ say or hear it again” Aziraphale said, gathering his trembling partner in his arms.

They rocked softly back and forth together, Crowley silently crying into the embrace as Aziraphale started to hum the melody of “Good old fashioned lover boy”. Crowley managed a weak chuckle through his tears, joining in after a while, feeling lighter now that the whisper in his head didn’t have a chance to pull him down again. Not with Aziraphale right here, holding him and not going anywhere.

After the hummed song ended, both entities moved to look at each other, lips meeting almost automatically.

“I’m sorry for everything I said, my dear. I didn’t mean to upset you, I hope you know that. I just wanted to understand what scared you, but I know now how it must’ve sound like to you” Aziraphale said after the kiss ended, placing another one on Crowleys forehead.

“I’m sorry too” Crowley sniffed one last time, finding his composure again. “I shouldn’t have pushed myself again”.

After another second he added: “As for your question; I can’t really answer it. I literally can’t find the right words to describe it, I just _know_ that I’m not ready yet”.

“And that’s perfectly fine” Aziraphale answered, whipping away the last few tears. “I should’ve never made you feel otherwise”.

They put their foreheads together, closing their eyes and just _be_ with one another. Both simultaneously whispered “I _like_ you” into the space between them, smiling softly afterwards. Their first fight in the cottage was over, now it was time for the first reconciliation.

* * *

Day #245

Crowley groaned as he twisted his back in all possible directions, listening to his vertebrates crackle satisfyingly. It didn’t help with the tension in his muscles though. A bigger garden meant more plants and more plants meant far more work. His body had begun to complain recently about it and he grew annoyed, wondering why ever he had a corporation in the first place, then signing when he remembered he kind of needed it to live on earth.

Aziraphale watched him stretch, cringing when he twisted especially unhuman like, before he had enough. “Dearest, how about we go take a bath and I’ll work over those muscles of yours?”.

Crowley lifted his eyebrows in surprise. “ _We?_ You and me, naked in the tub?”. He wasn’t saying no, he just wanted to confirm before he got his hopes up.

Aziraphale blushed but nodded confidently. “If it wouldn’t bother you, then yes, I’d like to join you”.

“No, m’not bothered, not at all” Crowley said faster than his ego should’ve allowed but too late for that now.

“Perfect” Aziraphale grinned, getting up from the couch and walking towards the stairs. “I’ll go up and prepare it, take your time to join me”.

Crowley didn’t take his time, however. He waited until Aziraphale was up the stairs and walking towards the bathroom before he sprinted up the stairs and after him, hugging him from behind just as he turned the tab on.

“Oh dearest, you’ve seemed to have recovered already” Aziraphale grinned to himself, leaning back into his partners arms.

“No! I’m sore all over, Angel” Crowley quickly answered, groaning and whining in pain to further proof his point. “You need to help me”.

“And I will, I can’t leave you in pain after all” Aziraphale chuckled, freeing himself from the embrace to turn around and help his Demon undress.

Crowley tentatively did the same, tugging on Aziraphales bowtie until it sprang free and working with slightly trembling hands on undressing his Angel like a present. Aziraphale was just as eager to get his hands on Crowleys skin and when at last they both stood naked, they just stared for a moment.

It will be the first time they were both completely naked and also together in a bathtub. It was exciting, even exhilarating! Aziraphale snapped back to himself first, remembering the tab was running and shutting it off before the tub got too full. Crowley got a nice few of his rear in turn, and if Crowley didn’t mention it, maybe Aziraphale would stay like that for _just_ a moment longer.

“Staring is rude” Aziraphale teased, knowing without looking, that Crowley was indeed staring. That he would’ve done the exact same thing, well, no one needed to know that.

“Demon” was all that came from Crowley, guessing that it was enough of a justification as anything else.

Aziraphale tested the water with his hands, satisfied with the temperature. “Alright, lets get in”.

The Angel climbed in first, then letting his Demon join him shortly after, sitting down between his open legs with a soft hiss. He leaned back against Aziraphale and the latter put his arms around him, everything coming to them almost naturally.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Aziraphale occasionally gathering a bit of water in his hands to let it wash over Crowleys exposed skin, not wanting him to get cold. After a while, he asked Crowley to sit up properly and slide a little more towards the other end of the tub, giving him space to work.

Already when Aziraphale massaged the first knot away, Crowley groaned with relief, closing his eyes to really focus on the touches. Especially his lower back and shoulders hurt but Aziraphale was there to take care of it.

Apparently, he had a thing for Aziraphale massaging him, because he felt a different interest starting to form in his lower abdomen, his cock stirring slightly. He had thought about a scenario like this for a while now, afraid that it would feel like that horrible night and he tried to plan ahead this time. What he should say, how he could hide it or even how he could slip away without letting his Angel know.

But what he hadn’t thought about was that he could enjoy it. As he slowly hardened under Aziraphales attention, the Angel being none the wiser given their positions, Crowley felt oddly calm. He didn’t feel like he needed to run, that he needed an excuse to remove himself from his partners touch. No, he felt _wanting_.

Which brough something else with it, a fear of a different kind; Would Aziraphale touch him if he asked?

Whenever they did anything sexual, Aziraphale had indicated that he wanted to try it on Crowley again, didn’t he?

Guessing his best option was just to be honest and ask, he cleared his throat. “Angel?”.

“Yes, dear? Is the pressure too much?” Aziraphale asked, adjusting his grip slightly.

“N-No” Crowley answered, turning his head a little to look at him, already blushing. “I’m getting…aroused”.

Aziraphale dropped his hands immediately. “Oh! I´m sorry, that wasn’t my intension. I can leave you to take care of it”.

Crowley turned fully around, which was uncomfortable given the rather small space plus his hardness between his legs. “I-I’d like you to…take care of it”.

Aziraphale gave him that worried frown again, the one he got so used to seeing. “Are you sure? Last time we tried it…didn’t go well”.

Crowley nodded, biting his lip when he caught the angelic eyes glancing down to his crotch. “This time its different, Angel. I really want you to, but only if you do too”.

Aziraphale sighed, looking to the side to think about it. “I-I want that too, Crowley. I just…I couldn’t take it if it ended like last time. You swear you want it?”.

Crowley grabbed Aziraphales face to drag him into a kiss, licking his lips afterwards. “I couldn’t handle it either, Angel. I swear, this isn’t like last time”.

“Alright, I trust you” Aziraphale finally answered, a small smile adoring his lips. “How would you like to do it?”.

Crowley looked around for a moment before deciding to lean back against the other end of the tub, since he really didn’t want to turn around again. This position also meant he couldn’t hide his face from Aziraphale, but he found that urge to be absent, which he was immensely proud of.

Aziraphale slid closer to him, surprised when Crowley slid his long legs in the spaces between his waist and the bathtub walls, pulling him slightly closer. The space wasn’t grand but they both found that it was comfortable to be this close while doing something like this.

The Angel leaned towards his partner, pulling him into a kiss, pleased when Crowley responded eagerly. His hands moved over Crowleys thighs, stroking the skin softly before his right hand moved a little higher, closer to its goal. When he wrapped his hand around the shaft, Crowley whined into the kiss, his arms coming around Aziraphales neck to keep him in kissing-distance.

Slowly and carefully the Angel began to stroke, relishing every sound that came as a response, ever twitch of muscle, every thrust into his fist. I really did feel different from last time and after a few minutes, he grew more confident, the rhythm getting a little faster.

Crowley needed to break away from the kiss to breath after an especially intense spark, his eyes trailing down towards Aziraphales groin, finding him to be enjoying this just as much, if his hard cock was any indication. That brought him to an idea.

“W-Wait” Crowley moaned weakly, whining when the movements stopped, despite asking for it.

“Are you alright?” Aziraphale sounded so concerned, this sweet Angel of his.

Crowley grinned after catching his breath, nodding towards Aziraphales manhood. “You’re hard, too”.

Aziraphales face turned even more red. “Y-Yes, it appears so…Is that…I mean…Alright?”.

“Is it alright if you get hard because of yacking me off?” Crowley asked with a chuckle, watching Aziraphale trying to sputter a response, with no luck. “It’s more than alright, Angel. In fact, could I try something? I think you’d like it”.

Aziraphale reluctantly nodded, his eyes blowing wide when Crowley pushed him back a little so he could take a seat on his lap, their cocks brushing together. The water splashed out of the tub, but neither of them could find the will to care.

Crowley took Aziraphales hand in his and brought them around both their cocks, moaning when they started to stroke together. Their cocks, so close together, the pressure, the slide of their joined hands up and down worked them towards the climax. Their lips smashed together again, a heated kiss with tongues sliding against each other, spit-slick lips desperately trying to stay together as their breathing got harsher.

Then Aziraphale came with a loud groan. Crowley felt the pulsation of his cock against his own and just that feeling alone was enough to tip him over that edge too. They moaned into each others mouth, their lips lazily dragging against one another as they felt the last waves of their orgasm subsiding, leaving then in a comfortable afterglow.

When at last they could breathe normally again, Aziraphale looked down, cringing at the sight of their combined cum floating in the water. He snapped and gone it was, which left Crowley laughing loudly.

“What?” Aziraphale frowned at him, wondering what was so funny.

“M’sorry” Crowley chuckled, his tone teasing. “I just imagined the poor Angel upstairs that just received a message along the lines of ‘Miracle use, Principality Aziraphale; Removing ejaculate from bathtub’”.

Aziraphales hand flew up to his mouth as he screeched in embarrassment. “I-I haven’t thought of that! Oh dear, this is humiliating!”.

“Calm down” Crowley laughed at him, earning him a glare. “If you do that more often, maybe they’ll stop monitoring your miracles”.

The very next moment a wave of water hit him straight in the face, leaving him coughing through his laughter, the bathtub had just lost about half of the amount of water.

“Good thing *caught* that we don’t need to breathe!” Crowley finally managed to calm down, raising a teasing eyebrow when he noticed Aziraphale quietly chuckling to himself.

* * *

Day #319

“Hey Angel?” Crowley asked for his attention.

Aziraphale looked up from his delicious dinner plate to meet serpent eyes. “Yes, dearest?”.

“Does heaven still do that bonding ritual?” the Demon asked, his tone almost cautious.

Aziraphale tilted his head. “You mean when two Angel mix their essences to form an unbreakable bond?”. After Crowley confirmed, he answered. “I don’t think so. Or at least, I haven’t heard of two Angels preforming it for a very long time. Why do you ask?”.

Crowley looked down at his full plate, poking at the broccoli he had grown with his fork. “D’you think…Demons can do it too?”.

Aziraphale shrugged. “Angels and Demon come from the same stock, so I guess it could very well be possible”.

The fork in Crowleys hand stilled. “And…what about an Angel…And a Demon?”.

Aziraphale felt warmth run through his body, his lips turning up into a smile that just about dripped with adoration. “Are you talking about us?”.

The fork started to poke again. “And if I was?”.

“Well, I’d say that I think it should be feasible” Aziraphale answered, catching a quick glimpse of gold as Crowley looked up for a split second. “Would you like us to bond like that?”.

Finally, the Demon looked up from his plate. “N-Not yet, I think, but…yes, I would. You?”.

“I honestly had forgotten about that practice” Aziraphale admitted, noticing how tense Crowley went. “But since you brought it up, I can’t think of a more wonderful thing for us to do someday”.

The Demon relaxed a bit and smiled back. “Good. I-I’m just worried about me…or my _nature,_ rather”.

Aziraphale reached across the table to hold Crowleys hand. “Dearest, being a Demon shouldn’t prevent you from bonding with me. Our nature is basically the same, minus a few differences. But even _if_ the ritual doesn’t work, which I’m certain won’t be the case, it won’t change _us._ We’ll still have a bond that will hold on for all eternity”.

Crowley pushed his plate towards Aziraphale, silently asking him to finish it, while he continued talking. “I’ve heard that Angel that bonded could feel each others emotions and stuff, because a part of their essence will be embedded in the others. What if my essence taints yours? I don’t want to make you fall”.

“You, out of all people, should know that this isn’t how falling works” Aziraphale reminded him carefully, not wanting to cut open old wounds. “You need to turn against God, in a way, which isn’t what happens during the bonding. I will have a piece of you in me and vice versa. You won’t be turned back into an Angel, you know”.

“Thank _someone_ for that” Crowley rolled his eyes, looking up at the ceiling. “Although my fall wasn’t pleasant at all, I’m still better of as a Demon than an Angel”.

Aziraphale decided not to comment on that, it wasn’t his place to make a statement, after all, he didn’t experience the fall. “Feeling each others emotion would make communicating easier, don’t you think?”.

“I guess so?” Crowley shrugged, silently asking for an elaboration.

“Sometimes it’s difficult for me to tell how you’re feeling and I’m sure you experience this with me too. Plus; Whenever we can’t explain what we’re feeling, the other could know, because they feel it too. I would know how to best comfort you” Aziraphale explained further, his voice weighed down by guilt. Guilt that he wasn’t enough sometimes.

Crowley heard that guilt and squeezed Aziraphales hand. “You _do_ comfort me, Angel, a great deal actually. But I know what you mean, I guess it would make things a bit easier. What kinda worries me though is my tendency to hide. I don’t want to hide anything from you but it just helps me cope sometimes. But when we bond, I couldn’t hide anymore and…I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing”.

“If I’m honest, dear, I don’t enjoy it when you hide, but I understand why you do it. If it helps, I could promise you that if I feel you’re hiding something, I won’t ask or act upon it. It won’t be easy, but if that helps you, then I’m prepared to do it” Aziraphale suggested, forcing a smile on his lips.

But Crowley shook his head. “I don’t want that, it would go against the bond we’d make. I hope that when we bond, I can drop this hiding habit, because again; I don’t _want_ to hide anything from you, especially not after we bonded”.

Aziraphale smiled brightly at that, tenderness in his eyes. “I _like_ you so much, my dear. We have all the time in the world to prepare for the ritual”.

Crowley grinned back, reaching for something out of Aziraphales few. “I _like_ you too, Angel. And I know this is technically a human thing to do but…”.

His hand reappeared with a little black box and Crowley opened it to reveal two golden rings inside, making Aziraphales breath catch.

“The bonding would be like marrying each other, right? So these are engagement rings, if you accept me as your fiancé, that is” Crowley rushed over the words a little, the box shaking slightly in his grip.

“If I accept?” Aziraphale stared at the two rings, then up into Crowley eyes. “Of course, I accept! What kind of question is that?!”.

He jumped up from the table, leaving the rest of dinner to be ignored, which Crowley felt just a bit sly about. Aziraphale pulled him to his feet for a kiss and tight hug, a few tears spilling from both their eyes.

With so much love and care, they exchanged rings, each then holding their joined hands up to admire they golden rings shimmer on their fingers.

“Oh Crowley” Aziraphale sniffled. “My dear, thank you so much. I-“.

Both knew what he wanted to say, what he was so desperate to say. But Aziraphale saw the fear in Crowleys eyes too and he forced himself to instead say: “I _like_ you more than I anything else I’ve ever saw”.

Crowley saw the pain in those blue eyes, and it brought tears to his own. He just couldn’t watch it.

“Say it Angel. We’re engaged, we’re going to bond one day. I want you to say it and I know you want it too. We’ll be okay, I promise” Crowley whispered, _not_ breaking eye contact to show that he wanted it, that this was supposed to happen like this.

Aziraphale hesitated but he saw the determination his Demon had, and it choked him up enough to utter the words he wanted to say so badly, even if he may not be able to say then for a while after this.

“I love you, Crowley. I’ll always will”.

Crowley choked on his own tears and pressed himself against Aziraphales chest, not able to say the words back, but finding enough strength to whimper the two words “you too”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the longer chapter :D


	13. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley talk about the bonding ritual.

“Did you know the Archangel Michael wanted to be bonded?” Aziraphale asked casually as he dug into his dinner.

Crowley stopped chewing for a moment before swallowing his food down in one go, raising one eyebrow. “And you choose to tell me this during our anniversary dinner, because…?”.

“Oh, my apology” Aziraphale cleared his throat. “I haven’t thought of that”.

“Well, now you have to tell me” Crowley leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms. “How can someone like Michael want to bond?”.

Aziraphale stopped eating too, frowning at his fiancé. “Michael wasn’t always like this. They used to be very kind and even charming at times, but things were changing after the first war and…I guess they had to become harsher and stricter to fit the position of an Archangel”.

“And who was this mystery Angel they wanted to bond with?” Crowley asked further, curious to see if he had known them at any point.

Aziraphales face fell a little, a slight sadness shimmering in his eyes. “They were Hadraniel, the Angel of love, or rather the first one”.

The Demons eyebrows shot up in disbelieve. “Hadraniel?! I remember them, but I heard they…disappeared? Or something like that, anyway. Were they destroyed? Was that why Michael couldn’t bond with them?”.

The sigh that left the Angels lips was heavy, the story to tell sad. “No, they’re not destroyed but…Michael and Hadraniel were planning to do the ritual but the latter was having some second thoughts, or more likely concerns, because Michael was changing very rapidly. They still loved each other, every Angel could feel and see it clear as days. But Gabriel had decided it would be better for Michael to reconsider their relationship, they should focus on their work and heaven and Hadraniel would ultimately distract them too much, especially after bonding”.

Crowley felt anger boiling in his very core. “And Michael listened to him?!”.

Aziraphale nodded, biting his bottom lip. “Michael threw thousands of years of partnership away with Hadraniel and as the first Angel of love, they couldn’t take it well. No one could, really. They retired, would be the most accurate description. They went to the farthest corner of heaven to live with no one else but their loneliness. They cut themselves out, refusing any work or contact, the ground they choose as their home is surrounded by thorn bushes, said to inflict the same pain they felt upon contact, so no one could ever get near them again”.

Crowley studied Aziraphales expression carefully, leaning forward to rest his arms on the table in front of him. “Why are you telling me this?”.

“I don’t mean to scare you, Crowley” Aziraphale reassured quickly. “I want us to bond, there is nothing that I want more. But I guess I feel obligated to show you how huge the step will be for us and…If you are sure you want that”.

“If _I_ want us to bond?” Crowley felt his stomach twist into knots, an icy shiver thundering through his body.

“Please don’t be upset, dearest” Aziraphale saw the feelings in the depts of his Demon eyes. “It’s just that I worry that I won’t be good enough. I have hurt you so much in the past, the wounds I left are deep and the scars on your heart will never fade. How could you ever want to bond with me? After everything I did?”.

Crowley tilted his head, his lips curling into a snarl involuntary. “Well, first of, this is a very bad topic to bring up on our anniversary, Aziraphale”.

“Oh, I know, Crowley! I’m-“.

“I wasn’t finished” Crowley interrupted quickly, watching Aziraphales mouth snapping closed again. “You are my best friend, Aziraphale, and my bloody fiancé! I confess, back during the first night of the apocalypse that wasn’t, I was thinking about cutting you off from my life, because yes, you did hurt me and I wondered if I could be better off without you”.

Tears dwelled in Aziraphales eyes and sobs wanted to escape his throat, but he forced himself to be quiet, it was Crowleys time to speak.

“But I’m glad I didn’t. Angel, for heavens sake, the time after that night until now was wonderful. Not always good nor bad but I can’t imagine another place for me than by your side. And yes, I sometimes still fear that you’ll push me away again, but deep down, I-I know you won’t. You’re filling the emptiness, Angel” a few tears were gathering in Crowleys eyes too, just wanting to spill.

Aziraphale made a questioning noise. “What emptiness?”.

Crowley raised from his seat to walk over to his Angels side. Gently he took one of his partners hand to bring it to his chest, pressing it tightly against his body. Aziraphale felt his heart beneath his hand, his thumb carefully caressing the spot.

“It’s the place where all my…love for you is stored, I guess. It was once filled to be brim but after the day the world was supposed to end, it was empty. I felt broken and hallow, like this huge piece of me got ripped out, never to be found again. I was so scarred…” Crowley began, letting the tears roll freely down his cheeks.

Aziraphale sobbed and buried his face in his chest, his arms coming around to hold him tightly. A broken apology was whispered into the embrace.

Crowley let his right hand comb through the blond locks while his left began to stroke over Aziraphales tense back while he talked on. “But its not empty anymore. You filled it again, not quite to the brim yet but close, with every gesture, every surprise and every word. It isn’t quite the same anymore, I think it’ll never be, but that’s ok. Because this is better”.

Hesitantly Aziraphale lifted his gaze up to his Demon. “H-How?”.

Crowley placed his hands on both sides of Aziraphales face, holding his gaze. “Because now I don’t feel like I’m chasing nothing. I _know_ how you feel, my mind still questions it sometimes, but you’ve shown me that you love me. We’re living in a cottage together, we’re engaged and are planning to bond. We’ve come so far together and when you ask me if I’m sure I want this, then my answer is yes. I want this just as much as you, Angel”.

Aziraphale rose to his feet, Crowleys hands dropping to his neck instead as they came face to face.

“You’re the most gorgeous thing” he whispered, love and admiration pouring from his very essence and hitting Crowleys, making him sigh softly. “And I’m undeserving of you, but I’m afraid I’m too selfish to ever let you go”.

Their lips met for a kiss, arms tightening around the other, as close as they possibly could and yet not enough all the same. But it would have to do for now. In the living room, the old phonograph began to play a tune, inviting them for a soft dance.

Their lips broke apart as they grinned, foreheads still connected to the other, not ever wanting to separate further.

“Angel, you’re such a romantic” Crowley chuckled, eyes closed in bliss as they swayed lazily from side to side.

“I thought this was _your_ doing?” Aziraphale smiled back, nuzzling their noses together.

Neither was sure who initiated the dance, but in the end, it didn’t matter. Surrounded by their joined love, an Angel and a Demon danced. Unbeknownst to them, their love radiated far. The people living around a 10 KM radius from their cottage felt a push of joy and warmth. Married couples during a fight stopped to apologize, children cut their tantrums short to go to bed, mothers and fathers cuddled closer to their offspring to cradle them to sleep. Birds sang their songs of happiness, men stuck in traffic found the will to calm down and focus on their loved ones waiting at home. The sick found some peace to fall asleep, resting and healing.

Down in hell, the damned felt a shock of forgives and love, a moment to forget the pain and trauma that had been inflicted upon them long ago. And if Beelzebub took that moment to hug and comfort an overwhelmed Hastur, no one needed to know that besides them.

Up in heaven, a grumpy Archangel Gabriel that was trying to settle into his new corporation, felt his essence finally snuggle in comfortably, helped by an unknown force. And just a few offices over, Michael busted out in tears, overcome with the deep sadness of what they had lost, followed by determination to undo the mistake they had made.

All of this was lost to Aziraphale and Crowley, still dancing in their embrace, and even if they’d known the effect their love had to their surroundings, they would still forget it. Because this was about _them._

They danced until their feet ached and the moon was high on the sky, the stars shining even brighter than ever before.

“Dearest? May I take you to bed?” Aziraphale whispered, kissing the snake tattoo on Crowleys temple.

Crowley nodded with a quiet hum, eyes closed both from being content and tired. The music stopped, dinner long forgotten as the Angel picked his Demon up to carry him upstairs. They wouldn’t bond tonight, there was still so much to be discussed beforehand and laying down in their bed together, cuddling until the morning sun kissed them awake, seemed just fine.

Crowley didn’t open his eyes as his back hit the soft mattress. Aziraphale looked down at him, wondering not for the first time why he had waited so long to have this. He kissed his cheeks while his hands grabbed the hem of Crowleys shirt, pulling it up and over his head. He placed soft kisses all over the exposed skin, absentmindedly reaching for the dark nightshirt under one of the pillows. He gently helped Crowley to put it on, smoothing out the fabric before he went on the Crowleys pants.

While Crowley relished in the attention, Aziraphale relished the trust his most beloved showed him, just by laying here beneath him and allowing him to redress him. The pants were discarded and Aziraphale kissed along those lean legs, paying special attention to the scales and scars on Crowleys feet.

Crowley couldn’t stifle the giggle that left him entirely. He felt the flush that had spread from his face down to his chest and decided to not be embarrassed about it. It felt good, he was with Aziraphale, why should he care?

At last Aziraphale pulled the dark pants over his exposed legs, adjusting it at his hips and grinning when Crowley lifted them without another word to help along with it. Golden eyes opened to meet ocean blue ones just above him. Crowley pressed himself upwards to kiss his Angel again, gently nudging him over to fall on his back, reversing the roles.

Their lips didn’t part as Crowley opened the buttons of Aziraphales waistcoat and then shirt, pushing the fabric to the side to let his hands roam over the soft pale skin. The goose bumps that popped up from his touch gave him a feeling of satisfaction and proudness and he began to move his lips down to kiss them. They managed to discard the attires and Crowley kissed along his Angels arms, lingering at the ring finger that held the golden band that symbolled their promise to bond.

Moving along to the pants, quickly removed, he kissed and caressed his legs, chuckling when he noticed how his fiancé twitched when he kissed the hollow of his knees, tickling him. Not wanting him to get cold, he grabbed the pyjama pants and pulled them up, kissing Aziraphales soft middle when he lifted his hips to help along. Gathering the nightshirt, he pulled it over the Angels head and then guided his arms to finally put it on.

At last they were both dressed for bed in the loveliest way, snuggling under the covers together.

“We’re both sabs” Crowley laughed as he started to pet the blond locks, Aziraphale resting his head on his chest.

Aziraphale shrugged, leaning into the touch with a smile. “Sabs for each other, dear. I’m glad that our anniversary was this lovely, even after I brought the mood down”.

“I’m going to be honest; I was pretty mad at you at first. But in the end, I’m glad we had this conversation, I feel like we’re even closer now” Crowley admitted with a slight shrug, as not to disturb the Angel on his chest.

“I’m sorry, my dear” Aziraphale apologized none the less, placing a kiss on the hollow of Crowleys throat, making the latter let out a soft whine.

“It’s alright, Angel” Crowley reassured. “But you did get me thinking about Michael and Hadraniel and…I can see why bonding isn’t a thing in heaven anymore, every Angel must’ve heard about their story and now the ritual seems like a big risk to be taking”.

“I think many forget the part Gabriel was playing too, and that all of this happened before they bonded. I believe they would’ve been very happy together” Aziraphale agreed, holding Crowley just a tad bit tighter.

A few minutes of silence followed, both expecting the other to be falling asleep, which was only true for Aziraphale. Crowley couldn’t quite rest yet, thoughts about the story he had learned about today, how bonding was supposed to be a beautiful thing, bringing two beings together and connecting them for a life full of love and closeness.

But now it seemed like this dangerous thing, something making the partners vulnerable and it seemed wrong to bring this sort of feeling into their relationship now. Crowley still wanted to bond, no doubt there, but maybe not in the traditional way?

“We should do something different with our bonding” Crowley suggested, earning him a curious hum from his partner. “The ritual seems a like its tainted by heavens bureaucracy bullshit, we should spice it up a bit, make it something of our own”.

“Oh, I’d rather like sweets” Aziraphale mumbled into his chest, voice heavy with sleepiness.

Crowleys heart warmed at the sound, the not-really-emptiness filling more. “Yes, we’ll make it sweet, not spicy, Angel. Now sleep, we can talk about this in the morning”.

He leaned down to kiss Aziraphales head, pulling him a little bit closer and settling to fall asleep himself, hearing his Angel mumble something that sounded like an attempt of “good night, my dear” before going still, with Crowley soon following.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter but the next one should be quite long and also the end. But let me know if you'd like a bonus chapter about Michael and Hadraniel :)


	14. A Love Worth To Be Shown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally bond. (Ending)

Crowley looked back to the night the world didn’t end and smiled at the difference to the present. He remembered the pain and emptiness, the uncertainty of his future, if Aziraphale would be a part of it or if this day really ended their 6000 year old friendship. He was terrified and angry, hurt and yet so desperate for touch and kind words from this one Angel his mind just couldn’t forget.

And he would never forget. Not Aziraphale, nor the things he had said to him, or the pain. But he would forgive, he _had_ forgiven Aziraphale and it brought them to this very evening.

Their relationship is different now, more intimate and the only possibility to get even closer now would be the bonding. They’re like the cottage they live in; A strong friendship as the sturdy ground base and foundation, trust and companionship building the walls that protected their relationship against the harsh outside that wanted to break them down. And their deeply woven love toped their house as the roof, keeping them warm and safe.

And just like their cottage, there would be times where they’d have to renovate it, walls could get holes, the roof could become a little permeable and let rain seep into their home. But if they worked together and repaired the damage, making it even stronger than before, they would be alright in the end.

With that in mind, both entities could fight through the nervousness that was to be expected from being about to bond. Standing naked in front of the other may not help about it, but both felt oddly calm, being this vulnerable before their one and only true love.

Surprisingly it was Aziraphales idea to connect their bonding with having sex. The idea popped into his mind after Crowley explained how they should “sweet” their bonding ritual up, making it something of their own, not something from heaven (or hell for that matter). They we’re on their own side after all, fighting for earth and ultimately humanity.

Having sex for the first time and performing the ritual at the same time would be something that no one else besides them would’ve ever done, and it will probably stay like that forever, something new and special, just for them. Not that they would tell that to anyone, no need to attract attention, not to mention how private the whole affair is, but just the knowledge of it was more than enough for them.

But that wasn’t the only thing that was different from their bonding, besides the obvious that no Demon and Angel ever bonded; They let go of their control over their human appearance. They still stayed in their coperations of course, but they let their true nature be shown, wings out and showing everything they were openly to the other.

Aziraphale trailed his eyes over Crowley lean figure, admiring the black scales that covered most of his body. They covered the Demons forehead and parts of his cheeks, the outside of his arms and legs. Over his torso and back they appeared in patches and if one looks closely, the front of his neck down to his belly was shimmering in a soft red, reminding the admirer of his serpent from. His serpent eyes shined even brighter then ever before, no white to be seen and with that shy smile on those thin lips, Aziraphale could make out the light glint of his fangs. The black wings on his back looked perfectly groomed as always, feathers rustling as they moved when Crowley flexed the muscles of his back.

Crowley let his gaze wander too; Aziraphale was soft and plump in the most beautiful way. The many eyes that covered his body took him in, he could see all the love this Angel had for him reflect in their depts and as always, he saw the fire in them too. But this time, the flames seemed even brighter and more vivid, as if to try and show themselves off to him, and it worked. The pale skin of the principality had a shimmer to it that Crowley hadn’t noticed before, but he was intrigued by it, wanting nothing more than to touch and caress, _mark_ him as his own. The pearly wings bended forwards slightly, seeming to reach for him and his touch and Crowley wouldn’t deny them for much longer. At the soft middle, his gaze lingered, noticing the stretchmarks that shimmered golden, even in the dim light of their bedroom. He was the luckiest Demon alive.

The Demon took a tentative step closer, lifting his gaze towards his soon to be husband and bonding partner. “Well, here we are”.

“At last, finally” Aziraphale added shyly, one hand lifting to slowly trace along Crowley collarbone.

Crowley reached for that hand, bringing it to his lips for a kiss, pressing his cheek against it afterwards. “Don’t hold back, Angel. I want you to tell me _everything_ you want, no more worrying about what you should and shouldn’t say. I’ll try to do the same”.

“As you wish, my _love”_ Aziraphale answered, gently pulling him closer and into his arms, kissing him.

Their bodies pressed together, fitting like puzzle pieces, Aziraphales softness against Crowleys thinness. They had a plan in mind, though they would take their time, moving at their own speed and focusing on their needs. This was about giving and taking, worshiping the other and showering them in their united love.

Careful of their wings, Aziraphale pushed Crowley backwards until his calves hit their bed. The Demon let himself fall onto the mattress, fighting his urge to cover himself up to hide from the Angels hungry gaze. He wanted to give himself over to him, nothing left between them, not ever again. And so, he let his arms fall open, raised slightly above his head and resting along his wings.

Aziraphales breath hitched as he awed at this creature before him. “You’re the most beautiful being she ever created. I’m honoured that I get the privilege to see and touch you, _bond_ with you”.

“Angel, touch me already” Crowley pleaded, heat flowing through his body and deeply into his core.

A soft chuckle left through angelic lips and he bend down and over his Demon, uniting their lips once more. Crowleys back arched up to meet Aziraphales body, wanting more contact between them. The Angel gently but firmly grabbed his hips to push them back down, silencing the whine that came as a response with his lips.

“My darling, we agreed that we both get to have our fill, didn’t we? Could you be a good dear and let me ravish you?” Aziraphale spoke softly against his lips, nibbling gently at the bottom one.

Crowley nodded with another whine, knowing that he would get his chance on ravishing his Angel afterwards. Aziraphale kissed his cheek, murmuring a quiet “Thank you” into his ear before he moved his lips down to his neck. Crowley shivered underneath him, hissing at the almost overwhelming feeling of those lips against his sensitive scales. When he felt the soft tip of a tongue against them he moaned quivering, his legs falling open a little wider, inviting his beloved to settle between them, their half-hard cocks brushing together.

Aziraphale may not have much experience, but he was good at reading Crowleys body language and let it guide him. A tender nibble was placed at the crook of demonic neck and shoulder, making the owner gasp and crooking his neck to the other side, giving him space to nibble at another spot.

“Oh, my darling Demon” Aziraphale breathed against his skin, hands running along Crowleys sides as his lips trailed down to his chest. “I love you. Your body, your soul, your very being. I love the way you are, how you can be kind when needed, not letting your nature decide how you should behave. I love the way you look at me and I love that you’re _mine,_ and no one else’s. Never”.

A deep sob left Crowleys throat and Aziraphales face appeared above his, concern in his eyes and voice. “Are you alright? Too much? Need a break, or maybe stop?”.

“No!” Crowley threw his arms around the Angels neck, pulling him down for a short but intense kiss. “I’m ok, Angel. J-Just overwhelmed, but I don’t want to stop”.

Aziraphale leaned down and kissed those tears away, relishing the loving purr that came from his Demon. “Then I shall continue, my love”.

His head dipped down again, kissing from the hollow of his neck down to his sternum before ascending on Crowleys right nipple. His back arched up again, pressing against the welcomed heat of Aziraphales mouth on the sensitive bud. Soft whines and groans left his lips and he dared to give a small roll of his hips against his partners, making both gasp.

Aziraphale switched sides, taking the left nipple into his mouth while the right one was getting caressed by his fingers, gently rolling it between them. Crowleys wings began to tremble from the pleasure that seared through his body, fluttering slightly against the bedding they laid upon.

His chest was heaving when those lips moved further down again, his tongue curiously dipping into his navel before his Angel kissed both sharp hipbones. He leaned up again, moving further down the bed so he could settle comfortably between Crowleys thighs.

“Are you ready, my dear?” Aziraphale asked, his arms coming around Crowleys legs to hold them open for him. “I don’t know if I will do good with this, but I would very much like to pleasure you orally”.

Crowley groaned and forced himself to look down his body to the Angel between his open legs, shivering with all the eyes that met his gaze. “Bloody hell, Angel, you’ll k-kill me if you continue to talk like that”.

“So, is that a yes?” Aziraphale responded, choosing to ignore the teasing comments that lingered in his mind.

“Y-Yeah, go ahe- Ah!” Crowley threw his head back, his body tensing and relaxing rhythmically as Aziraphale didn’t waste another second, his hard cock getting enveloped in the wet heat of his Angels mouth.

Aziraphale tried to mimic what Crowley had done to him weeks ago and by the sounds his Demon was making, he did _something_ right. Hands scrambled to find hold in his blond locks, making him moan around the cock in his mouth when those hands grabbed a litter tighter, lost in pleasure. The vibration went through his member direct into Crowleys body, making him tremble all over.

“F-Fuck, Angel!” Crowley cried out, trying to remember not to grab too harshly at the blond locks. He also tried to force his hips to stay down but it was a loosing battle the closer his climax came, his hips desperately thrusting up into his Angels mouth.

Crowley felt the edge approaching and tried to groan out a warning. “A-Angel, gonna-gonna-!”.

Aziraphale pulled away to talk, his hand quick to stroke and keep Crowley on that edge. “Come for me, I want to taste you, _please”._ He pressed his tongue to the underside of the velvety head, stroking and closing his main two eyes to wait for it.

The picture of Aziraphale between his legs, the head of his cock resting on that tongue would forever be burned into his memory as his climax overtook him, making him shake and cry out his Angels name. Aziraphale got what he desired, enjoying the slightly salty taste of his beloveds seed in his mouth while he worked him through his orgasm.

When he climbed back over Crowley, the Demon had thrown his left arm over his eyes, breathing harshly and with a beautiful dark blush covering his face and neck. “Love? How was I?”.

Crowley weakly chuckled and removed his arm from his eyes to make eye-contact. “You really need to ask?”.

“No, I guess not” Aziraphale chuckled back, leaning down to kiss Crowley, the latter shivering as he tasted himself on that tongue.

Crowley put his arms around Aziraphales neck, demanding more kissing, which the Angel was more than willing to provide. They made out while Crowley basked in his afterglow, at one point deciding it was time to switch sides. He gently tipped Aziraphale over, careful about both of their wings as he guided his Angel to lay down on his back, having him straddle his hips. Crowleys cock was stirring anew, hardening during their snogging session despite just climaxing.

Aziraphales cock was achingly hard and he was pushing his head up as much as possible, hungrily kissing Crowley, who chuckled sweetly before pushing him down again.

“What did you tell me earlier? Now it’s your turn to be good and let me work” Crowley teased, leaning down to gently bite Aziraphales earlobe.

The response he got was a low whine and hands scrambling to find purchase at his back, brushing against the base of his wings while he nibbled along Aziraphales jawline. At the side of his neck he placed a soft bite, sucking the skin into his mouth until it turned purple, liking over it afterwards almost apologetically. Kissing down to the collarbones, his fingers brushed over Aziraphales nipples, earning him a gasp and then moaning softly. Kissing and liking over both of them once before he slid further down, snuggling his face into his Angels soft middle. The hands on his back moved to his fiery locks, combing through them as he stayed there for a moment.

“You’re so soft, Angel” Crowley whispered, lazily kissing his tummy. “I-I love you. _Fuck,_ I dreamed of having you like this for so long. You’re my personal heaven, way better than anything I ever had up there and definitely down in hell. I love you, I _love_ you, _I love you”._

He continued to say these three words, like a mantra or rather a _prayer._ The more he said it, the more he felt like he was freeing himself from his fears. It was overwhelming and yet it felt so right, like it was his purpose in this world to shower his Angel with his words and more importantly; his love. He felt the icy tingle in the back of his mind, trying to unsettle him again, to break away and protect himself from opening up again. But it was drowned out by the warmth of his love. He wanted to open up, he opened himself up to Aziraphale long ago. This was where he’s supposed to be.

“Dearest? Are you alright?” Aziraphale hesitantly interrupted his beloved. “I-I do enjoy hearing you say it, but you’re trembling”.

He was, he hadn’t noticed before, but now he pushed himself up, crawling back up to seal their lips together once more. “I’m ok, Angel. J-Just happy, you know?”.

Aziraphale did know. He pulled Crowley back into the kiss, shivering with excitement when he heard Crowley snap his fingers, miracling the tube of lube from the nightstand over to his hand. That he used a miracle instead of just grabbing it in favour of continuing to kiss made him fuzzy all over.

“Are you ready for me to prepare you?” Crowley kissed his forehead lovingly.

“Y-Yes, my love” Aziraphale answered, truthfully despite being nervous. After all, it is a completely different thing to read about sex than to actually partake in it. But he trusted his Demon to know what he was doing and listen to his needs. He gave himself over to him.

Crowley kissed his way down his body once more, taking his time to kiss the eyelids of Aziraphales many eyes on his way, not wanting to skip any part of the divine body that laid at his mercy. By the time he reached his Angels cock, Aziraphale was trembling with the effort to keep still. His cock looked achingly hard and he leaned in to kiss the head, trailing his lips and tongue down until he hit the base, covering it in his spit to ensure an easy slide before he began to stroke. After a few up and down movements, he took the head into the heat of his mouth, making his soon to be husband cry out his name in ecstasy. With both hands free, he opened the bottle of lube to spread some on his fingers, reaching down to Aziraphales entrance.

At the first contact, Aziraphale tensed up for a moment, a bit uncertain about the unfamiliar sensation, but he relaxed when Crowley began to gently rub circles to the muscle. His legs fell open wider and Crowley placed a last kiss to his cock before he replaced his mouth with his hand, wanting to see himself working, but still desiring to stimulate his partner as much as possible.

“I’m about to push in, you alright?” The Demon asked, watching Aziraphales chest rising and falling with more rapid breaths as the pleasure increases.

Aziraphale fought through the haze in his mind, trying to remember what words were, and this was just the beginning! “Y-Y-Yes”.

A low growl rumbled through the Demons chest as he slowly leaned down to bite the soft flesh of Aziraphales inner thigh, carefully inserting one finger. The Angels body welcomed him greedily, opening up for him almost immediately. With his long finger, he rubbed along the Angels inner walls, trying and then finding that special spot.

Aziraphale cried out again, his hips bucking as his body was flooded with pleasure. Crowley stopped stroking his cock in favour of taking hold of his other leg, pinning him down by his hands and the lingering bite on his inner thigh. It didn’t hurt and he felt the desire building up faster by being pinned down like this. Maybe Crowley _was_ right about the shackles he stole from the bastille.

After the initial bolt of pleasure, Crowley started to move his finger once more, stroking over the spot that had him seeing stars. After a while, he gently added a second finger, scissoring them slightly to work him open, while still stimulating that spot. Aziraphales hands scrambled to find purchase in the bedding, moaning and whining with every press to his prostate.

Crowley noticed his walls beginning to clench around his fingers and with the speed of a snake, he let go of his favourite spot on Aziraphales thigh to take his cock back into his mouth, which was soon filled with Aziraphales spent. The latter was babbling some mixture between “Crowley”, “I love you” and “dear lord!”.

Crowley swallowed his seed and took off his cock with a soft “plop!”, grinning up at his harshly breathing partner. “You sure you want to drag _her_ into this?”.

“Y-You…fiend…AH!” Aziraphale threw his head back, his wings fluttering as Crowley continued to work him open, adding a third finger with a bit more lubricant.

He nosed along Aziraphales thigh and chose another spot for a bite, a possessive growl rolling through his throat. He was marking him as _his,_ and only his. While Aziraphales skin was shimmering before, it was outright glowing now, the bitemarks appearing as golden lights and Crowley worried if maybe he was being too rough, he didn’t break the skin or have his Angel bleeding but he still let go of the tender flesh. As if Aziraphale had noticed his worries, which could very well be true, he pushed his thigh against his mouth and teeth, whimpering quietly when Crowley took that as an invitation to place another bite.

Though his orgasm was only moment before, Aziraphales cock was back to standing in attention and he whined at the emptiness he felt when Crowley pulled his fingers out. The whine was met with lips, pulling him into a demanding kiss that had him feeling faint and yet eager to comply.

“Angel” Crowley breathed, his pupils wide with desire. “I want you. I _need_ you, I love you…”.

“You have me” Aziraphale whispered back, his hands reaching up to caress Crowley scaly face, having the Demon press into the more than welcomed touch. “I love you too, my dearest Crowley”.

Their lips met again as Crowley reached for the lube once more, spreading a generous amount over his hard cock and for good measure, over Aziraphales entrance. His black wings bend towards Aziraphales white ones, both hissing as their feathers brushed together, even intertwining at some points. Aziraphale hiked his legs up and then around Crowleys waist as his beloved positioned himself at his entrance, the head gently pressing against his loosened muscle.

“Remember to breath and tell me if I hurt you. Ready?” Crowley kissed his forehead and cheeks, shivering as he slowly began to press in, after his Angel nodded.

Both closed their eyes, or for Aziraphale; his two main ones, and savoured the feeling. Crowleys cock got surrounded by heat and he groaned with the effort to not come right then alone.

For Aziraphale, the intrusion had him arching his back slightly, feeling the pressure of Crowleys cock against his insides and it even crept up his spine a little, making him moan out his Demons name in bliss. His hands slid from the angular face down to his neck and then chest, feeling the rise and fall of Crowleys controlled breath and the tensing of his muscles.

Once fully seated, both opened their eyes to look at each other, grinning at finally being united like this. Crowley shifted to press his chest against his partners beneath him and the movement alone made Aziraphale shiver almost violently and lost already, he pushed his head up to bite the crook of Crowleys neck and shoulder. To both of their surprise, Aziraphale actually _did_ break the skin a bit and Crowley cried out, not from pain but pleasure, and his shaking elbows decided to not hold him up any longer and he all but fell against Aziraphale.

“Oh dear!” Aziraphale had concern in his voice as he let go of his Demons flesh, licking over the bite apologetically, tasting blood. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you”.

Crowley shook his head, still a bit fuzzy from being marked so harshly by his otherwise so gentle Angel, not that he complained. “I’m f-fine…Felt good”.

The look of relief clear on his face, Aziraphale pulled Crowley back into a kiss, tongues tentatively brushing together as the Angel adjusted to Crowleys presence inside him.

Now came the important part; The bonding. Neither could be sure who initiated it, or if either of them did, because it came so naturally to them. Their essences reached for each other, not able to be seen in the physical realm, but in the ether.

During their body swap, their essences hadn’t had any contact. They moved beside the other out of their own corporations and into the others, both not daring to get too close. It was a delicate matter.

But now, Crowleys dark essence, shimmering a soft red at the edges, reached towards Aziraphales light and golden one and vice versa. There was a slight hesitance but then the first specks made contact with the other, sending sparks of lightning through both of them.

In the physical realm, that lead to them both moaning into the kiss and Crowleys hips slowly starting to thrust, angling to hit Aziraphales spot every time. 

Their essences brushed against each other more daringly, tendrils slowly wrapping around each other and pulling them in and towards their core. It was a gentle wave, a give and a take, giving oneself over to your partner and receiving the same in turn.

They began to receive feeling of their partners and seeing some parts of their past.

Aziraphale felt and saw the deep cut in Crowleys essence the fall had left, the place where Gods love was supposed to be stored in. It made him whimper into the kiss and he felt Crowley hesitating, his essence slipping away a little. But Aziraphale held him there, refusing to let him go. As he looked on, he saw a slight glimmer of golden light, almost like his own. It was small but vibrant and most importantly, still there; A bit of Gods love. She hadn’t forsaken him completely, just like he never truly lost his love for her. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks in the physical realm and then Crowley kissing them away.

He gently moved further in, being hit with a tidal wave of pure love, overwhelming him as he cried out, Crowley still thrusting into his body, sending pleasure all over him. He had found what Crowley was referring to “The emptiness”, although it wasn’t empty anymore. Right here, in the middle of the Demons love for him, he nested a part of his essence in, deeply woven within Crowleys, sealing his part of the bond.

Crowleys hips faltered for a moment, overwhelmed with the feeling of Aziraphales essence deeply within his own, he felt _whole_ again. The combination of physical pleasure and bonding was marvellous, and he had to remember to praise Aziraphale for the idea later on, when he hopefully learned what words were again.

It was Crowleys turn to explore. While his own love was more centred, Aziraphales was spread out to every part of his golden essence, welcoming him in and showering him in the feeling as soon as he entered.

Concentrating on both thrusting into Aziraphale and focusing on his essence became more and more difficult and Aziraphale noticed. Somehow, he managed to tip them both over once more without Crowley slipping out of his body, their wings fluttering wildly. Without hesitation he began to roll his hips, riding Crowley to give him the chance to experience their bonding to the fullest.

Crowley felt like he was being throw into a lake of holy light, not burning him despite his demonic nature. And he swam in it, dipping further down and a part of him could happily drown in the love his Angel showed him like this. But through the love, he also experienced flashes of pain and hurt, he saw different scenarios his Angel had to life through in his long life.

He saw him sitting on the dusty bookshop floor, crying quietly to himself while he clutched the poems Crowley had written to his chest. He saw his Angel caring for him during his century long “nap”, checking his assignments from hell and making sure he was safe.

In another flash he saw Aziraphale, staring down at his old phone, his hand hovering above it. He could feel the desire of wanting to call Crowley, hear his voice, thinking that if all he could ever have was to hear his voice, he would accept it without hesitation. But he also felt the fear of putting them both in danger and then the burning feeling in his chest as he turned his back to the phone.

In the physical realm, he cried out as he visited the memory of the night Aziraphale gave him the holy water. The feelings were overwhelming him, so much fear and panic, hurt and a bit of distrust. Aziraphale really did think he would kill himself with it one day, didn’t he? Aziraphale shivered as he felt Crowley dig into this particular memory and he tentatively grabbed his hand, holding it while his hips continued to roll.

Crowley saw all of it, every lonely night Aziraphale had wished for him at his side, every flash of love he had tried to hide in the early days, every thundering beat of his heart when Crowley would walk through the front door, every lie he had told heaven to ensure his Demons safety, every prayer he had send to _her_ to help them find together one day, every time Aziraphale had pushed him away to keep them safe, hurting himself in the process too.

Of course, he believed Aziraphale when he said that he had loved him for a long time, too. Seeing and feeling it for himself like this made it _real_ though, assuring him that while their love may not have come easy and was covered in scars, it was never one sided.

Doubt still lingered in the very back of his mind, but the voice was so small and quiet now, that it was easily drowned out by his will and desire to connect with his Angel, the one he had loved ever since he had lost everything, forever.

In the middle of the metaphorical lake in Aziraphales essence, he nested his own inside, warmth spreading through every part of him as the golden essence surrounded it, which sealed his part of the bonding.

It was like a switch was flipped, two puzzle pieces sliding into place together, or the feeling of coming home after a long day. The connection was deep, the bonding ritual finished and the feelings that flooded through them like a tsunami basically ripped their orgasms out of their coperations. They all but fell back into their corporation, screaming in ecstasy from both the orgasm and the bond that they would now share for all eternity.

Aziraphale couldn’t hold himself up any longer and collapsed into Crowleys shaking arms and they clung to each other with tears of happiness streaming down their faces.

“Fuck. Holy fucking shit. Bloody hell” Crowley panted, feeling out of breath even though he didn’t need to breathe.

“Quite…right” Aziraphale responded, wincing as he felt Crowleys spent cock slipping out if him.

Their energy was almost fully drained, which was to be expected from such an act, not even counting the sex. They eventually caught their breath, their corperation slowly but surely turning back to looking human, wings retrieving into the ether.

Aziraphale rolled down and next to Crowley, their hands intertwining as they continued to process what they just achieved, which was getting more and more difficult, almost impossible, the more tired they got.

“Are-Are you alright?” Crowley stammered, turning his head over to look at his, now, husband.

Aziraphale turned his head too, smiling in bliss, if a bit sleepy. “Yes, more than. You?”.

“I’m…dazed. B-But happy” his demonic husband responded, groaning with the effort to push himself closer. “And I lo…love you”.

“I love you t-too, my darling” Aziraphale whispered against his lips before they pressed together, lazily kissing.

Crowley broke their kiss first, his head swimming as he pushed himself up to sit, then standing up.

“Dear? Where are you going? You can barely w-walk!” Aziraphale remarked with concern.

Which was true; The Demons legs were shaking and wobbling as he staggered his way towards the bathroom, shortly after coming back with a washcloth and a towel. He flopped back onto the mattress, seemingly almost unconscious.

“N-Need to clean y-you up…Legs apart, please” Crowley instructed, his words beginning to slur.

Since Aziraphale could _feel_ how Crowley felt like it was his responsibility, he decided to comply instead of arguing, spreading his legs so Crowley could clean him up.

The love and affection that poured from him, because of how heart warming this act was, made Crowley whimper, the part of his dark essence in Aziraphales was getting caressed and stimulated. Satisfied with his work, he let the washcloth and towel drop to the floor, before he melted against the mattress, apparently ready to pass out right on the spot.

Aziraphale wasn’t doing much better, but if Crowley pushed himself enough to ensure his comfort, he could certainly use the rest of his energy to pull his Demon back up and into his arms. The last thing he did before passing out too was pulling the blanked over them both.

The next time they woke up, it was almost a week later. It left them both confused when they started to stir, still in the same position they had fallen asleep in, Crowley pressed against Aziraphales chest.

The first to open his eyes was Crowley, which was a bit unusual, given that Aziraphale didn’t sleep quite as much as him, but not unnatural after bonding. The sun kissed his cheeks and the warm light danced across the walls of their bedroom. A shivering breath left his lips when he felt Aziraphales essence nested in his own, warm and cosy, and he was finally able to fully realize what they did.

They’re bonded. Connected forever. And he was whole again! It felt strange somehow. You’d expect that he was prepared for this feeling, but he wasn’t. He was used to the emptiness, having it slowly but surely filling, but now it was full, the emptiness gone. It was amazing!

He softly brushed against Aziraphales essence with his own, letting his love sweep in like a hug. Aziraphale stirred with a soft and content sigh, his arms holding him tighter.

“That is _lovely”_ Aziraphale whispered, voice heavy with sleep as he opened his eyes. “Good morning, my love”.

They winced when Crowley pushed himself up, their skin sticking together from being pressed against each other in bed for a full week. But when their lips met, they couldn’t find the will to care.

“Good morning, husband” The Demon grinned down at his Angel, nuzzling their noses together. “Feels nice to say that”.

“Oh, let me say it!” Aziraphale wiggled with excitement. “I love you, my _dearest husband_ ”.

“I-I love you too, but you’re about to-to make me cry” Crowley whined, nuzzling his face under Aziraphales chin, kissing and nibbling at his neck before rolling over and off Aziraphale.

He hissed and grimaced a little as he moved his shoulder, hearing Aziraphales breath hitching. “Oh dear, you’re sore, I’m so sorry”.

Oh yeah, Aziraphale had bitten him. “S’ fine, Angel. Besides…” Crowley grinned as he let his hand trail down towards Aziraphales thigh, carefully tracing over the indents his teeth had left behind. “I bit you three times, at least, we’re even”. Not to mention the hickey at his neck.

“Still, let me try to comfort you, love” Aziraphale insisted, cautiously using their bond to find the bite he had placed in his overwhelming pleasure, beginning to heal it.

“Don’t heal too much, I don’t want it to fade” Crowley requested as he felt the unfamiliar but pleasant sensation of being healed through their connection. “I like being marked by you”.

Crowley felt Aziraphales essence holding on tighter on his own, a possessive feeling rolling over him as Aziraphale licked his lips. Feeling each others emotions was a bit confusing for the time being, but they were sure to get the hang of it after they settled into their new bond.

“Now, where are we going for our honeymoon?” Aziraphale asked teasingly, rolling to his side to look at his Demon.

Crowley chuckled, stretching his long legs and arms. “I’m glad you’re all energized, but if you think I’ll be getting out of this bed, let alone let _you,_ for the time being, you’re very much mistaken”.

Aziraphale cuddled up to Crowleys side with a smirk. “Maybe you need to tie me up then”.

Crowley let out a startled gasp before laughing, his Angel joining in. “You had sex once and now you’re making kinky jokes?”.

“Well, we could have _more_ sex, if that justifies it?” Aziraphale suggested, their joined essences fluttering with joy and excitement.

“That can be arranged” Crowley smirked back, kissing his husbands temple. “But I think we need to rest a bit more”.

“We have all the time in the world” Aziraphale reminded him, placing a lingering kiss on Crowleys chest before laying his head on top to rest. “Thank you, Crowley”.

Crowley frowned. “What for?”.

“For being here” Aziraphale whimpered, holding on tighter. “For staying with me, for forgiving me for everything I did, even though I didn’t deserve it. For letting me love you”.

Crowley snaked his lean arms around his slightly trembling Angel, pushing his love through their connection, as a reminder for Aziraphale. He didn’t know a better response than reminding him of his love for him, that they we’re here now and the past was behind them, maybe never forgotten, but definitely forgiven.

But one thing he did say. “I love you for all eternity, Angel”.

“And I love you until time stops to exist and everything that comes beyond that” the Angel replied softly.

As the Angel and Demon relished in their shared love and bond, the apple three of Eden was shaking its leaves in celebration. Their garden turned into a rainbow of colours as all kinds of flowers and blossoms pop up, knowing that Crowley might be stern to them about it later, but not willing to hold them back.

Because a love so strong that it can fight through fear, is a love worth to be shown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading, leaving Kudos and commenting! I hope you enjoyed the story I tried to tell. Again, if some of you would like a bonus chapter about the Archangel Michael and Hadraniel, just let me know :D
> 
> In the times of the Corona Virus, I hope you all stay safe! 
> 
> I may start another story soon, if my work allows it (I'm a nurse), so if you enjoyed this one, you may want to look out for posts from me.


	15. Bonus: Michael and Hadraniel

The Archangel Michael stared out towards the open fields of heaven, reaching up to fix their collar and stubbornly ignoring the tutting noises that came from Gabriel.

“You’re acting ridiculous, Michael” Gabriel remarked once more, as if that could change anything now. “You’re leaving? Just like that? What about your duty as an Archangel? You can’t just ignore your work because of something this unimportant”.

At that Michael turned around to face their brother, glaring at him. “Unimportant? Hadraniel is the love of my life, my partner, my muse, my everything! I made the mistake to listen to you all those years ago, but I definitely won’t listen to you now”.

Gabriels demeanour darkened. “Michael, the advice I gave you is still relevant today. You’re an Archangel, I expect you to act like one”. He took a step closer, trying to intimidate them. “Do you think Hadraniel would even care? That you get her back?”.

Michael wasn’t intimidated, there wasn’t a reason for it since they wouldn’t let Gabriel manipulate them anymore. “No, I probably won’t get her back, I do not get my hopes up. But she deserves an apology and I pray for her forgiveness”.

Now they took a step closer, glaring back at the other Archangel. “And I hope that you begin to see were we’ve gone wrong. Heaven was about love and companionship once, but just by looking at you anyone can see it had lost those values”.

Gabriel staggered back, clearly shocked that his fellow Archangel and friend would say something like this.

Michael remained calm. “Look at us, Gabriel. Somewhere along the frame of time we have lost our way. We should embrace love and share it, just like we used to”.

They turned around, their wings manifesting and spreading wide. They looked back at their brother over their shoulder. “And if even a Demon and an Angel can find love in one another, we definitely shouldn’t miss out anymore”. With that, they took off.

Gabriel watched them go, his voice seemingly non-existent as his hand came up to rest over his chest, wondering if what Michael said could actually be true.

Finding the place were Hadraniel supposedly lived was rather easy, but the journey was long and very tiring. Of course Michael had heard the stories of Hadraniels sanctuary, the thorn bushes that surrounded it and the power they had. But they never really believed it, thinking it was more a myth than a fact, but now they saw everything. And that _was_ intimidating.

The painful greenery was enormous and spread wide, protecting the inside like walls and Michael quickly learned that they couldn’t try to fly over it like they had hoped. Instead they landed a few meters away from the thorns and cautiously stepped closer, inspecting the barrier.

“Hadraniel!” Michael yelled, hoping despite their better knowledge, that their partner would answer.

Nothing happened. Michael tucked their wings back inside the ether, determined to get to their love, even if it takes this. The Archangel carefully reached forwards towards a branch, pushing it to the side to get just a little bit of an opening. They took a step closer and immediately got stung by the thorns.

Michael cried out as they felt like burning up, heartache trying to eat them from the inside out. It hurt. It hurt so much. It felt like being broken in half, a piece missing from oneself, like losing every feeling until all that is left is pain and misery.

But the pain brough an odd sense of nostalgia with it, because Michael _knew_ this already, it hadn’t felt any different for them. They may have buried it deep within themselves, but they never forgot the pain that came with breaking away from Hadraniel.

Michael pushed deeper, taking staggering steps as the thorns buried themselves in their clothing and skin, tearing it up as they stubbornly continued towards the core of this place.

The deeper they got, the more tangled the ranks became. Golden blood dripped down their body from all the wounds the thorns left behind, their clothes becoming mere shreds, leaving behind a trail of fabric and gold wherever they pushed through. It was becoming harder and harder to fight through until all movement was impossible.

“Ha-Hadraniel!” Michael tried again, their voice fading into the thick bushes. The ranks seemed to take a hold of them, pressing more against them and hindering them for moving further towards their goal.

Michael wiggled in their strong grip, desperately trying to free themselves. The fight to continue went on for hours, maybe even days, Michael energy draining more and more. Until finally they couldn’t even hold themselves up anymore, their body forced to hang in the thick bushes.

“No…” they whispered as their vision began to blur and blacken at the edges. “I-I need t-to…make this…right!”.

But it was too much, even for an Archangel and they lost consciousness, their body going lax and pierced deeper onto the thorns. It was what they deserved, didn’t they?

They hadn’t expected to wake up again, especially not in their corperation. They expected their essence to be send back to headquarters, surely having discorporated, and a smug Gabriel telling them how wrong they were to disobey.

Instead, they woke up in a beautiful garden, surrounded by the bushes they were just stuck in. The sun was high on the sky, shining its brilliant light down over Michael and for the first few seconds, making it hard to see. Michael laid on a stone bench, next to a pond with a small waterfall, given a sense of peace to the place.

Carefully, Michael sat up, looking down at their body, miraculously healed. They were dressed in a simple white robe, the ones they used to wear thousands of years ago. They looked around the garden, full of trees and beautiful flowers. A slim stone path tore through the lush grass and Michael followed it cautiously. It was strange to be here and Michael wondered if it was even real.

At the end of the path stood a simple wooden house, and right next to it on a large stone laid a figure, dressed in the same robes they wore. Michael approached the figure, their breath catching as they recognized Hadraniel.

Skin pearly white, long brown hair that curled at the end. Freckles like stars all over her body and although her eyes were closed, Michael could recall their vibrant green anyway. They always would.

But it was just the empty shell of Hadraniels corporation, nothing more. Michael dropped to their knees at the realization, tears rolling down their chin as they feared that this would be all they’d get. They hid their face against the bodys belly, frantically grabbing at the robes as if trying to hold back Hadraniel from leaving.

“No, no, no, no, God please no” Michael cried into the fabric. “Please don’t take her away, I can’t have come all this way just to find her corporation!”.

“I had prepared a speech for the moment I would see you again” a voice they recognized all too well said behind them, making them spin around. “But all I can say now is how pathetic you look”.

Hadraniels true form was a shimmering multi-winged orb, red at the core and fading out to a soft pink at the edges, sparkles of gold and black could be seen flickering. Michaels mouth hung open, stunned by the beauty of it all and the chance to have seen it again, despite all odds.

Just as fast as she was there, she vanished into the corperation, the green eyes flying open at once. Michael was still stunned when Hadraniel pushed her aside harshly, making their back hit the grass, before she stood up.

“H-Ha-Hadraniel” Michael stammered as they helplessly looked up at the, very angry looking, love of their life.

Hadraniel rolled her eyes, arms crossing over her chest defensively. “That’s all you have to say? My name?”.

Michael slowly rose back to their feet, keeping a respectful distance. “I-I’m just…stunned. I thought I’d never get to see you again”.

“Well, I hoped so” Hadraniel remarked with a glaring stare. “What in heavens name do you want here? No one, especially not you, should be able to get through to here, so tell me why I had to retrieve your barely alive corperation from deep within the bushes?”.

Realization dawned on Michael then, a look of disbelieve on their face. “You healed me…rescued me even”.

Hadraniel couldn’t help the slight blush that came over her cheeks. “Answer my question, Michael”.

“I-I came here to see you” Michael admitted, worrying their fingers. “…I want to apologize for what I’ve done”.

The first Angel of Love raised a brow at them. “After more than 6000 years, you come crawling at my feet to apologize? You could’ve just stayed away, right at Gabriels side, like the good little lap dog that you are”.

That stung, but Michael knew, better than anyone, that Hadraniel would never talk like that if she didn’t get hurt first. It was her defence to lash out, and Michael deserved to fell her anger.

“Things have changed. I-I’m sorry that I’ve let Gabriels words riddle me with doubt. I should’ve never valued his cruel words over yours or our love” Michael apologized, head hanging in shame.

“That’s right, you shouldn’t have” Hadraniel agreed, shaking their head and turning to walk away.

Michael followed silently, finding themselves back at the pond where Hadraniel had taken a seat at the edge to let her feet submerge in the water. Michael hasn’t done anything like that ever since they became an Archangel, but they hesitantly sat down next to Hadraniel and sticking their feet into the cool water.

“How are things at headquarters?” Hadraniel asked after a long and awkward silence. “I imagine heaven has changed quite a bit”.

Michael nodded. “Heaven feels nothing like the way it should be, ever since you retrieved to here. I think we need to change our ways, find back to the love and companionship that used to be our driving force. I told Gabriel so too”.

“You told Gabriel your opinion? That seems unlikely” Hadraniel remarked without looking at them.

“I have changed too, I admit only recently. It took the almost end of the world and a strange Angel and Demon that fell in love together, for me to finally jump over my shadow” Michael smiled to themselves, despite the circumstances.

Hadraniel turned her head, interested. “An Angel and a Demon fell in love? It must’ve been them and their love that I felt recently. It is very strong and vibrant, nothing like I ever felt before”. She paused for a moment. “Except the love between you and me, that is”.

“I never stopped loving you” Michael whispered, fighting a useless fight against their tears. “And I don’t expect you to believe me, my actions haven’t given you a reason to believe me”. They dared to reach and hold her hand, glad that the other Angel didn’t refuse the gesture. “But I hope that you can forgive me one day”.

Hadraniel closed her eyes, their brows knitting together in pain. “I never stopped loving you, either. But I can never forget that you listened to Gabriel instead of me and that you saw me as an obstacle in your work. I would’ve never stood between you and your duty, as you would’ve never stood between me and mine”.

It took a lot of courage for Michael to dare to voice this question. “Do you think there is a chance for us to…get back to the way we were?”.

Hadraniels hand in theirs twitched, as if trying to decide if she should tear it away or continue to allow the contact.

“At first, I prayed that you’d come back for me” Hadraniel admitted quietly. “But I have lost all hope after a while, I didn’t expect you to take this long. I wondered if I even knew you anymore, or if the Angel I fell in love with was gone forever”.

“I know it may be too late now, but if you’re willing, I’d like for us to start fresh” Michael requested, their voice riddled with the fear of rejection. “It’s your decision, I accept whatever you want from me, whatever you’re willing to give me, or not give me”.

Hadraniel thought about the request, shaking her head slightly. “Even if we start anew, I’m not ready to return to headquarters. I can’t stand to see Gabriel, or have you buried in your work”.

“I can stay here” Michael suggested without hesitation. “Gabriel might be annoyed about it, but I have no desire to leave you, as long as you don’t want me to”.

Hadraniel hated how much her heart had already forgiven Michael, how much her love bloomed in her chest as it was clear that Michael had finally managed to step out of the fierce grip Gabriel had on them. They came all this way and nearly discorporated, cried over her corperation and pleads for another chance, all pride seemingly forgotten.

“F-Fine” Hadraniel ultimately answered, watching Michaels smile spread wider. “But you’re on thin ice! One misstep and I’ll throw you back into the thorns!”.

Now that was the Hadraniel Michael knew, loving all around but stern when needed. And they loved her more than ever. “Thank you, you won’t regret this”.

“I’ll better not” Hadraniel couldn’t hide the small smile that adored her lips as she got up. Standing behind Michael, she leaned down and over, Michael tilting their head back immediately as those soft lips pressed against their forehead. “Now come, I’ll show you my home”.

Michael got up and sprinted after her, Hadraniel not waiting for them to keep up. There was still much work to be done before the relationship they now had could be considered romantic, but deep down, their hearts were still connected, the longing and love was _still_ there, waiting to be freed again.

And maybe someday, Michael and Hadraniel would bond like they had always planned. Someday.


End file.
